numero diez y ocho. EASTER ed.

Thank you Jesus--


for my life. for my hardships. for everything. Lord, you are truly amazing and I am glad that you are consistently in my life and always staying close to me through many ways. The times i'm happy, you always bring it up a notch and the times i'm sad you always somehow surround with the best of people and keep me close when i'm lonely. Lord, i know tha for this lenten season, i barely gave anything up and the amount of trials and tribulations i went through cannot compare for what youve done for me, for us- all of us. So i thank you Lord, for everything in the past, in the present and i thank you ahead of time for the future.

Lord. I especially thank you for the loveliest blessings in my life- the presence of beautiful weather, the presence of friendship and of course the presence of love.

I pray Lord that the blessings may be shared among everyone. =)


infiniteEXsand0Hs,Publish Post
april.


ps. i know you have something better for me =)

term paper madness.

aprildawn (12:36:46 AM): you're not here.

dontyouwannaknow(12:36:56 AM): i'm right here babygirl.

numero diez y siete

Chance

what would happen if given the chance
one way to find out is for us to dance
the moment of truth when we finally see
if me and you are really meant to be

a test will be needed to make it certain
is it truly real or am i just smitten
with your brown eyes that shine like no other
makes me want to kiss you in any weather

these lines within shall say what is felt
but cannot reveal how the heart would melt
words aren't enough to show how i feel
to love a girl like you who makes me real


"Dreams, Choices, and Truth"

dreams are thoughts from deep within,
who knows no good or no sin.
shall i lay my head now or later?
for my heart will beat now and forever.

our rhymes and thoughts will intertwine,
the choices we make shall be divine.
my path is here and yours is there,
time shall pass with no despair.

a man shall have his hope and pride,
but beware of what he cannot hide.
his thoughts can be pure as gold,
yet the mind may fool what is told.



thanks carl maandal for the poems you wrote =)

numero diez y seis

i need someone to hold me right now. I need you G0d. help me.

numero quince .

so many nights you lay awake, he don't know how your heart aches

numero catorce .

i hope you know that its going to take more than just money & your presence to let me let go of all the hurtful times.

honestly, i hope you "die in order for your soul to breathe".

i hope you realize that maybe i was the one for you , or is.


i just hope i can start smiling more often.


i hope that everything turns out alright .

numero trece .

i'm feeling really yucky & i have a hug exam tomorrow, yet i'm on my blogger. So this will be quick...

So its only a few more days until i see him. It scaring me. Honestly, me becoming all apprehensive along with the fact that i am sick, make me even worse.

I just want to have this underlying faith that everything will be okay & i will be fine & that everything will fall back to place.


Dear Lord,.
I thank you for all the trials and tribulations that have brought me closer to you. I know that i don't say this much but I love you & put my faith all in you- i know that everything wil lturn out the way that its supposed to, but i'm scared that i will not be happy with it- but you know me oh-so well and you know whats best for me better than myself. I love you.
"Live inside my heart, please stay for always; 'til that timeless place- when we're face to face- and we embrace for always"

infinite x's and OH's,
april

numero doce .

but the crazy part is, i still feel really really lonely .

Lord- Hold me close.

numero once [deux] .

But maybe. just maybe. days weren't so bad. When i'm by myself, i feel like the world is against me, but at other times, late late at night, i don't feel so lonely. Maybe its one of those miracles. Maybe its one of those things. But maybe God is watching over me with a new blessing everyday. Although i saw my heart dangling right before my eyes- all bruised and held with some tape, day after another day...its seems to be slowly restoring. Piece by piece i'm starting to remember my carefree days- the things that i loved very dearly and the things i was passionate about slowly but surely coming back with crazy glue & nike shoe laces. I feel like its almost molding into a new & better shape, even better than a heart like a giraffe, a jimmy chu flat or even a sneaker- i just want to feel new & have the same luster i've had before . I'm beginning to control the sad emotions internally & put myself in a state where all i want to do is live- live well. It sounds really dumb, but i feel like the soundtrack of my life is starting to take on a different rotation with all these crazybeautiful tracks but line by line, verse by verse- i'm slowly coming together.
Yes, i am very confused, Yes, i don't know what to do with myself and yes, i'm so emotionally exhausted, but, there's a tiny part of me that is still willing to love, love my Lord, love thyself and love someone else unconditionally- allowing someone to get to know me the way i am supposed to be & not want to change any of it. In my heart, it has its room for forgiveness among other things & lately, thanks yous and apologies have been happening, & i feel like its almost okay to breathe again. like its almost okay to smile . maybe, it'll take it from here.

numero once.

trey songz- missin' you .



[shirt_less]

so yes, i'm still sort of in that "i miss you, why did you leave me" phase. But i stopped calling & started to let myself go. Started to do all the listen to ultra emo love songs, spend days lying down doing absolutely nothing and etc etc etc. But seriously, i couldn't even actually take the days off because of nursing & after the breakup a 72 also was a consequence. So i feel like lately i've just been dead. Really just floating and had no real feeling in my heart; numb i guess you can say. He says its not a break; he doesn't believe in breaks so we break up and he's the one that's literally dangling my heart in my face. I feel like i'm watching myself dwindle- dwindle into something that i can't get myself out of. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL. i'm not zoila nelson, i'm not her. You don't just break someone's heart and then be jolly at the the fact that we're going to get back togther. I feel like a TOOL. a big fat tool. how does anyone do that? How do people put love on hold. say, " hold on, you're pissing me off. so lets date others..and then we'll get back ". I don't feel worth it. You know why ? because he acts like we'll get back together. That he does not need to change and that he knows that he has it in the bag. He doesn't treat me like i'm precious & for once, i finally understand that he rests on the fact that i will always be there. He loves me because i'm there, not because he'd be lost without me. He fails to realize that he doesn't even know the amount of my heart that i've put in this relationship. He's freebied his way through his life, and i feel like i'm not worth much. I don't think i've wasted any part of my love on him, but i feel like i am the waste of time . Its been about weeks since the breakup & i'm still tearing at night & i still lie on the floor listening to those emo songs.