goodbye 20.

so its about 20- something minutes prior to my 21st & im kinda scared. I want to say "thank you 20 for everything youve given me- for the happy times, the sad times, the hard times & everything in between"

i hope that turning 21 helps me get through all the things i go through. I hope that turning 21 will turn out for the best- resulting in making my parents proud, making my friends proud and of course, My LORD proud.

LORD,
I thank for letting me live such an amazing life for the past 20 years. Thank you for breathing life into me and getting my through the hard times as well as celebrating with me for the happy times. You are such an inspiration to me & im so glad that YOU still hold me tight. I know that right now you're testing me through this difficult time, but i hope that you know that i will succeed and hope that you stay with me throughout this entire time. Thank you for being my shelter, my hope, my love, my heart & when i've gone astray, i thank you for letting me run back to you.

I hope that I have made you proud as your daughter, dad & mom. I hope that you two still love me as much as you did when i was born. I hope that my struggles and my heartaches have never affected you in ways that it has affected me. Yes mommy & daddy, i miss you two very much and i love you for all that youve done for me- including giving me the best possible life that you two can give me. I forgive you for all the times you've hurt me & forgive me for all the times ive hurt you. Words cannot fathom how much i owe you, but know that your baby will always be your strength, i promise you will not be disappointed when i'm done with buffalo. i love you, please forgive, i forgive you.

to my bests: elaine, julia & glenn. i love all three of you.. no matter how gay and faggety you guys are. I love you for everything youve done for me- for keeping my secrets, getting me through this weird place & just being there to call & talk to. I know i've not spoken to you guys very much recently- but know that my heart is all yours [ for the keeping] i love all of you & wouldn't have it any other way. please forgive me, i forgive you, i love you.

buffalonians:gisun,blanca,taylor: im so glad we stay close & have gotten closer through our lunches, dinners and our starbucking. i love you guys so much & i hope you know that your friendship means alot to me. You guys are amazing & i hope we stay close for a long time. Im gonna miss you taylor and hope you get that job here in buffalo to pay for my PHO. gisun you're my sunny & i want to tell you that i love you and will always be there. Blanca- ikaw naman. maraming maraming nang salamat- you honestly are my backbone. without you i'd go nuts; thank you for staying by my side always.

EQUADORAINSmilton&jess- my brother and sister from a different mister. thank you for letting me show my choreographin' skills & for always supporting me. Im so glad that i can stay close with the both of you even with hectic schedules. you're amazing.

NURSINGanais,liz,shaunda,alicia,crystal,jena,amanda,adam, kaye, carrie& jim. you guys are simply beautiful in all ways possible. thank you for the hugs & the kisses when i was going through my roughest time this semester. Thank you for the smiles & the wonderful greetings every morning. Thanks for the rides to clinical & thank you for just keeping me sane. i love you all.

MIASjess&alysha. hey slut bags. youre always MIA, but know that i love you dearly & i miss you so much. im glad you guys are still keeping in contacting with me & im glad you guys are both happy. miss you alot guys.


PMD. thank you for being simply perfect. i love you in all ways possible & i hope that everything just keeps getting better & better. oh, i see the light.


in my heart, it has its space for its forgiveness. I hope that one day, you'll realize that.



Lord, thank you. i love you so much..


so its 11:53pm... 7 minutes until im 21... goodbye 20... hello, new life.



forever yours,

april dawn

chaotic

im turing 21 in leass than a week. Tell me why i've been falling apart then. This emester has been nothing but trial after rejection after heartache after disappointment & all i can say is, " please just help me get through this safely".

The semester has brought me through the inevitable breaku, which to let you know, i still terrorize myself for and still also blame myself for.

The rejection of the the internships- omg, i've never felt more inadequate for the rest of my life. My life is already been set and yet, i don't feel like i'm up to par with what i should be doing.

my grades have been all mediocre. I know i'll pass, but what ever happened to the succeeding april? the one who will study like no tomorrow because her life DOES DEPEND ON IT.

im going home next week on a attempt to regain myself. my 21st. the legal age. The one age that to be honest, i'm not looking forward to for the drinking. I don't even look 21, i still look like i'm in hs.

i feel so discombobulated & frustrated with myself. Yesterday, since i had a day off, i just walked around alot and thought alot to myself about what is going to happen to me if i don't get with it- but is there anytime left?

I believe in so many people to do their greatest because if they don't they'll never full enjoy life. Im still sitting here, blogging, trying to figure out how to unleash that greatest again.

ive danced, and sang and partied recently- but still, nothing means more to me than just doing well in this school, in my life.

im scared guys, i really am.

Dear Lord,
i want to go back to the heart of worship.

amen.

my birthday is coming up and all i want is for everything to go right.

amen.

wanna break down and cry

Dear God.


Im staying close to you .


april