numero tres .

so i figured that i attempt this one more time because my heart is aching for someone else to see this for someone else to listen, for someone else to believe in me.

relationships are weird - rough around the edges and as you go deeper into it, it begins to soften and starts to fit every curvature of your soul as you fall deeper and deeper. But i feel like i've fallen so deep that its practically engulf every part of my being . Woah, sounds way to dramatic.

"how about forever?"

i never have thought that through my years of dating i'd endure so much where i feel my luster has been dulled down to the point where its nothing but metal. I mean, i'm okay with going through every step and every problem- but there's not solution, there hasn't been a solution since it all started falling apart.

Ignoring problems, yelling, low blows and such are just one of the many reasons i'm just torn and tattered.

I feel like i've changed so much of myself that i don't even know what i'm doing anymore or who i am anymore .

I've been in this for so long, and i never thought that i'd lost every part of me- the things i liked changed, the way i dressed changed and even the way i spoke and handled things. I've come to notice that although i did gain new experiences and opportunities, i feel like i lost so much also . I was always there, every step in every way to be that leaning shoulder, to be that person, to be THAT girl. I wanted to be that girl.

Maybe sometimes, i don't want to be that girl anymore. I just want me- i want me back, and i want someone to adore me and love me as much as their hearts can handle. I dont want to change myself anymore and be someone like i'm not, especially like buy a 350z and then fuck it up- good job, idiot.

but i want happiness- life is too short to have nothing but happiness. Through this, i pray and hope that i find myself & find someone that truly does fit me. God, fill this void and make me whole.


last night was the first night i felt safe. thanks for being "next" to me .


infinite Xs and 0Hs,
abril .