merry christmas everyone! [ or whoever else is reading].Anyways, sorry if my lingo is off, i'm here at the hospital working right now on christjmas day. I woke up at 4 am to be here at 76am and i leave here at 330pm. Sucks that there's only 9 patients and in 1 hour there will only be 4 left.
PATIENCE. one of my patients is blind. so at first it was a bit awkward because i never dealt with a fully completely legally blind patient, but she taught me patience. Its christmas day and i'm a pretty understandiong person. But patience? I am the most impatient person youll ever meet. Well thats how everyone knows me. But if i were their nurse- i'm someone completely different- i'm pretty still energetic, but i'm patient and sweeter--- much, much sweeter. She's not a fussy lady either, maybe thats why i wasn't so nervous after the first few miniutes. Best gift ever gotten? patience.
merry christmas. jhope everyone got wqhat they wanted
Thursday, December 25
Friday, December 12
bra & ______
No fear.
No distractions.
The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.
[ on the grind. i will do well]
Wednesday, December 10
song from gangster
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Maybe, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear
Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go
And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
[ the rain dont last; hope]
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Tuesday, December 9
Dear God,
can you make sure that i have a good night or a night of pure bliss, please? thannks- i'll pay you back, promise.
april dawn.
ps. im gonna stop this, do that, and figure out all the stuff in the middle. [ i can handle everything you give me, so that means i can handle myself, right? yessir .. [ oh gosh, here we go]
eargasm: so you can try [ neyo]
can you make sure that i have a good night or a night of pure bliss, please? thannks- i'll pay you back, promise.
april dawn.
ps. im gonna stop this, do that, and figure out all the stuff in the middle. [ i can handle everything you give me, so that means i can handle myself, right? yessir .. [ oh gosh, here we go]
eargasm: so you can try [ neyo]
Monday, December 8
difficult to recover.
FINAL : Nursing 470 8AM [ December 15th, 2008]
Ive been in the library since 230pm and i can barely study- reading, but not really reading. Right now, all i can think about is how i am so close to graduating. I am finally leaving this place in one semester. I mean, Buffalo has taught me so much in regards of reality and what it plans to smack me around with. [ geared up, come and get me]
This semester was just full of its ups and downs, fews and far betweens and all that cream filling in the middle. I am not going to regret anything that was of here- things ive started and ended, things ive lost and things i never got to finish. I finally learned to accept the responsibility for my actions and take all consequences with full force.
They know and well as I do that my past is not the best. Actually, its pretty sad. From lying to my parents, to cheating- jumping from guy to guy to make myself feel better. For keeping my mouth shut and for keeping it open too long [eww, no sexual innuendo intended]..but mainly for allowing myself to let everyone else get to me.
In BLD, we learn that God always forgives and that its you, yourself who does not forgive. It is you that needs to be able to say sorry to yourself and forgive yourself- truly and completely. That is my biggest problem, being able to forgive myself for all the things ive done to others and especially myself. If i were another person looking at me then i would even turn away from myself. That's what i think it is- i hold this heaviness because i am too scared to forgive myself. I am too scared to be happy because i am too mad at myself.
From recent events, ive learned that controlling my temper and forgiveness is the key to keeping everything intact. That it is okay to make mistakes, and it is okay for others to make mistakes too. I am learning- slowly. Its funny how people still manage to love you despite your flaws. I find myself always smiling when one tells you the things that youre not used to hearing-- like the whole hearted i love you, or i missed you. Don't worry- i miss you & love you too. my heart is feeling it... its just shy, i guess.
"i forgive you, aprildawncaterinagaringosantos"
i want someone to listen closely. [ let me sing my song to you]
Ive been in the library since 230pm and i can barely study- reading, but not really reading. Right now, all i can think about is how i am so close to graduating. I am finally leaving this place in one semester. I mean, Buffalo has taught me so much in regards of reality and what it plans to smack me around with. [ geared up, come and get me]
This semester was just full of its ups and downs, fews and far betweens and all that cream filling in the middle. I am not going to regret anything that was of here- things ive started and ended, things ive lost and things i never got to finish. I finally learned to accept the responsibility for my actions and take all consequences with full force.
They know and well as I do that my past is not the best. Actually, its pretty sad. From lying to my parents, to cheating- jumping from guy to guy to make myself feel better. For keeping my mouth shut and for keeping it open too long [eww, no sexual innuendo intended]..but mainly for allowing myself to let everyone else get to me.
In BLD, we learn that God always forgives and that its you, yourself who does not forgive. It is you that needs to be able to say sorry to yourself and forgive yourself- truly and completely. That is my biggest problem, being able to forgive myself for all the things ive done to others and especially myself. If i were another person looking at me then i would even turn away from myself. That's what i think it is- i hold this heaviness because i am too scared to forgive myself. I am too scared to be happy because i am too mad at myself.
From recent events, ive learned that controlling my temper and forgiveness is the key to keeping everything intact. That it is okay to make mistakes, and it is okay for others to make mistakes too. I am learning- slowly. Its funny how people still manage to love you despite your flaws. I find myself always smiling when one tells you the things that youre not used to hearing-- like the whole hearted i love you, or i missed you. Don't worry- i miss you & love you too. my heart is feeling it... its just shy, i guess.
"i forgive you, aprildawncaterinagaringosantos"
i want someone to listen closely. [ let me sing my song to you]
say it, dont spray it.
So, it's over.
He's with someone else and you know her.
And you just can't get any lower.
But sit in the dark alone
and won't answer your phone.
Well, I'm sorry.
I won't attend your pity party.
I'd rather go have calamari
and maybe a drink
And yes, I think
you should come with me.
Life isn't long.
There will be pain but life goes on.
With everyday a brand new song.
But if you'd rather stay at home
let me do you a favor.
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
Mmmm...if that's what you want alright.
Mmmm, I'm a lover.
And the pain of the heart from another
can be difficult to recover.
Yes, this I know,
but difficult isn't impossible.
And you shiver.
Be what you want.
You cry, lips quiver.
Well, honey, go on and cry me a river.
You wanna be down.
Fine, let me help you out.
(Help out.)
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
Oooh, if that's what you want, alright.
Then, if that's what you want, alright.
And your tears won't bring him back.
I know you wish they did.
But, it just don't work like that.
I know that healing takes time.
Even your heart has a pace.
Ah, but how much time are you gonna take?
Too much would be a mistake.
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
If that's what you want, alright.
[[[[[ its nothing pertinent to me; but the song reminds me of my past & all that other nasty stuff.]]]
love love love.
He's with someone else and you know her.
And you just can't get any lower.
But sit in the dark alone
and won't answer your phone.
Well, I'm sorry.
I won't attend your pity party.
I'd rather go have calamari
and maybe a drink
And yes, I think
you should come with me.
Life isn't long.
There will be pain but life goes on.
With everyday a brand new song.
But if you'd rather stay at home
let me do you a favor.
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
Mmmm...if that's what you want alright.
Mmmm, I'm a lover.
And the pain of the heart from another
can be difficult to recover.
Yes, this I know,
but difficult isn't impossible.
And you shiver.
Be what you want.
You cry, lips quiver.
Well, honey, go on and cry me a river.
You wanna be down.
Fine, let me help you out.
(Help out.)
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
Oooh, if that's what you want, alright.
Then, if that's what you want, alright.
And your tears won't bring him back.
I know you wish they did.
But, it just don't work like that.
I know that healing takes time.
Even your heart has a pace.
Ah, but how much time are you gonna take?
Too much would be a mistake.
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.
(If that's what you want, alright.)
I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry.
If that's what you want, alright.
[[[[[ its nothing pertinent to me; but the song reminds me of my past & all that other nasty stuff.]]]
love love love.
Sunday, December 7
i just want you
help me find myself like how i found you, ohhh.
i just want you..
"you know what the best thing about being in relationships are? holding them when they cant hold themselves" XD
ugh, i cant stop line dancing.
i just want you..
"you know what the best thing about being in relationships are? holding them when they cant hold themselves" XD
ugh, i cant stop line dancing.
Tuesday, December 2
Friday, November 21
& i pray...
Dear Lord,
Its been a while since ive spoken to you, and I want to let you know that right now i don't know what i am doing. I feel so confused and i feel like i am sort of losing direction to where and what i want in life. I kind of feel like im losing grip- i need something sustaining, something fruitful, positive and something that makes me breathe easy.
WHAT AM I DOING?
im doing this blind sighted. whole heartedly- but blindsighted.
So i pray, i pray for not a miracle, but for guidance- for an opportunity to regain focus, to regain strength and to regain balance. Father, please take this leap with me. Please protect from any harm, and most of all- hold me close.
in this i pray.
amen.
Its been a while since ive spoken to you, and I want to let you know that right now i don't know what i am doing. I feel so confused and i feel like i am sort of losing direction to where and what i want in life. I kind of feel like im losing grip- i need something sustaining, something fruitful, positive and something that makes me breathe easy.
WHAT AM I DOING?
im doing this blind sighted. whole heartedly- but blindsighted.
So i pray, i pray for not a miracle, but for guidance- for an opportunity to regain focus, to regain strength and to regain balance. Father, please take this leap with me. Please protect from any harm, and most of all- hold me close.
in this i pray.
amen.
Saturday, November 8
eleven oh five
its been such a long time since ive written here, ever since the incident of breaking someone into a million pieces. Now im stuck in a perdicament.
Grudges.
its one thing to have them against people, but to have them on you- now thats a different story. Ive learned throughout all my relationships that if youre mad at a person, to NOT hold it-- especially in a relationship. Too bad, i did the opposite. im holding the biggest grudge right now and its killing me. And now, someone is holding a grudge on me and its hurting me even more. Its like that feeling when youre in bed with someone and theyre facing the opposite way, AT THE OTHER side of the bed. Its the way it feels that when you know youre wrong, and you try to say sorry-- and they dont accept it. Maybe i got into this wayy too fast. I complain of people hurting me-- but what if i am just hurting myself? What if i am just wasting my time, hurting instead of living. What if the person i am falling for is not supposed to be the one im falling for? ..grudges.
maybe i just hold a grudge against myself.
Grudges.
its one thing to have them against people, but to have them on you- now thats a different story. Ive learned throughout all my relationships that if youre mad at a person, to NOT hold it-- especially in a relationship. Too bad, i did the opposite. im holding the biggest grudge right now and its killing me. And now, someone is holding a grudge on me and its hurting me even more. Its like that feeling when youre in bed with someone and theyre facing the opposite way, AT THE OTHER side of the bed. Its the way it feels that when you know youre wrong, and you try to say sorry-- and they dont accept it. Maybe i got into this wayy too fast. I complain of people hurting me-- but what if i am just hurting myself? What if i am just wasting my time, hurting instead of living. What if the person i am falling for is not supposed to be the one im falling for? ..grudges.
maybe i just hold a grudge against myself.
Sunday, October 12
starlight.
Stars are the most fascinating creatures in the universe. Think about it. Their light is capable of traveling millions and millions of miles into the distance with an absolute disregard for any obstacles that may impede the way. Enduring the wear of travel, waning constantly in the abyss, stars send an uplifting message to the human spirit that in the face of darkness, one must never lose his or her shine.
lil siopao 05 (9:15:26 PM): What a world we live in that such phenomena exist and occur everyday, often without our knowing. Where in crowds, shoulders collide like the comets. Where cornered, eyes race like fumbling atoms. Where unexpectedly, strangers bond so perfectly like the elements, revealing soul-mates in disguise. Funny, how it doesn't take a high powered microscope to comprehend such miracles of love. All it takes is a little time.
thanks gangstar.
lil siopao 05 (9:15:26 PM): What a world we live in that such phenomena exist and occur everyday, often without our knowing. Where in crowds, shoulders collide like the comets. Where cornered, eyes race like fumbling atoms. Where unexpectedly, strangers bond so perfectly like the elements, revealing soul-mates in disguise. Funny, how it doesn't take a high powered microscope to comprehend such miracles of love. All it takes is a little time.
thanks gangstar.
Sunday, September 28
closed mouth shut.
periods blow. bad things happen all the time when i get my period. mother of all pearl. practice was short & quick- thank God and then i headed out with Blanca, Taylor & Gisun to get lunch outside campus. Then afterwards i went to the mall with Jessica- ending up seeing Eagle Eye- which was pretty decent from what I expected.
I saw this guy that looked like the guy that raped me in the mall. I didn't say anything to Jessica or Milton because its not something i flaunt really. I texted Christian and Julia, and they were as freaked as I was. It brought back alot of memories. I feel like everyday im always trying to get myself out of the past- its as if im buried in it. Christian gets so upset when my past dictates what goes on in my future & the present. I always wonder that- you think youve learned and you've finally forgiven-- but when similar passes you end up right back where you started. Its weird. I wanna forgive you, and i wanna forget you. But like Lauren from the Hills, its hard to forget.
thats my biggest flaw- forgiving too easily and not forgetting. so does that mean i'm not really forgiving? Its hard enough to go through the shit that ive been through & its even harder to face the people that hurt me everyday, but i thought i'd be over it by now. Maybe its my period talking, but i don't know how else to say anything anymore. I feel like sometimes i want to just be a machine & just do work. Just be here, to be here. to do things in order for them to get done- with or without a purpose.
i feel too much. thats another flaw. i'm too intuned with my feelings that i block out everyone else because no one can or want to understand what is REALLY going on in my head. The ones that listen are scared, and the other ones that listen just fight with me. I close my eyes, and all i see is everything ive done wrong since i was a child. From tattling on ateh to hurting everyone around me.
the fight last night reminded me that im still really "broken" inside. I'm getting glued little by little- but im still somewhat broken. When things are fine, i cant fathom its fine because i'm not used to things ever being fine. I am feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like i can't do anything right & take things of how they are. I can't learn to relax because I feel like i need to always be doing something, always need to be there for someone. I feel like i don't want people to be there for me becausei don't deserve it. I feel like ive done so much wrong, that i'll be permanently in debt before i can right anything.
this battle is just between me, myself & i . i don't need your pity, just a prayer.
Lord,
i can't forgive myself.
I FORGIVE YOU (1st john 1:9)
I saw this guy that looked like the guy that raped me in the mall. I didn't say anything to Jessica or Milton because its not something i flaunt really. I texted Christian and Julia, and they were as freaked as I was. It brought back alot of memories. I feel like everyday im always trying to get myself out of the past- its as if im buried in it. Christian gets so upset when my past dictates what goes on in my future & the present. I always wonder that- you think youve learned and you've finally forgiven-- but when similar passes you end up right back where you started. Its weird. I wanna forgive you, and i wanna forget you. But like Lauren from the Hills, its hard to forget.
thats my biggest flaw- forgiving too easily and not forgetting. so does that mean i'm not really forgiving? Its hard enough to go through the shit that ive been through & its even harder to face the people that hurt me everyday, but i thought i'd be over it by now. Maybe its my period talking, but i don't know how else to say anything anymore. I feel like sometimes i want to just be a machine & just do work. Just be here, to be here. to do things in order for them to get done- with or without a purpose.
i feel too much. thats another flaw. i'm too intuned with my feelings that i block out everyone else because no one can or want to understand what is REALLY going on in my head. The ones that listen are scared, and the other ones that listen just fight with me. I close my eyes, and all i see is everything ive done wrong since i was a child. From tattling on ateh to hurting everyone around me.
the fight last night reminded me that im still really "broken" inside. I'm getting glued little by little- but im still somewhat broken. When things are fine, i cant fathom its fine because i'm not used to things ever being fine. I am feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like i can't do anything right & take things of how they are. I can't learn to relax because I feel like i need to always be doing something, always need to be there for someone. I feel like i don't want people to be there for me becausei don't deserve it. I feel like ive done so much wrong, that i'll be permanently in debt before i can right anything.
this battle is just between me, myself & i . i don't need your pity, just a prayer.
Lord,
i can't forgive myself.
I FORGIVE YOU (1st john 1:9)
Thursday, September 25
game on, skin off ?
this entire month ever since ive been back in school has been kind of hectic. First with alysha and being pregnant and now my best friend, elaine, 5 months pregnant and keeping it. She finally told me yesterday. It kind of put me in retrospective.
School is tough, really tough and the workload is insane- so i try to manage and do everything accordingly and early so i have time for myself and to study for future exams. I thought that id be partying much more this year, but sometimes id rather just cozy up next to dunks and sleep. I find myself sleeping an extra 5 hours after clinical on wednesdays and thursdays and then on weekends- im alone.
Yesterday, i went to the OR and got to see a total knee replacement (again) and an open heart surgery. Well partially. But the heart, one of the body's most vital organs was right there, less than 11 inches away from me, was beating and exposed, naked and aw & probably one of the most beautiful things ive seen in so long. It reminded me of all the things that my heart beats for, sinks for, yearns for.
I want to do well in school, and so its my first priority. My dad has a displaced him & hopefully through some therapeutic regimen and pain management he will NOT have to go through surgery. Ive spoken to my uncle and aunt from arizona and hopefully they will visit for my graduation-- its my dad's cousin and also his best friend- so why not. Im starting to workout- not to really lose weight- but tone up...that'll be a while. But it definitely decreases my stress levels. Ive spoken to David and he's going back into training after the incident =) Tony and I still have our random conversations ar 3o clock when i can't sleep. And i got a letter from christine with a pretty necklace that came in.
Im still surprised and shocked that my best friend is pregnant. Its crazy- we had all these plans about moving into manhattan and living the high roller life- and now she's gonna be a mom, and i'm gonna be a nurse. I wasnt mad at her when she told me, i was mad because she waited for so long to tell me. I was livid at first, but then understood her point of view later on. Im practically family, and she was scared- honestly, i'd be scared too. When i did all those things, i was scared to tell her cos we're just honest like that- we're good like that. we're best friends like that.
As im growing up, i feel like i still feel like people are still the same- stuck in their ways. im in clinical with someone, and even though i didn't do anything to them- they act like such a twit to me. its horrible- i stick it through- only 3 weeks left. those people are still those people & i still have my few beauties that still don't mind spending time with me. During practice, one thing that hurts alot is the fact that this one won't even look me in the eye. if i did something wrong, i'm sorry- i didn't know. im sorry-- but its only me and him in the scene and i'm right next to him and he'll stare everywhere else but at me- makes the scene look horrible. or maybe i'm just horrible. I can't wait to get out of here. But since im stuck here id like to have the BEST TIME ever. so im trying, scared- but eh? what else can i do.
I saw a guy on the bus that looked exactly like eugene
. memories. i miss you.its weird how i always come back to this uy. its not like we dated, or even kissed or hooked up- but i felt like he taught me so much in the little time that i knew him- about life and love, and about how something is wrong with the whole world and not with me. He was one of the few knight and shining armor guys- just hidden as a polysci major & what not. Overall- everytime i feel so sad about being here, i think about the biggest sacrifice he's made for me & feel better.
Im getting older, and i feel like ive changed so much. I want to be able to have someone keep up with my change- and not hold me back. I used to hold the past back, of the way things used to be, because the past made me happy. Now- the past probably hurts me just as much as it did way back when. I want to grow & learn and just keep moving forward- taking a few quick stops, but never fully stopping until i'm completely satisfied.
Lord,
I know i'm always praying about the same thing over and over- but sometimes i really wish that i could find some way to get over all the things ive been through. I know that your plan is something that is great and full of worth & hopefully, i'm accomplishing it everyday- but i ask for some sort of boost- some sort of " not be scared, and in your face" kind of thing. I just want to stop being scared.
School is tough, really tough and the workload is insane- so i try to manage and do everything accordingly and early so i have time for myself and to study for future exams. I thought that id be partying much more this year, but sometimes id rather just cozy up next to dunks and sleep. I find myself sleeping an extra 5 hours after clinical on wednesdays and thursdays and then on weekends- im alone.
Yesterday, i went to the OR and got to see a total knee replacement (again) and an open heart surgery. Well partially. But the heart, one of the body's most vital organs was right there, less than 11 inches away from me, was beating and exposed, naked and aw & probably one of the most beautiful things ive seen in so long. It reminded me of all the things that my heart beats for, sinks for, yearns for.
I want to do well in school, and so its my first priority. My dad has a displaced him & hopefully through some therapeutic regimen and pain management he will NOT have to go through surgery. Ive spoken to my uncle and aunt from arizona and hopefully they will visit for my graduation-- its my dad's cousin and also his best friend- so why not. Im starting to workout- not to really lose weight- but tone up...that'll be a while. But it definitely decreases my stress levels. Ive spoken to David and he's going back into training after the incident =) Tony and I still have our random conversations ar 3o clock when i can't sleep. And i got a letter from christine with a pretty necklace that came in.
Im still surprised and shocked that my best friend is pregnant. Its crazy- we had all these plans about moving into manhattan and living the high roller life- and now she's gonna be a mom, and i'm gonna be a nurse. I wasnt mad at her when she told me, i was mad because she waited for so long to tell me. I was livid at first, but then understood her point of view later on. Im practically family, and she was scared- honestly, i'd be scared too. When i did all those things, i was scared to tell her cos we're just honest like that- we're good like that. we're best friends like that.
As im growing up, i feel like i still feel like people are still the same- stuck in their ways. im in clinical with someone, and even though i didn't do anything to them- they act like such a twit to me. its horrible- i stick it through- only 3 weeks left. those people are still those people & i still have my few beauties that still don't mind spending time with me. During practice, one thing that hurts alot is the fact that this one won't even look me in the eye. if i did something wrong, i'm sorry- i didn't know. im sorry-- but its only me and him in the scene and i'm right next to him and he'll stare everywhere else but at me- makes the scene look horrible. or maybe i'm just horrible. I can't wait to get out of here. But since im stuck here id like to have the BEST TIME ever. so im trying, scared- but eh? what else can i do.
I saw a guy on the bus that looked exactly like eugene
. memories. i miss you.its weird how i always come back to this uy. its not like we dated, or even kissed or hooked up- but i felt like he taught me so much in the little time that i knew him- about life and love, and about how something is wrong with the whole world and not with me. He was one of the few knight and shining armor guys- just hidden as a polysci major & what not. Overall- everytime i feel so sad about being here, i think about the biggest sacrifice he's made for me & feel better.Im getting older, and i feel like ive changed so much. I want to be able to have someone keep up with my change- and not hold me back. I used to hold the past back, of the way things used to be, because the past made me happy. Now- the past probably hurts me just as much as it did way back when. I want to grow & learn and just keep moving forward- taking a few quick stops, but never fully stopping until i'm completely satisfied.
Lord,
I know i'm always praying about the same thing over and over- but sometimes i really wish that i could find some way to get over all the things ive been through. I know that your plan is something that is great and full of worth & hopefully, i'm accomplishing it everyday- but i ask for some sort of boost- some sort of " not be scared, and in your face" kind of thing. I just want to stop being scared.
Friday, September 19
Yesterday.
something stupid? In order to write any entry in my blogger, i have to listen to this one particular song. Its a love song, but i feel that it can relate to anything in my life. Le sigh- i'm a weiner.
Ever since the incident, and the sulking- school was able to bounce me back and helped me even to work much harder than i ever did in a long time. So far i've been managing my time well- doing work ahead in order to have more time for clinical writing, practice for barrio and especially sleep. I can't really say that i am happy that i told the truth because i still look at pictures from time to time, and look at the infamous facebook- but then something always snaps me back to reality.
This semester- i want nothing but the best- take everything as it is & also get obtain every opportunity even if it means i have to deal with people that i don't like in particular. When im home, i feel sort of safe- my room mates and i get along, but in my room; i still have that loneliness. That feeling wishing someone was there to sleep next to you, being with you, loving you endlessly. But i don't want that feeling to get in the way of anything else- so I compensate by:
1. nursing school blows- work, work, work.
2. assistant to international coordinator
3. barrio dancer & actor
4. public relations/ activities chair for NSO
5. aasu choreographer
6. working out cos im fat
7. sleeping
8. talking on the phone
9. reading
10. learning new songs to sing
So im busy. I keep myself busy, because i don't like downtime. I don't want to be lazy. I want things accomplished and things done to be perfect in their own way. I want my hard work to pay off. Even though im a bit disappointed that i will not be in sigma theta tau- i'm just glad i have a good chance to go home for the month of April & that nothing will stop me from graduating in May 2009.
thats what i tell myself everyday
Social life has kinda of dwindled even more. I kind of keep to myself alot & just try to stay to the few people that i can trust that left here in Buffalo. But the quiet and the alone time does feel good sometimes. It helps me to just kind of relax and help myself teach myself the value of solitude.
I wanna say this: I miss him. I miss him so much-- but i think i miss the good times which are a mere blur to him, but the only thing that left me hanging to me. I don't miss the yelling, and the hangups and the fighting, and the hurtful words and everything else that turned on our relationship. He may say that i have many best friends, but he was truly one of my best friends because he knew me the way that others didn't & if he cant comprehend that, then he must be one dumb fuck. Im learning, baby steps to trust again. I'm learning to slowly love again. Im learning how to be by myself & actually enjoy it. But in my heart, it has its space for forgiveness- too bad he'll never realize what he's ever done wrong. When im actually ready- when he's ready to forgive me, then maybe it'll happen to start very slow, but right now...
im just a purple monkey dishwasher with shizz and kiehls and come here & eyy baaaaayybeee, so on with the airmaxs and the "mmmmhhmm" and watcha DOin?! add a little bit of marketing & a dash of nursing, mix it with a hungarian horntail and tall dude who gets his face cut off all the time in pictures times that with the fried oreos and the ABDC nights screwing over Boogie bots, but screaming for Fanny Pak to 6 upanddown rollercoasters in Razah rain theme park. and thats only the beginning.
ive been in my bed-- sleeping alone. but not feeling alone.
Lord,
Although days are stressful, i thank you so much for teaching me to become more persistent and glad that you trust me to do your will. Lord, i just pray that the times that i do feel sad, alone, and distressed- that you come and make everything better. I just want to heal & be more corageous- grant me the opportunities. I love you .
you are my everything.
amen.
edit// someone hold me, before icrack.
Ever since the incident, and the sulking- school was able to bounce me back and helped me even to work much harder than i ever did in a long time. So far i've been managing my time well- doing work ahead in order to have more time for clinical writing, practice for barrio and especially sleep. I can't really say that i am happy that i told the truth because i still look at pictures from time to time, and look at the infamous facebook- but then something always snaps me back to reality.
This semester- i want nothing but the best- take everything as it is & also get obtain every opportunity even if it means i have to deal with people that i don't like in particular. When im home, i feel sort of safe- my room mates and i get along, but in my room; i still have that loneliness. That feeling wishing someone was there to sleep next to you, being with you, loving you endlessly. But i don't want that feeling to get in the way of anything else- so I compensate by:
1. nursing school blows- work, work, work.
2. assistant to international coordinator
3. barrio dancer & actor
4. public relations/ activities chair for NSO
5. aasu choreographer
6. working out cos im fat
7. sleeping
8. talking on the phone
9. reading
10. learning new songs to sing
So im busy. I keep myself busy, because i don't like downtime. I don't want to be lazy. I want things accomplished and things done to be perfect in their own way. I want my hard work to pay off. Even though im a bit disappointed that i will not be in sigma theta tau- i'm just glad i have a good chance to go home for the month of April & that nothing will stop me from graduating in May 2009.
thats what i tell myself everyday
Social life has kinda of dwindled even more. I kind of keep to myself alot & just try to stay to the few people that i can trust that left here in Buffalo. But the quiet and the alone time does feel good sometimes. It helps me to just kind of relax and help myself teach myself the value of solitude.
I wanna say this: I miss him. I miss him so much-- but i think i miss the good times which are a mere blur to him, but the only thing that left me hanging to me. I don't miss the yelling, and the hangups and the fighting, and the hurtful words and everything else that turned on our relationship. He may say that i have many best friends, but he was truly one of my best friends because he knew me the way that others didn't & if he cant comprehend that, then he must be one dumb fuck. Im learning, baby steps to trust again. I'm learning to slowly love again. Im learning how to be by myself & actually enjoy it. But in my heart, it has its space for forgiveness- too bad he'll never realize what he's ever done wrong. When im actually ready- when he's ready to forgive me, then maybe it'll happen to start very slow, but right now...
im just a purple monkey dishwasher with shizz and kiehls and come here & eyy baaaaayybeee, so on with the airmaxs and the "mmmmhhmm" and watcha DOin?! add a little bit of marketing & a dash of nursing, mix it with a hungarian horntail and tall dude who gets his face cut off all the time in pictures times that with the fried oreos and the ABDC nights screwing over Boogie bots, but screaming for Fanny Pak to 6 upanddown rollercoasters in Razah rain theme park. and thats only the beginning.
ive been in my bed-- sleeping alone. but not feeling alone.
Lord,
Although days are stressful, i thank you so much for teaching me to become more persistent and glad that you trust me to do your will. Lord, i just pray that the times that i do feel sad, alone, and distressed- that you come and make everything better. I just want to heal & be more corageous- grant me the opportunities. I love you .
you are my everything.
amen.
edit// someone hold me, before icrack.
Monday, September 8
"the truth shall set you free"
"you did the right thing"
"it may hurt now, but if you told him later, he would never talk to you again"
2nd week of school has been nothing but hectic hectic hectic. Saturday mornong i woke up at 7am to catch a bus to go to south for my SPT at 9am. Too freakin' bad that the TA wasnt there. So i walked to HSLibrary to take my online exams-- but the media room was closed. Now i'm just pissed. Walked back to Kimball and the TA was there later on-- took the test & passed. Then went to the library to finally take my online exams & that took about 2 1/2 hrs. Passed and did well. At this point, i wanted to crawl into bed with a big mac or something. Nothing for breakfast or for lunch. Headed back to north and cooked myself a huge ass meal-- wanted to unstress and unwind.
Went on the computer and saw "disappointed" WTF. Now i'm horribly angry. He calls later to tell me he misses me- thats all. He finally has the decency to tell me how he feels after we broke up. He finally realized that he hurt me so much, he finally realized that i was something of worth. Only to find out that i am worth nothing for what i did. I confessed that i shared myself with someone. I let someone enter my life and take what was his. I cheated. I finally burst out and told him the truth because i didn't deserve that sort of praise. I let that stupid girl get to me, i let her words, her entries, her rumors get me and i cheated. I felt like everything had literally just peeled off my body and all was left was bone. I felt like i shot him straight in the chest.
I barely had moved from my room. I lost all motivation to do work. Gisun came by and Henry dragged me so i can watch him dance- but i went back to room and just sulked. I didn't cry, i didn't whine, i didn't reason. I just took it all. Don't say that i didn't love him, because i have him in my heart- i just let myself become stupid. I just let myself go because i felt like he let me go. He may say he never stooped low like i did, but with all the fights and being mistreated, the lies, and all the things he put me through- i guess you can say it evens up. But its not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I worked so hard for 2 1/2 years-- maybe even longer, and literally just broke all of that.
I have lost all motivation & lost all hope right now. I feel like im about to implode. Ive been praying and hoping that through the next few days that school will snap me back.
Lord- help me through what I have done. I just wanted to be truthful. I wanted to just be free.
Forgive me.
"you did the right thing"
"it may hurt now, but if you told him later, he would never talk to you again"
2nd week of school has been nothing but hectic hectic hectic. Saturday mornong i woke up at 7am to catch a bus to go to south for my SPT at 9am. Too freakin' bad that the TA wasnt there. So i walked to HSLibrary to take my online exams-- but the media room was closed. Now i'm just pissed. Walked back to Kimball and the TA was there later on-- took the test & passed. Then went to the library to finally take my online exams & that took about 2 1/2 hrs. Passed and did well. At this point, i wanted to crawl into bed with a big mac or something. Nothing for breakfast or for lunch. Headed back to north and cooked myself a huge ass meal-- wanted to unstress and unwind.
Went on the computer and saw "disappointed" WTF. Now i'm horribly angry. He calls later to tell me he misses me- thats all. He finally has the decency to tell me how he feels after we broke up. He finally realized that he hurt me so much, he finally realized that i was something of worth. Only to find out that i am worth nothing for what i did. I confessed that i shared myself with someone. I let someone enter my life and take what was his. I cheated. I finally burst out and told him the truth because i didn't deserve that sort of praise. I let that stupid girl get to me, i let her words, her entries, her rumors get me and i cheated. I felt like everything had literally just peeled off my body and all was left was bone. I felt like i shot him straight in the chest.
I barely had moved from my room. I lost all motivation to do work. Gisun came by and Henry dragged me so i can watch him dance- but i went back to room and just sulked. I didn't cry, i didn't whine, i didn't reason. I just took it all. Don't say that i didn't love him, because i have him in my heart- i just let myself become stupid. I just let myself go because i felt like he let me go. He may say he never stooped low like i did, but with all the fights and being mistreated, the lies, and all the things he put me through- i guess you can say it evens up. But its not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I worked so hard for 2 1/2 years-- maybe even longer, and literally just broke all of that.
I have lost all motivation & lost all hope right now. I feel like im about to implode. Ive been praying and hoping that through the next few days that school will snap me back.
Lord- help me through what I have done. I just wanted to be truthful. I wanted to just be free.
Forgive me.
Tuesday, September 2
got your back.
so its been a week since i've started my final year at UB and i've been okay. Ive been spending time with the RIGHT people & studying alot. Not too much partying and just reading the readings i have to do in order to succeed for my career.
I put alot of stuff to cover the white walls. I put pictures of my close, my closer and closest- putting cut up photos and even creating collages just to stop the emptiness. I bought a large poster of Van Gogh- starry night and another one that has the subtitle " holding you, i hold everything".
i guess i can be honest here. i'm still feeling the loneliness- but the quietness is actually quite nice. I need to focus on the more important stuff and more important people. Be there for the ones that really need me, and just let go of the ones that just keep using me.
My room has become my safe zone & i feel okay. Im not that much better, but i'm getting to a place in my heart where i may start forgiving much more. But its a process and it may not happen here in college but it'll happen. There's just so much that weigh my heart down & i need to deal with the more important stuff first.
I still have the fears that still keep me from really being myself- but slowly their subsiding.
A jerk iMed me last night telling me that I have not changed at all since we had dated- but too bad he is completely wrong. I know i've grown so much because i've been through too much- more than even a 50 year old can handle. Ive stayed the same height, but i loved, and someone or someones loved me, i fell short of things, handle things well, triumphed over hard times, grown to be mature, and even got a better fashion sense. I may not be a wannabe sex talking metro- but i've become the best person that God wants me to be and it is still going on. Yes, i still write how i feel via away message and facebook-- but who doesn't ? There's more in life than emo messages and phrases-- too bad he failed to realized that.
Sometimes i forget to thank the people the have gotten me through the worst of the worst and provided me with the best of the best. I don't need to name because its not the emmys- but they know- they know me & know that people make mistakes & that i am soo much better than that.
Love, thank you for never letting me fall down.
Dear Lord,
you are amazing. thank you for not making me feel so lonely anymore & for helping me focus out of my ADDness & providing me with the best backbone a girl could have. I thank you so much for trusting me, and even when i feel down and even if i cry and feel like such crap- i know that its for your will & i'm always willing to do your will.
Amen.
I put alot of stuff to cover the white walls. I put pictures of my close, my closer and closest- putting cut up photos and even creating collages just to stop the emptiness. I bought a large poster of Van Gogh- starry night and another one that has the subtitle " holding you, i hold everything".
i guess i can be honest here. i'm still feeling the loneliness- but the quietness is actually quite nice. I need to focus on the more important stuff and more important people. Be there for the ones that really need me, and just let go of the ones that just keep using me.
My room has become my safe zone & i feel okay. Im not that much better, but i'm getting to a place in my heart where i may start forgiving much more. But its a process and it may not happen here in college but it'll happen. There's just so much that weigh my heart down & i need to deal with the more important stuff first.
I still have the fears that still keep me from really being myself- but slowly their subsiding.
A jerk iMed me last night telling me that I have not changed at all since we had dated- but too bad he is completely wrong. I know i've grown so much because i've been through too much- more than even a 50 year old can handle. Ive stayed the same height, but i loved, and someone or someones loved me, i fell short of things, handle things well, triumphed over hard times, grown to be mature, and even got a better fashion sense. I may not be a wannabe sex talking metro- but i've become the best person that God wants me to be and it is still going on. Yes, i still write how i feel via away message and facebook-- but who doesn't ? There's more in life than emo messages and phrases-- too bad he failed to realized that.
Sometimes i forget to thank the people the have gotten me through the worst of the worst and provided me with the best of the best. I don't need to name because its not the emmys- but they know- they know me & know that people make mistakes & that i am soo much better than that.
Love, thank you for never letting me fall down.
Dear Lord,
you are amazing. thank you for not making me feel so lonely anymore & for helping me focus out of my ADDness & providing me with the best backbone a girl could have. I thank you so much for trusting me, and even when i feel down and even if i cry and feel like such crap- i know that its for your will & i'm always willing to do your will.
Amen.
Tuesday, August 26
i miss home
i really miss home. i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
sighh.
sighh.
purple pants.
its only tuesday & im very overwhelmed. about 4 5pg worksheets due this week, labs galore then straight to clinical, papers to write & now i just feel even more homesick. Lucky, i do have a few friends to count on here in buffalo. That's the thing- before i had alot of friends, and then now i just have a few- but the few always count, right?
henry and i had this long walk and talk around campus sunday morning where i just told him the overwhelmingness & the anxiety i felt about being myself, and being left out. For me its hard to say, " fuck you" or " i don't care" to people that i used to be close with. I shared my life with them, and i feel like my life has been stomped on. But that's what im trying to learn to not care for the ones that only either want to use me, abuse me or hurt me. I'm tired of all the childish crap & i'm tired of saving their asses when in need.
I started to fill my empty walls with posters & stuff, and even got a free poster for being nice to the poster salesboys for giving them towels when it rained on sunday. I put my favorite van gogh photo up and another photo that i don't know the name of the artist it was made by. But all i know is that i wanted no more depressing walls & fill my room as my comfort zone. I put this wall decal up too since i can't paint my walls orange or something. Plus, i finally got a curtain rod that worked so i now have a curtain.
I got to spend time with jessica and saw milton for a few but played rockband for about 3 hrs straight. The next day i saw alysha & jessica. Alysha helped make my room more at home & jessica and i were able to have our usual HE DID WHAT WITH WHAT sex talks. One of the most relaxing things was riding on Tony [her boyfriend and my friends] motorcycle. I loved it- it felt exhilarating- almost like i was finally letting loose. Letting go is something that i must work on but feeling the need for speed was a blessing.
When i come back to the apartment, i thought of all summer. The internship, the quarrels, the fun times, the loved times, those times, THOSE times, and him. I miss you. I miss you so much & i want you here. I miss your touch & the way you make me laugh. The way you make me smile when i was so sad & the way you always tried and in my eyes, NEVER FAILED. i know i may have given you a large dose of me, but i hope you know that you can give me all of you-- i can handle it. i promise.
outside, im rockin' my purple pants. inside, i need someone to help with the glue process.
Lord,
its funny how youre always there when i feel like you're not. I love you for putting me through these trials. They have to lead to something? I'll get through all this with you. Just please, help me stop crying. Help me to realize im not alone. I feel it so much, i feel the loneliness all the time. Help me get through this. please. im scared.
Amen.
.love,
me.
henry and i had this long walk and talk around campus sunday morning where i just told him the overwhelmingness & the anxiety i felt about being myself, and being left out. For me its hard to say, " fuck you" or " i don't care" to people that i used to be close with. I shared my life with them, and i feel like my life has been stomped on. But that's what im trying to learn to not care for the ones that only either want to use me, abuse me or hurt me. I'm tired of all the childish crap & i'm tired of saving their asses when in need.
I started to fill my empty walls with posters & stuff, and even got a free poster for being nice to the poster salesboys for giving them towels when it rained on sunday. I put my favorite van gogh photo up and another photo that i don't know the name of the artist it was made by. But all i know is that i wanted no more depressing walls & fill my room as my comfort zone. I put this wall decal up too since i can't paint my walls orange or something. Plus, i finally got a curtain rod that worked so i now have a curtain.
I got to spend time with jessica and saw milton for a few but played rockband for about 3 hrs straight. The next day i saw alysha & jessica. Alysha helped make my room more at home & jessica and i were able to have our usual HE DID WHAT WITH WHAT sex talks. One of the most relaxing things was riding on Tony [her boyfriend and my friends] motorcycle. I loved it- it felt exhilarating- almost like i was finally letting loose. Letting go is something that i must work on but feeling the need for speed was a blessing.
When i come back to the apartment, i thought of all summer. The internship, the quarrels, the fun times, the loved times, those times, THOSE times, and him. I miss you. I miss you so much & i want you here. I miss your touch & the way you make me laugh. The way you make me smile when i was so sad & the way you always tried and in my eyes, NEVER FAILED. i know i may have given you a large dose of me, but i hope you know that you can give me all of you-- i can handle it. i promise.
outside, im rockin' my purple pants. inside, i need someone to help with the glue process.
Lord,
its funny how youre always there when i feel like you're not. I love you for putting me through these trials. They have to lead to something? I'll get through all this with you. Just please, help me stop crying. Help me to realize im not alone. I feel it so much, i feel the loneliness all the time. Help me get through this. please. im scared.
Amen.
.love,
me.
Saturday, August 23
its not helping.
nothing is helping. im helpless. im nervousanxiousscaredfrightenedweirdedoutsick..everything.
safe to say, im back in buffalo again. alone. no one is in my apartment. no one called to hang. im alone. yes it is the 1st day, but to be honest- for my 1st day back i didn't think id be seeing them so soon.
right now.. im re thinking, re evaluating, re-EVERYTHING. school, friends, myself, family, loves. im falling apart. i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling overwhelemed. i can't stop it. and im alone.
i literally threw almost everything out in my room. i threw clothes, notebooks, shoes, journals, photos, gitz and gadgets.i was cleaning and cleaning and i didn't know why, cos im looking at it right now & im still all cluttered with all these blank white walls.
i don't want to call anyone cos i don't want to bother anyone. but really. i feel alone & i want to be held.
Dear Lord,
Ive been taught by you that you won't give me anything i can't handle. Im trying really hard with everything you give me. Lord, you can give me any trial- but i just ask you Lord to just ease the loneliness, to ease the overwhelmingness, to have the tears be wiped away. I love you.
.me,
safe to say, im back in buffalo again. alone. no one is in my apartment. no one called to hang. im alone. yes it is the 1st day, but to be honest- for my 1st day back i didn't think id be seeing them so soon.
right now.. im re thinking, re evaluating, re-EVERYTHING. school, friends, myself, family, loves. im falling apart. i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling overwhelemed. i can't stop it. and im alone.
i literally threw almost everything out in my room. i threw clothes, notebooks, shoes, journals, photos, gitz and gadgets.i was cleaning and cleaning and i didn't know why, cos im looking at it right now & im still all cluttered with all these blank white walls.
i don't want to call anyone cos i don't want to bother anyone. but really. i feel alone & i want to be held.
Dear Lord,
Ive been taught by you that you won't give me anything i can't handle. Im trying really hard with everything you give me. Lord, you can give me any trial- but i just ask you Lord to just ease the loneliness, to ease the overwhelmingness, to have the tears be wiped away. I love you.
.me,
Friday, August 15
yay for turtles.
its hard to imagine that in exactly one week i'll be back in buffalo. All the anxiety just came back, and honestly- i'm so nervous. Its my final year & i'm glad, but sometimes i wish that i put myself more out there and just learned how to be more resilient in my own personal matters.
whats harder are the things i'm leaving here in staten island. Im gonna miss my parents, my friends, and loved ones, and all the in betweens too. this summer has been a relaxing one. Yes i worked all summer, but i feel that ive been just recooperating and refreshing myself in order to prepare myself for the lonely days in buffalo.
im scared. ive been scared since the beginning of summer. I can't let my guard down because im too vulnerable. There are days when i don't even know why im sad, but i feel this heavy burden on my shoulders constantly. Yes, ive been taking the pills to help myself, but in all honestly-- they just numb my pain, supress it until it hits harder than prior. I push so many people away because i don't want anyone to endure what i went through & what im going through. I am protecting them thats all. Whats worse- i don't want to be alone going through all of this- but i don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore, and i don't want people to go down with me. I willingly went down with someone & i still am going through the after affects. I can't run away from the people that make me sad because if i cant help them, than who will ?
I called turtlicious last night. Although our conversation consisted mostly of catching up, i felt better. I didn't feel so alone last night. I told him some brief stories & a small update of whats been going on, but it wasnt the fact that he had something to say that made me feel a little better- it was the fact that he just picked up. With a busy schedule, we don't talk much, but last night- he picked up. He listened. He spoke. & i, felt better. I can't say that im happy again, but i feel that he helped through this healing process im going through. [quote " april, im here for you & i haven't forgotten about you."]
I'm not searching for answers or solutions- what is done is done. Im looking for someone to just say " everything is going to be okay" & " its hard, but you'll pull through" .. maybe im not listening, maybe youre not talking loud enough.. but a warm embrace- or just something that would help stop the loneliness would just be a really big help.
maybe im just confused. My whole life has been one dictation after the next & ive rebeled in so many ways possible. Now that things are different- i don't know how to... walk, strut, smile... anything really. I just am lost.
Wanna know something? Im still hurting from the past & everyday its killing me a little more each day.
im SOSing.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
whats harder are the things i'm leaving here in staten island. Im gonna miss my parents, my friends, and loved ones, and all the in betweens too. this summer has been a relaxing one. Yes i worked all summer, but i feel that ive been just recooperating and refreshing myself in order to prepare myself for the lonely days in buffalo.
im scared. ive been scared since the beginning of summer. I can't let my guard down because im too vulnerable. There are days when i don't even know why im sad, but i feel this heavy burden on my shoulders constantly. Yes, ive been taking the pills to help myself, but in all honestly-- they just numb my pain, supress it until it hits harder than prior. I push so many people away because i don't want anyone to endure what i went through & what im going through. I am protecting them thats all. Whats worse- i don't want to be alone going through all of this- but i don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore, and i don't want people to go down with me. I willingly went down with someone & i still am going through the after affects. I can't run away from the people that make me sad because if i cant help them, than who will ?
I called turtlicious last night. Although our conversation consisted mostly of catching up, i felt better. I didn't feel so alone last night. I told him some brief stories & a small update of whats been going on, but it wasnt the fact that he had something to say that made me feel a little better- it was the fact that he just picked up. With a busy schedule, we don't talk much, but last night- he picked up. He listened. He spoke. & i, felt better. I can't say that im happy again, but i feel that he helped through this healing process im going through. [quote " april, im here for you & i haven't forgotten about you."]
I'm not searching for answers or solutions- what is done is done. Im looking for someone to just say " everything is going to be okay" & " its hard, but you'll pull through" .. maybe im not listening, maybe youre not talking loud enough.. but a warm embrace- or just something that would help stop the loneliness would just be a really big help.
maybe im just confused. My whole life has been one dictation after the next & ive rebeled in so many ways possible. Now that things are different- i don't know how to... walk, strut, smile... anything really. I just am lost.
Wanna know something? Im still hurting from the past & everyday its killing me a little more each day.
im SOSing.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
Sunday, August 10
public announcement.
I wonder. I really do. How BAD of a friend I am? To let so many drift away, to the point were sarcastic remarks is what fills an empty conversation when we haven't seen eachother in a long time. Ive fallen short in many friendships & i know that i hold it against myself. So i'm gonna say & forevermore will say- i am sorry.
+ we used to talk so much. You're the only boy i ever slept over for the YLSS. Even when taking SE, we still were distant & we hardly talk either. I'm sorry.
+ We're BSB. We lost contact. We found eachother in Manhattan. You're in Penn State & i'm in Buffalo. I miss you & hope that you're doing alright.
+ We've both got internships this summer. I love you so much & thank God that when we talk, its like we've never lost touch. I am sorry for always rescheduling. Gosh, you worked in staten island and I in manhattan and we still managed to not find time for eachother. You always have a spot in the house. I'll always be there for you no matter what. I love you, you stinker. Ohh, i'm gonna be packing soon- you gotta help me pack, bffle.
+ you're in the MARINES! ugh, i haven't seen you in so long & i'm sorry that we lost touch & when we did make efforts to call, we just fought. I hope you come home soon.
+ ever since we got separate boyfriends, we've grown more and more distant to the point where our conversations are so superficial. Now we barely speak. Im sorry.
+ I hope you realize that i'm forever grateful for you. But ever since WE happened, you became distant. I get so angry that sometimes you leave me out of the loop. You're supposed to be one of my best friends, and yet all summer you've been distant. Just because of WE doesn't CHANGE nothing between me and you. You've been like my life saver throughout the school year & you're always there. I hope you know that i am always there with open arms. As much as i rant to you, you can 6970667539x rant to me too. Don't forget that, gangster.
+ sometimes you make me so mad. You forget the friends that are always there & yet you always have a tendency to just find "friends" to gain what? popularity. I hope you know. I do, sincerely, call you one of my closest and best friends. Too bad you never realized it. For once, put down the camera and take a snap shot of your "abandoned" friends.
+ Thank you for always being "the holy" one. I'm sorry if we're distant too, but thank you so much for always letting me give me advice when i need it the most. When i'm lost, you find me. Thanks "mom".
im sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
+ we used to talk so much. You're the only boy i ever slept over for the YLSS. Even when taking SE, we still were distant & we hardly talk either. I'm sorry.
+ We're BSB. We lost contact. We found eachother in Manhattan. You're in Penn State & i'm in Buffalo. I miss you & hope that you're doing alright.
+ We've both got internships this summer. I love you so much & thank God that when we talk, its like we've never lost touch. I am sorry for always rescheduling. Gosh, you worked in staten island and I in manhattan and we still managed to not find time for eachother. You always have a spot in the house. I'll always be there for you no matter what. I love you, you stinker. Ohh, i'm gonna be packing soon- you gotta help me pack, bffle.
+ you're in the MARINES! ugh, i haven't seen you in so long & i'm sorry that we lost touch & when we did make efforts to call, we just fought. I hope you come home soon.
+ ever since we got separate boyfriends, we've grown more and more distant to the point where our conversations are so superficial. Now we barely speak. Im sorry.
+ I hope you realize that i'm forever grateful for you. But ever since WE happened, you became distant. I get so angry that sometimes you leave me out of the loop. You're supposed to be one of my best friends, and yet all summer you've been distant. Just because of WE doesn't CHANGE nothing between me and you. You've been like my life saver throughout the school year & you're always there. I hope you know that i am always there with open arms. As much as i rant to you, you can 6970667539x rant to me too. Don't forget that, gangster.
+ sometimes you make me so mad. You forget the friends that are always there & yet you always have a tendency to just find "friends" to gain what? popularity. I hope you know. I do, sincerely, call you one of my closest and best friends. Too bad you never realized it. For once, put down the camera and take a snap shot of your "abandoned" friends.
+ Thank you for always being "the holy" one. I'm sorry if we're distant too, but thank you so much for always letting me give me advice when i need it the most. When i'm lost, you find me. Thanks "mom".
im sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
Friday, August 8
defense mechanism.
kinda sad to say but i think i get too defensive easily. My mom and dad barks and i bite so hard its not even funny. My sister had a baby this morning, and my dad, of course filled with joy & my mother still filled with stress from the night before, wanted to go right away to new york hospital in queens. One thing though, I KNOW for a fact my sister did not want to see them- she just fackin' had a baby & wants to recover.
Yes, i do have plans for today. Haircut, longbranch, BLD- but that wasn't my reason for yelling at my mother. I know my sister too well- its bad enough that i had to hear all the horrible truths about my sister's past with the family, but i know this is sort of my sister's vendetta for the things my father did to her when she was a kid [ the whole beating and strictness crap]. Its obvious that my sister favors Percy's parents over her own & chooses to only see my dad on a once in a few month basis. I wouldn't say my sister is entirely wrong with the whole grudge thing, but i also know that the way she is going about it is wrong.
My brother had 2 children + one more on the way, but they're all the way in the Philippines. So my dad can't see them often, or even sometimes-- but when they're here he is happy. My brother knows about this entire thing, since we talk through text messaging all the time. He knows how frustrated i get with the present because i never knew the past behind it.
My sister is taking advantage of my dad. Knowing that he would spend all the money in the world THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE on his grand kids, she asks for the more expensive things for herself as well as Cat and soon Rion. My sister needs some serious attitude checking and just let my dad see his grand kids.
She needs to forget her past and just forgive- the RIGHT way. I try really hard to be my own person, but i always looked up to her. Although people call her cold and selfish, the way she influenced my life growing up cannot be touched by anyone- not even my parents. People are right, I am like my sister more and more everyday. My work ethics, the way i treat my relationships & friends, the way i treat my parents, and the way that i hold grudges so deep that it starts to define who i am.
I love my mother & father for always staying definitive in my life. For understanding the way i mold myself and for helping me realize that its okay to be your own person & that i too, can be the golden child. To my mother i am her own child- and i know that i hurt her too much when i bark & yell at her. I am my mother's golden child, & i'm here to make her proud. I've grown to just be defensive because i don't think they know, but i let people walk all over me and define who i am ALL THE TIME. Only if they knew how my relationships truly were, and if they only knew how Buffalo has made me die a little more each day. If they only knew the pressure that was on my heart when Mark died, and the day that my heart broke into a million pieces when Eugene died and Glenn crumbled. If they only knew how i struggled to save Jayar and how he didn't save me. If they only knew how Buffalo killed my spirit by losing a majority of my friends because of stupidity. How BLD has more chased me away than brought me closer to God. How i blame myself everyday for faults that aren't even my own. I don't want to show any of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I dont want to show them that i am the problem child, my sister fulfilled that role. But i can tell you that i just want my parents to be proud that I survived all that & so much more. I want them to realize that I get defensive because I'm scared to let loose- to let people in again. I love them to death- but this tough facade is something that helps me get through my day. I hope that they both realize, especially my mother, that i do everything with my heart & my soul..and that's why i'm so prone to getting hurt... & now i'm tired of it.
I hope my dad & mom know that they don't need to worry when i get married and have kids. They can see them whenever they want. As long as my dad takes care of his health & my mother doesn't kill him. My dad will be the LOLO that he wants to be for Catalina, Rion, Jeboy, & Luis + baby number tres. & my mother will see herself in my child, because i will raise her/ him like my mother raised me.. with lots of love, hugs, picture taking & friend chicken.
i love you mom & dad, don't forget that.
Yes, i do have plans for today. Haircut, longbranch, BLD- but that wasn't my reason for yelling at my mother. I know my sister too well- its bad enough that i had to hear all the horrible truths about my sister's past with the family, but i know this is sort of my sister's vendetta for the things my father did to her when she was a kid [ the whole beating and strictness crap]. Its obvious that my sister favors Percy's parents over her own & chooses to only see my dad on a once in a few month basis. I wouldn't say my sister is entirely wrong with the whole grudge thing, but i also know that the way she is going about it is wrong.
My brother had 2 children + one more on the way, but they're all the way in the Philippines. So my dad can't see them often, or even sometimes-- but when they're here he is happy. My brother knows about this entire thing, since we talk through text messaging all the time. He knows how frustrated i get with the present because i never knew the past behind it.
My sister is taking advantage of my dad. Knowing that he would spend all the money in the world THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE on his grand kids, she asks for the more expensive things for herself as well as Cat and soon Rion. My sister needs some serious attitude checking and just let my dad see his grand kids.
She needs to forget her past and just forgive- the RIGHT way. I try really hard to be my own person, but i always looked up to her. Although people call her cold and selfish, the way she influenced my life growing up cannot be touched by anyone- not even my parents. People are right, I am like my sister more and more everyday. My work ethics, the way i treat my relationships & friends, the way i treat my parents, and the way that i hold grudges so deep that it starts to define who i am.
I love my mother & father for always staying definitive in my life. For understanding the way i mold myself and for helping me realize that its okay to be your own person & that i too, can be the golden child. To my mother i am her own child- and i know that i hurt her too much when i bark & yell at her. I am my mother's golden child, & i'm here to make her proud. I've grown to just be defensive because i don't think they know, but i let people walk all over me and define who i am ALL THE TIME. Only if they knew how my relationships truly were, and if they only knew how Buffalo has made me die a little more each day. If they only knew the pressure that was on my heart when Mark died, and the day that my heart broke into a million pieces when Eugene died and Glenn crumbled. If they only knew how i struggled to save Jayar and how he didn't save me. If they only knew how Buffalo killed my spirit by losing a majority of my friends because of stupidity. How BLD has more chased me away than brought me closer to God. How i blame myself everyday for faults that aren't even my own. I don't want to show any of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I dont want to show them that i am the problem child, my sister fulfilled that role. But i can tell you that i just want my parents to be proud that I survived all that & so much more. I want them to realize that I get defensive because I'm scared to let loose- to let people in again. I love them to death- but this tough facade is something that helps me get through my day. I hope that they both realize, especially my mother, that i do everything with my heart & my soul..and that's why i'm so prone to getting hurt... & now i'm tired of it.
I hope my dad & mom know that they don't need to worry when i get married and have kids. They can see them whenever they want. As long as my dad takes care of his health & my mother doesn't kill him. My dad will be the LOLO that he wants to be for Catalina, Rion, Jeboy, & Luis + baby number tres. & my mother will see herself in my child, because i will raise her/ him like my mother raised me.. with lots of love, hugs, picture taking & friend chicken.
i love you mom & dad, don't forget that.
Tuesday, August 5
twilight*
so its been a while since ive written here. Summer days have gone. My internship is over! So i have a few weeks left to enjoy my summer. Have i lost weight? Probably not. Have i studied? yea right.
For the last day the 8th floor threw me and Diana a party to congratulate us for finishing the program. We got a few gifts like a lay, bath and body works stuff and and a giftcard. My preceptor also got me a giftcard which i used already. Ithink im gonna miss her the most. She was awesome. She is such an amazing nurse and she is hilarious. I can't wait to be just like her when i graduate.
This is my final year. SHEEEESSSH. im excited. Scared, but excited. I hope that i do become like her, or maybe even better. Stop letting the shitty shit get to me and breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I think thats what summer has taught me the most. Hello, senior year- my name is april dawn and im here to show you that im so badass that i can kick my own ass.
I didnt go to the beach alot. And i spent most of my time wiping asses and changing beds more than anything. I think that i fell in love with life, and with what it offers me all over again too. I mean, all the things that i went through this summer has just given me a stepping stone to me being something greater. I know i am worth much more than the life im leading.
Im also more thankful for my mother and father even though they drive me nuts sometimes. Its crazy to think that i let other people sway my thoughts of what my family has made me. Maybe i am easily swayed, but im glad i have my parents, especially my mom, to help me be happy with what i have and what im working my ass towards. I may not be able to afford alot of stuff, but im glad that i can rock the shit that i already do have [ ha, im a jackass]
on another note, david has wrote me another again. I miss that guy. I pray that he gets through his training and achieve what his heart truly desires. We started writing eachother about a month ago- and so far the communication has been going well. He'll be back soon so, I hope i can see him soon.
I feel like i've lost myself so much that i don't know who i am anymore. I try and try to search, but i think that the answers will come eventually and that maybe its just time to breathe. Don't worry- they can take the broken dreams, the broken promises, they can take tomorrow and the plans we've made, they can take future that we'll never know- they can take it away, but they'll never have yesterday. Im okay though. I really am. Even if i don't know, just guide me because you know.
For the next few weeks- i just want my memories. Pictures, collages, sunshowers, kisses, love love and more love. I want something sentimental like a ring or a freestyle. I want my last 2 1/2 weeks to be the most amazing part of my summer, even though i think my whole summer was the best part of summer.
sorry for the A.D.D. rantings.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
ps. " don't be afraid, we belong together" i murmured
pps. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. "forever," he agreed
ppps. twilight saga.
pppps. happy birthday gangstar. hope you like the crave case lovin.
For the last day the 8th floor threw me and Diana a party to congratulate us for finishing the program. We got a few gifts like a lay, bath and body works stuff and and a giftcard. My preceptor also got me a giftcard which i used already. Ithink im gonna miss her the most. She was awesome. She is such an amazing nurse and she is hilarious. I can't wait to be just like her when i graduate.
This is my final year. SHEEEESSSH. im excited. Scared, but excited. I hope that i do become like her, or maybe even better. Stop letting the shitty shit get to me and breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I think thats what summer has taught me the most. Hello, senior year- my name is april dawn and im here to show you that im so badass that i can kick my own ass.
I didnt go to the beach alot. And i spent most of my time wiping asses and changing beds more than anything. I think that i fell in love with life, and with what it offers me all over again too. I mean, all the things that i went through this summer has just given me a stepping stone to me being something greater. I know i am worth much more than the life im leading.
Im also more thankful for my mother and father even though they drive me nuts sometimes. Its crazy to think that i let other people sway my thoughts of what my family has made me. Maybe i am easily swayed, but im glad i have my parents, especially my mom, to help me be happy with what i have and what im working my ass towards. I may not be able to afford alot of stuff, but im glad that i can rock the shit that i already do have [ ha, im a jackass]
on another note, david has wrote me another again. I miss that guy. I pray that he gets through his training and achieve what his heart truly desires. We started writing eachother about a month ago- and so far the communication has been going well. He'll be back soon so, I hope i can see him soon.
I feel like i've lost myself so much that i don't know who i am anymore. I try and try to search, but i think that the answers will come eventually and that maybe its just time to breathe. Don't worry- they can take the broken dreams, the broken promises, they can take tomorrow and the plans we've made, they can take future that we'll never know- they can take it away, but they'll never have yesterday. Im okay though. I really am. Even if i don't know, just guide me because you know.
For the next few weeks- i just want my memories. Pictures, collages, sunshowers, kisses, love love and more love. I want something sentimental like a ring or a freestyle. I want my last 2 1/2 weeks to be the most amazing part of my summer, even though i think my whole summer was the best part of summer.
sorry for the A.D.D. rantings.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
ps. " don't be afraid, we belong together" i murmured
pps. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. "forever," he agreed
ppps. twilight saga.
pppps. happy birthday gangstar. hope you like the crave case lovin.
Sunday, July 20
Puzzle No. 94
" the best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. they must be felt with the heart"
My friend Ryan will be sent to Afghanistan in a few days as a combat medic.
My goddaughter Jennifer has thyroid papillary cancer.
My friend David is not in boot camp in preparation for the marines.
My parents are still not getting along.
I need more xanax.
I miss my best friends.
I want a sugar glider.
Katrina's party was fun fun fun [ boop].
2 more weeks until this program is over.
About 5 more weeks until school begins.
beach.
My friend Ryan will be sent to Afghanistan in a few days as a combat medic.
My goddaughter Jennifer has thyroid papillary cancer.
My friend David is not in boot camp in preparation for the marines.
My parents are still not getting along.
I need more xanax.
I miss my best friends.
I want a sugar glider.
Katrina's party was fun fun fun [ boop].
2 more weeks until this program is over.
About 5 more weeks until school begins.
beach.
Wednesday, July 16
333213
so today at work, i did the usual AM care and the usual check ups on all the patients that my preceptor and I were assigned to. Oen of the nurses asked me to do vitals on 2 patients because he was kinda getting backed up. Thats where i met 333213.
333213 came from Poland and has a history full of horrible memories from Auschwitz. I spent alot of time with him due to some medical reasons and he told me stories about the creamatories, the hidden ungergrounds, the shooting and killing and all that. He told me about his family. About being friends with Pope John Paul II, and Maximillion. But everytime he had a heart felt moment he kept tapping his chest- his barrel chest. He had what people called a "pigeon chest". He didn't want to cry in front of me, but he wanted to show his emotions through the tapping. I held alot of my tears in, I held myself in- not because it didn't hit me, but because i didn't want him to cry since he was already in alot of pain. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to be strong for him.
I don't think i could ever forget the stories of 333213 or Michael. I don't think i could ever forget the blue eyes and how he told me he missed me when i was away for my lunch. I don't think i could forget the smile he had when i was there, and how i was his sunshine at 715 in the morning.
april : if you could have 3 wishes what would they be?
michael: to just be healthy. and live my life.
april dawn.
333213 came from Poland and has a history full of horrible memories from Auschwitz. I spent alot of time with him due to some medical reasons and he told me stories about the creamatories, the hidden ungergrounds, the shooting and killing and all that. He told me about his family. About being friends with Pope John Paul II, and Maximillion. But everytime he had a heart felt moment he kept tapping his chest- his barrel chest. He had what people called a "pigeon chest". He didn't want to cry in front of me, but he wanted to show his emotions through the tapping. I held alot of my tears in, I held myself in- not because it didn't hit me, but because i didn't want him to cry since he was already in alot of pain. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to be strong for him.
I don't think i could ever forget the stories of 333213 or Michael. I don't think i could ever forget the blue eyes and how he told me he missed me when i was away for my lunch. I don't think i could forget the smile he had when i was there, and how i was his sunshine at 715 in the morning.
april : if you could have 3 wishes what would they be?
michael: to just be healthy. and live my life.
april dawn.
Tuesday, July 15
eugene.
Dear Eugene,
Its kind of awkward writing to you especially when i know you can't read this. Or maybe? [ i hope you can]
I may get in trouble for writing this letter to you, but i don't care. Its been about a year a few months since your death & i can honestly say that i think about you from time to time. Think about you and glenn visiting me and rescuing me from that wreched time during my sophomore year.
I want to tell you im sorry for not giving you the chance you truly did deserve. I guess i was in too deep for someone to notice that someone saw me for me and didn't care about the brands and what i looked like, but cared for what i already was. You were smart and funny and you rescued me. You drove up with glenn 6 hours up and 6 hours down just to stop my tears- just to stop the hurting, stop them- stop time--- just for me.
I tell your story to the people that i'm close with and the people i meet. I tell them about your story with me- our short but savouring story of puppy love & simplistic values. I remember the gentleman that helped me cross the streets in canada & the gerberas at my first academic/engineering ball. I remember our conversations at my cafeteria and the constantly mocking of me watching ugly betty and greys. I remember the drive down- and the words, " i may not be the best looking guy in the world but if i can have the chance to be there for her- i will"
I wanted to give you your chance that night. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I called at midnight- right when you told me that you would call after your shift. I called Eugene. I really did. I wanted to hang out with you and get to know my best friend's best friend. I'm sorry i never made it to your funeral or wake. Im sorry i havent visited your grave- but know that i did call. I did make that phone call and i left messages on your voicemail. I did, i wanted to know you. I still want to know you.
Thank you for being my hero.
So i ask [please take care of me and glenn] help us to just get over ourselves and tell him to forigve me please. Lord, help me.
Forever&always,
april.dawn.
Its kind of awkward writing to you especially when i know you can't read this. Or maybe? [ i hope you can]
I may get in trouble for writing this letter to you, but i don't care. Its been about a year a few months since your death & i can honestly say that i think about you from time to time. Think about you and glenn visiting me and rescuing me from that wreched time during my sophomore year.
I want to tell you im sorry for not giving you the chance you truly did deserve. I guess i was in too deep for someone to notice that someone saw me for me and didn't care about the brands and what i looked like, but cared for what i already was. You were smart and funny and you rescued me. You drove up with glenn 6 hours up and 6 hours down just to stop my tears- just to stop the hurting, stop them- stop time--- just for me.
I tell your story to the people that i'm close with and the people i meet. I tell them about your story with me- our short but savouring story of puppy love & simplistic values. I remember the gentleman that helped me cross the streets in canada & the gerberas at my first academic/engineering ball. I remember our conversations at my cafeteria and the constantly mocking of me watching ugly betty and greys. I remember the drive down- and the words, " i may not be the best looking guy in the world but if i can have the chance to be there for her- i will"
I wanted to give you your chance that night. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I called at midnight- right when you told me that you would call after your shift. I called Eugene. I really did. I wanted to hang out with you and get to know my best friend's best friend. I'm sorry i never made it to your funeral or wake. Im sorry i havent visited your grave- but know that i did call. I did make that phone call and i left messages on your voicemail. I did, i wanted to know you. I still want to know you.
Thank you for being my hero.
So i ask [please take care of me and glenn] help us to just get over ourselves and tell him to forigve me please. Lord, help me.
Forever&always,
april.dawn.
Thursday, July 10
lets take this into consideration...
as i sit in the living room belonging to new jersey, i cant help but finally be happy at the fact that i am using a computer that will not freeze on me.
ive made so many mistakes in my life & everyday i try my hardest to not regret them. Its to the point where i can actually sit in my room on my days off contemplating EXACTLY what i did or did not do wrong. Some things im not really sure if i am at fault or not & at other aspects, i know i royally fucked up.
Some people can't forgive. I, for one, am one of them. Well not entirely. I think it depends. I dont know the things i did wrong in my prayer group, in buffalo, in staten island... everywhere. but i cant get them to forgive me, and i cant me to forgive myself.
i am now taking celexa and xanax and to control myself. to control the emotions, to control the anxiety, to control my life. it hurts. well, not tooo much anymore. i kinda just feel numb. to everything.
but atleast work is going alright. & im losing weight- in some twisted, " i only eat pinkberry" diet way.
im trying, but im still aching.
G0d, i need YOU.
ive made so many mistakes in my life & everyday i try my hardest to not regret them. Its to the point where i can actually sit in my room on my days off contemplating EXACTLY what i did or did not do wrong. Some things im not really sure if i am at fault or not & at other aspects, i know i royally fucked up.
Some people can't forgive. I, for one, am one of them. Well not entirely. I think it depends. I dont know the things i did wrong in my prayer group, in buffalo, in staten island... everywhere. but i cant get them to forgive me, and i cant me to forgive myself.
i am now taking celexa and xanax and to control myself. to control the emotions, to control the anxiety, to control my life. it hurts. well, not tooo much anymore. i kinda just feel numb. to everything.
but atleast work is going alright. & im losing weight- in some twisted, " i only eat pinkberry" diet way.
im trying, but im still aching.
G0d, i need YOU.
Monday, June 9
numero whatever.
have you ever been let down so bad?
& have you ever felt like you tried to fit in and even sometimes your closest friends are the ones that are pushing you away ?
im in so much trouble.
& have you ever felt like you tried to fit in and even sometimes your closest friends are the ones that are pushing you away ?
im in so much trouble.
Tuesday, April 22
goodbye 20.
so its about 20- something minutes prior to my 21st & im kinda scared. I want to say "thank you 20 for everything youve given me- for the happy times, the sad times, the hard times & everything in between"
i hope that turning 21 helps me get through all the things i go through. I hope that turning 21 will turn out for the best- resulting in making my parents proud, making my friends proud and of course, My LORD proud.
LORD,
I thank for letting me live such an amazing life for the past 20 years. Thank you for breathing life into me and getting my through the hard times as well as celebrating with me for the happy times. You are such an inspiration to me & im so glad that YOU still hold me tight. I know that right now you're testing me through this difficult time, but i hope that you know that i will succeed and hope that you stay with me throughout this entire time. Thank you for being my shelter, my hope, my love, my heart & when i've gone astray, i thank you for letting me run back to you.
I hope that I have made you proud as your daughter, dad & mom. I hope that you two still love me as much as you did when i was born. I hope that my struggles and my heartaches have never affected you in ways that it has affected me. Yes mommy & daddy, i miss you two very much and i love you for all that youve done for me- including giving me the best possible life that you two can give me. I forgive you for all the times you've hurt me & forgive me for all the times ive hurt you. Words cannot fathom how much i owe you, but know that your baby will always be your strength, i promise you will not be disappointed when i'm done with buffalo. i love you, please forgive, i forgive you.
to my bests: elaine, julia & glenn. i love all three of you.. no matter how gay and faggety you guys are. I love you for everything youve done for me- for keeping my secrets, getting me through this weird place & just being there to call & talk to. I know i've not spoken to you guys very much recently- but know that my heart is all yours [ for the keeping] i love all of you & wouldn't have it any other way. please forgive me, i forgive you, i love you.
buffalonians:gisun,blanca,taylor: im so glad we stay close & have gotten closer through our lunches, dinners and our starbucking. i love you guys so much & i hope you know that your friendship means alot to me. You guys are amazing & i hope we stay close for a long time. Im gonna miss you taylor and hope you get that job here in buffalo to pay for my PHO. gisun you're my sunny & i want to tell you that i love you and will always be there. Blanca- ikaw naman. maraming maraming nang salamat- you honestly are my backbone. without you i'd go nuts; thank you for staying by my side always.
EQUADORAINSmilton&jess- my brother and sister from a different mister. thank you for letting me show my choreographin' skills & for always supporting me. Im so glad that i can stay close with the both of you even with hectic schedules. you're amazing.
NURSINGanais,liz,shaunda,alicia,crystal,jena,amanda,adam, kaye, carrie& jim. you guys are simply beautiful in all ways possible. thank you for the hugs & the kisses when i was going through my roughest time this semester. Thank you for the smiles & the wonderful greetings every morning. Thanks for the rides to clinical & thank you for just keeping me sane. i love you all.
MIASjess&alysha. hey slut bags. youre always MIA, but know that i love you dearly & i miss you so much. im glad you guys are still keeping in contacting with me & im glad you guys are both happy. miss you alot guys.
PMD. thank you for being simply perfect. i love you in all ways possible & i hope that everything just keeps getting better & better. oh, i see the light.
in my heart, it has its space for its forgiveness. I hope that one day, you'll realize that.
Lord, thank you. i love you so much..
so its 11:53pm... 7 minutes until im 21... goodbye 20... hello, new life.
forever yours,
april dawn
i hope that turning 21 helps me get through all the things i go through. I hope that turning 21 will turn out for the best- resulting in making my parents proud, making my friends proud and of course, My LORD proud.
LORD,
I thank for letting me live such an amazing life for the past 20 years. Thank you for breathing life into me and getting my through the hard times as well as celebrating with me for the happy times. You are such an inspiration to me & im so glad that YOU still hold me tight. I know that right now you're testing me through this difficult time, but i hope that you know that i will succeed and hope that you stay with me throughout this entire time. Thank you for being my shelter, my hope, my love, my heart & when i've gone astray, i thank you for letting me run back to you.
I hope that I have made you proud as your daughter, dad & mom. I hope that you two still love me as much as you did when i was born. I hope that my struggles and my heartaches have never affected you in ways that it has affected me. Yes mommy & daddy, i miss you two very much and i love you for all that youve done for me- including giving me the best possible life that you two can give me. I forgive you for all the times you've hurt me & forgive me for all the times ive hurt you. Words cannot fathom how much i owe you, but know that your baby will always be your strength, i promise you will not be disappointed when i'm done with buffalo. i love you, please forgive, i forgive you.
to my bests: elaine, julia & glenn. i love all three of you.. no matter how gay and faggety you guys are. I love you for everything youve done for me- for keeping my secrets, getting me through this weird place & just being there to call & talk to. I know i've not spoken to you guys very much recently- but know that my heart is all yours [ for the keeping] i love all of you & wouldn't have it any other way. please forgive me, i forgive you, i love you.
buffalonians:gisun,blanca,taylor: im so glad we stay close & have gotten closer through our lunches, dinners and our starbucking. i love you guys so much & i hope you know that your friendship means alot to me. You guys are amazing & i hope we stay close for a long time. Im gonna miss you taylor and hope you get that job here in buffalo to pay for my PHO. gisun you're my sunny & i want to tell you that i love you and will always be there. Blanca- ikaw naman. maraming maraming nang salamat- you honestly are my backbone. without you i'd go nuts; thank you for staying by my side always.
EQUADORAINSmilton&jess- my brother and sister from a different mister. thank you for letting me show my choreographin' skills & for always supporting me. Im so glad that i can stay close with the both of you even with hectic schedules. you're amazing.
NURSINGanais,liz,shaunda,alicia,crystal,jena,amanda,adam, kaye, carrie& jim. you guys are simply beautiful in all ways possible. thank you for the hugs & the kisses when i was going through my roughest time this semester. Thank you for the smiles & the wonderful greetings every morning. Thanks for the rides to clinical & thank you for just keeping me sane. i love you all.
MIASjess&alysha. hey slut bags. youre always MIA, but know that i love you dearly & i miss you so much. im glad you guys are still keeping in contacting with me & im glad you guys are both happy. miss you alot guys.
PMD. thank you for being simply perfect. i love you in all ways possible & i hope that everything just keeps getting better & better. oh, i see the light.
in my heart, it has its space for its forgiveness. I hope that one day, you'll realize that.
Lord, thank you. i love you so much..
so its 11:53pm... 7 minutes until im 21... goodbye 20... hello, new life.
forever yours,
april dawn
Thursday, April 17
chaotic
im turing 21 in leass than a week. Tell me why i've been falling apart then. This emester has been nothing but trial after rejection after heartache after disappointment & all i can say is, " please just help me get through this safely".
The semester has brought me through the inevitable breaku, which to let you know, i still terrorize myself for and still also blame myself for.
The rejection of the the internships- omg, i've never felt more inadequate for the rest of my life. My life is already been set and yet, i don't feel like i'm up to par with what i should be doing.
my grades have been all mediocre. I know i'll pass, but what ever happened to the succeeding april? the one who will study like no tomorrow because her life DOES DEPEND ON IT.
im going home next week on a attempt to regain myself. my 21st. the legal age. The one age that to be honest, i'm not looking forward to for the drinking. I don't even look 21, i still look like i'm in hs.
i feel so discombobulated & frustrated with myself. Yesterday, since i had a day off, i just walked around alot and thought alot to myself about what is going to happen to me if i don't get with it- but is there anytime left?
I believe in so many people to do their greatest because if they don't they'll never full enjoy life. Im still sitting here, blogging, trying to figure out how to unleash that greatest again.
ive danced, and sang and partied recently- but still, nothing means more to me than just doing well in this school, in my life.
im scared guys, i really am.
Dear Lord,
i want to go back to the heart of worship.
amen.
The semester has brought me through the inevitable breaku, which to let you know, i still terrorize myself for and still also blame myself for.
The rejection of the the internships- omg, i've never felt more inadequate for the rest of my life. My life is already been set and yet, i don't feel like i'm up to par with what i should be doing.
my grades have been all mediocre. I know i'll pass, but what ever happened to the succeeding april? the one who will study like no tomorrow because her life DOES DEPEND ON IT.
im going home next week on a attempt to regain myself. my 21st. the legal age. The one age that to be honest, i'm not looking forward to for the drinking. I don't even look 21, i still look like i'm in hs.
i feel so discombobulated & frustrated with myself. Yesterday, since i had a day off, i just walked around alot and thought alot to myself about what is going to happen to me if i don't get with it- but is there anytime left?
I believe in so many people to do their greatest because if they don't they'll never full enjoy life. Im still sitting here, blogging, trying to figure out how to unleash that greatest again.
ive danced, and sang and partied recently- but still, nothing means more to me than just doing well in this school, in my life.
im scared guys, i really am.
Dear Lord,
i want to go back to the heart of worship.
amen.
Wednesday, April 16
Saturday, April 12
Sunday, March 23
numero diez y ocho. EASTER ed.
Thank you Jesus--
for my life. for my hardships. for everything. Lord, you are truly amazing and I am glad that you are consistently in my life and always staying close to me through many ways. The times i'm happy, you always bring it up a notch and the times i'm sad you always somehow surround with the best of people and keep me close when i'm lonely. Lord, i know tha for this lenten season, i barely gave anything up and the amount of trials and tribulations i went through cannot compare for what youve done for me, for us- all of us. So i thank you Lord, for everything in the past, in the present and i thank you ahead of time for the future.
Lord. I especially thank you for the loveliest blessings in my life- the presence of beautiful weather, the presence of friendship and of course the presence of love.
I pray Lord that the blessings may be shared among everyone. =)
infiniteEXsand0Hs,Publish Post
april.
ps. i know you have something better for me =)
for my life. for my hardships. for everything. Lord, you are truly amazing and I am glad that you are consistently in my life and always staying close to me through many ways. The times i'm happy, you always bring it up a notch and the times i'm sad you always somehow surround with the best of people and keep me close when i'm lonely. Lord, i know tha for this lenten season, i barely gave anything up and the amount of trials and tribulations i went through cannot compare for what youve done for me, for us- all of us. So i thank you Lord, for everything in the past, in the present and i thank you ahead of time for the future.
Lord. I especially thank you for the loveliest blessings in my life- the presence of beautiful weather, the presence of friendship and of course the presence of love.
I pray Lord that the blessings may be shared among everyone. =)
infiniteEXsand0Hs,Publish Post
april.
ps. i know you have something better for me =)
Thursday, March 20
term paper madness.
aprildawn (12:36:46 AM) : you're not here.
dontyouwannaknow(12:36:56 AM) : i'm right here babygirl.
Wednesday, March 19
numero diez y siete
Chance
what would happen if given the chance
one way to find out is for us to dance
the moment of truth when we finally see
if me and you are really meant to be
a test will be needed to make it certain
is it truly real or am i just smitten
with your brown eyes that shine like no other
makes me want to kiss you in any weather
these lines within shall say what is felt
but cannot reveal how the heart would melt
words aren't enough to show how i feel
to love a girl like you who makes me real
"Dreams, Choices, and Truth"
dreams are thoughts from deep within,
who knows no good or no sin.
shall i lay my head now or later?
for my heart will beat now and forever.
our rhymes and thoughts will intertwine,
the choices we make shall be divine.
my path is here and yours is there,
time shall pass with no despair.
a man shall have his hope and pride,
but beware of what he cannot hide.
his thoughts can be pure as gold,
yet the mind may fool what is told.
thanks carl maandal for the poems you wrote =)
what would happen if given the chance
one way to find out is for us to dance
the moment of truth when we finally see
if me and you are really meant to be
a test will be needed to make it certain
is it truly real or am i just smitten
with your brown eyes that shine like no other
makes me want to kiss you in any weather
these lines within shall say what is felt
but cannot reveal how the heart would melt
words aren't enough to show how i feel
to love a girl like you who makes me real
"Dreams, Choices, and Truth"
dreams are thoughts from deep within,
who knows no good or no sin.
shall i lay my head now or later?
for my heart will beat now and forever.
our rhymes and thoughts will intertwine,
the choices we make shall be divine.
my path is here and yours is there,
time shall pass with no despair.
a man shall have his hope and pride,
but beware of what he cannot hide.
his thoughts can be pure as gold,
yet the mind may fool what is told.
thanks carl maandal for the poems you wrote =)
Tuesday, March 18
Tuesday, March 4
Monday, March 3
numero catorce .
i hope you know that its going to take more than just money & your presence to let me let go of all the hurtful times.
honestly, i hope you "die in order for your soul to breathe".
i hope you realize that maybe i was the one for you , or is.
i just hope i can start smiling more often.
i hope that everything turns out alright .
honestly, i hope you "die in order for your soul to breathe".
i hope you realize that maybe i was the one for you , or is.
i just hope i can start smiling more often.
i hope that everything turns out alright .
numero trece .
i'm feeling really yucky & i have a hug exam tomorrow, yet i'm on my blogger. So this will be quick...So its only a few more days until i see him. It scaring me. Honestly, me becoming all apprehensive along with the fact that i am sick, make me even worse.
I just want to have this underlying faith that everything will be okay & i will be fine & that everything will fall back to place.
Dear Lord,.
I thank you for all the trials and tribulations that have brought me closer to you. I know that i don't say this much but I love you & put my faith all in you- i know that everything wil lturn out the way that its supposed to, but i'm scared that i will not be happy with it- but you know me oh-so well and you know whats best for me better than myself. I love you.
"Live inside my heart, please stay for always; 'til that timeless place- when we're face to face- and we embrace for always"
infinite x's and OH's,
april
Sunday, March 2
Saturday, March 1
numero once [deux] .
But maybe. just maybe. days weren't so bad. When i'm by myself, i feel like the world is against me, but at other times, late late at night, i don't feel so lonely. Maybe its one of those miracles. Maybe its one of those things. But maybe God is watching over me with a new blessing everyday. Although i saw my heart dangling right before my eyes- all bruised and held with some tape, day after another day...its seems to be slowly restoring. Piece by piece i'm starting to remember my carefree days- the things that i loved very dearly and the things i was passionate about slowly but surely coming back with crazy glue & nike shoe laces. I feel like its almost molding into a new & better shape, even better than a heart like a giraffe, a jimmy chu flat or even a sneaker- i just want to feel new & have the same luster i've had before . I'm beginning to control the sad emotions internally & put myself in a state where all i want to do is live- live well. It sounds really dumb, but i feel like the soundtrack of my life is starting to take on a different rotation with all these crazybeautiful tracks but line by line, verse by verse- i'm slowly coming together.Yes, i am very confused, Yes, i don't know what to do with myself and yes, i'm so emotionally exhausted, but, there's a tiny part of me that is still willing to love, love my Lord, love thyself and love someone else unconditionally- allowing someone to get to know me the way i am supposed to be & not want to change any of it. In my heart, it has its room for forgiveness among other things & lately, thanks yous and apologies have been happening, & i feel like its almost okay to breathe again. like its almost okay to smile . maybe, it'll take it from here.
numero once.
trey songz- missin' you .
[shirt_less]
so yes, i'm still sort of in that "i miss you, why did you leave me" phase. But i stopped calling & started to let myself go. Started to do all the listen to ultra emo love songs, spend days lying down doing absolutely nothing and etc etc etc. But seriously, i couldn't even actually take the days off because of nursing & after the breakup a 72 also was a consequence. So i feel like lately i've just been dead. Really just floating and had no real feeling in my heart; numb i guess you can say. He says its not a break; he doesn't believe in breaks so we break up and he's the one that's literally dangling my heart in my face. I feel like i'm watching myself dwindle- dwindle into something that i can't get myself out of. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL. i'm not zoila nelson, i'm not her. You don't just break someone's heart and then be jolly at the the fact that we're going to get back togther. I feel like a TOOL. a big fat tool. how does anyone do that? How do people put love on hold. say, " hold on, you're pissing me off. so lets date others..and then we'll get back ". I don't feel worth it. You know why ? because he acts like we'll get back together. That he does not need to change and that he knows that he has it in the bag. He doesn't treat me like i'm precious & for once, i finally understand that he rests on the fact that i will always be there. He loves me because i'm there, not because he'd be lost without me. He fails to realize that he doesn't even know the amount of my heart that i've put in this relationship. He's freebied his way through his life, and i feel like i'm not worth much. I don't think i've wasted any part of my love on him, but i feel like i am the waste of time . Its been about weeks since the breakup & i'm still tearing at night & i still lie on the floor listening to those emo songs.
Sunday, February 17
numero nueve .
Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel
maroon 5- sweetest goodbye.
my gosh. save me, please.
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel
maroon 5- sweetest goodbye.
my gosh. save me, please.
Thursday, February 14
numero ocho . MY S0NG .
o, yo, check it
It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine
There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..
It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine
There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..
Wednesday, February 13
numero siete .
Girl turn me up and let me come through your speakers
Blow the sound out of your tweeters
Cause babygirl this is the music for love
Shawty don't be scared, just let the bass line hit you
Boom boom, all up in your system
Cause babygirl, this is the music for love
Girl, let my frequency just flow through your body
Get this party started, cause baby, babygirl
This is the music for love
Put me on repeat girl, let's go again and again
No matter AM or FM
Cause babygirl, this is the music for love"
Blow the sound out of your tweeters
Cause babygirl this is the music for love
Shawty don't be scared, just let the bass line hit you
Boom boom, all up in your system
Cause babygirl, this is the music for love
Girl, let my frequency just flow through your body
Get this party started, cause baby, babygirl
This is the music for love
Put me on repeat girl, let's go again and again
No matter AM or FM
Cause babygirl, this is the music for love"
numero seis .
Donora - Shh .
I like I like when we whisper soft to each other
I like I like when we're quiet with one another
I like I like when we're n-nice nice to each other
I like I like when we surely like one another
I like I like when we whisper soft to each other
I like I like when we're quiet with one another
I like I like when we're n-nice nice to each other
I like I like when we surely like one another
I like I like when we whisper soft to each other
I like I like when we're quiet with one another
I like I like when we're n-nice nice to each other
I like I like when we surely like one another
I like I like when we whisper soft to each other
I like I like when we're quiet with one another
I like I like when we're n-nice nice to each other
I like I like when we surely like one another
Tuesday, February 12
numero cinco .
he can only hold her [amy winehouse ]
He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but noone's home
She's so vacant Her soul is taken
He is what she's running from
How can he have her heart
When it got stole
Though he tries to pacify her
Whats inside her never dies
Even if she's content in his warmth
She gets pained with urgency
Urgent kisses
The miss misses
The man that he longs to be
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole
So he tries to pass it by
Cause what's inside'll never die
As he tries to pacify her
Cause whats inside her never dies
someone help me stop. i started again. i'm sorry. SOS.
He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but noone's home
She's so vacant Her soul is taken
He is what she's running from
How can he have her heart
When it got stole
Though he tries to pacify her
Whats inside her never dies
Even if she's content in his warmth
She gets pained with urgency
Urgent kisses
The miss misses
The man that he longs to be
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole
So he tries to pass it by
Cause what's inside'll never die
As he tries to pacify her
Cause whats inside her never dies
someone help me stop. i started again. i'm sorry. SOS.
Monday, February 11
numero quatro .
my gosh.
i feel like i lost a piece of me- or like all of me last night . & all i pray is that you are okay and that i get through this & hopefully one day definitely, maybe.
62605- 21108. [ray j - one wish, ronan keating - when you say nothing at all, aslyn- be the girl ]
i will always love you .
Lord, i really need you right now . take away this emptiness please. & please let me pass my exam
Sunday, February 10
numero tres .
so i figured that i attempt this one more time because my heart is aching for someone else to see this for someone else to listen, for someone else to believe in me.
relationships are weird - rough around the edges and as you go deeper into it, it begins to soften and starts to fit every curvature of your soul as you fall deeper and deeper. But i feel like i've fallen so deep that its practically engulf every part of my being . Woah, sounds way to dramatic.
"how about forever?"
i never have thought that through my years of dating i'd endure so much where i feel my luster has been dulled down to the point where its nothing but metal. I mean, i'm okay with going through every step and every problem- but there's not solution, there hasn't been a solution since it all started falling apart.
Ignoring problems, yelling, low blows and such are just one of the many reasons i'm just torn and tattered.
I feel like i've changed so much of myself that i don't even know what i'm doing anymore or who i am anymore .
I've been in this for so long, and i never thought that i'd lost every part of me- the things i liked changed, the way i dressed changed and even the way i spoke and handled things. I've come to notice that although i did gain new experiences and opportunities, i feel like i lost so much also . I was always there, every step in every way to be that leaning shoulder, to be that person, to be THAT girl. I wanted to be that girl.
Maybe sometimes, i don't want to be that girl anymore. I just want me- i want me back, and i want someone to adore me and love me as much as their hearts can handle. I dont want to change myself anymore and be someone like i'm not, especially like buy a 350z and then fuck it up- good job, idiot.
but i want happiness- life is too short to have nothing but happiness. Through this, i pray and hope that i find myself & find someone that truly does fit me. God, fill this void and make me whole.
last night was the first night i felt safe. thanks for being "next" to me .
infinite Xs and 0Hs,
abril .
relationships are weird - rough around the edges and as you go deeper into it, it begins to soften and starts to fit every curvature of your soul as you fall deeper and deeper. But i feel like i've fallen so deep that its practically engulf every part of my being . Woah, sounds way to dramatic.
"how about forever?"
i never have thought that through my years of dating i'd endure so much where i feel my luster has been dulled down to the point where its nothing but metal. I mean, i'm okay with going through every step and every problem- but there's not solution, there hasn't been a solution since it all started falling apart.
Ignoring problems, yelling, low blows and such are just one of the many reasons i'm just torn and tattered.
I feel like i've changed so much of myself that i don't even know what i'm doing anymore or who i am anymore .
I've been in this for so long, and i never thought that i'd lost every part of me- the things i liked changed, the way i dressed changed and even the way i spoke and handled things. I've come to notice that although i did gain new experiences and opportunities, i feel like i lost so much also . I was always there, every step in every way to be that leaning shoulder, to be that person, to be THAT girl. I wanted to be that girl.
Maybe sometimes, i don't want to be that girl anymore. I just want me- i want me back, and i want someone to adore me and love me as much as their hearts can handle. I dont want to change myself anymore and be someone like i'm not, especially like buy a 350z and then fuck it up- good job, idiot.
but i want happiness- life is too short to have nothing but happiness. Through this, i pray and hope that i find myself & find someone that truly does fit me. God, fill this void and make me whole.
last night was the first night i felt safe. thanks for being "next" to me .
infinite Xs and 0Hs,
abril .
Wednesday, February 6
numero dos
Hey, i'm april. i'm short & have a big heart.i love to cut my hair and i'm scared to trust people now.
thaaanks ;)
thaaanks ;)
Saturday, January 12
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