" the best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. they must be felt with the heart"
My friend Ryan will be sent to Afghanistan in a few days as a combat medic.
My goddaughter Jennifer has thyroid papillary cancer.
My friend David is not in boot camp in preparation for the marines.
My parents are still not getting along.
I need more xanax.
I miss my best friends.
I want a sugar glider.
Katrina's party was fun fun fun [ boop].
2 more weeks until this program is over.
About 5 more weeks until school begins.
beach.
Sunday, July 20
Wednesday, July 16
333213
so today at work, i did the usual AM care and the usual check ups on all the patients that my preceptor and I were assigned to. Oen of the nurses asked me to do vitals on 2 patients because he was kinda getting backed up. Thats where i met 333213.
333213 came from Poland and has a history full of horrible memories from Auschwitz. I spent alot of time with him due to some medical reasons and he told me stories about the creamatories, the hidden ungergrounds, the shooting and killing and all that. He told me about his family. About being friends with Pope John Paul II, and Maximillion. But everytime he had a heart felt moment he kept tapping his chest- his barrel chest. He had what people called a "pigeon chest". He didn't want to cry in front of me, but he wanted to show his emotions through the tapping. I held alot of my tears in, I held myself in- not because it didn't hit me, but because i didn't want him to cry since he was already in alot of pain. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to be strong for him.
I don't think i could ever forget the stories of 333213 or Michael. I don't think i could ever forget the blue eyes and how he told me he missed me when i was away for my lunch. I don't think i could forget the smile he had when i was there, and how i was his sunshine at 715 in the morning.
april : if you could have 3 wishes what would they be?
michael: to just be healthy. and live my life.
april dawn.
333213 came from Poland and has a history full of horrible memories from Auschwitz. I spent alot of time with him due to some medical reasons and he told me stories about the creamatories, the hidden ungergrounds, the shooting and killing and all that. He told me about his family. About being friends with Pope John Paul II, and Maximillion. But everytime he had a heart felt moment he kept tapping his chest- his barrel chest. He had what people called a "pigeon chest". He didn't want to cry in front of me, but he wanted to show his emotions through the tapping. I held alot of my tears in, I held myself in- not because it didn't hit me, but because i didn't want him to cry since he was already in alot of pain. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to be strong for him.
I don't think i could ever forget the stories of 333213 or Michael. I don't think i could ever forget the blue eyes and how he told me he missed me when i was away for my lunch. I don't think i could forget the smile he had when i was there, and how i was his sunshine at 715 in the morning.
april : if you could have 3 wishes what would they be?
michael: to just be healthy. and live my life.
april dawn.
Tuesday, July 15
eugene.
Dear Eugene,
Its kind of awkward writing to you especially when i know you can't read this. Or maybe? [ i hope you can]
I may get in trouble for writing this letter to you, but i don't care. Its been about a year a few months since your death & i can honestly say that i think about you from time to time. Think about you and glenn visiting me and rescuing me from that wreched time during my sophomore year.
I want to tell you im sorry for not giving you the chance you truly did deserve. I guess i was in too deep for someone to notice that someone saw me for me and didn't care about the brands and what i looked like, but cared for what i already was. You were smart and funny and you rescued me. You drove up with glenn 6 hours up and 6 hours down just to stop my tears- just to stop the hurting, stop them- stop time--- just for me.
I tell your story to the people that i'm close with and the people i meet. I tell them about your story with me- our short but savouring story of puppy love & simplistic values. I remember the gentleman that helped me cross the streets in canada & the gerberas at my first academic/engineering ball. I remember our conversations at my cafeteria and the constantly mocking of me watching ugly betty and greys. I remember the drive down- and the words, " i may not be the best looking guy in the world but if i can have the chance to be there for her- i will"
I wanted to give you your chance that night. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I called at midnight- right when you told me that you would call after your shift. I called Eugene. I really did. I wanted to hang out with you and get to know my best friend's best friend. I'm sorry i never made it to your funeral or wake. Im sorry i havent visited your grave- but know that i did call. I did make that phone call and i left messages on your voicemail. I did, i wanted to know you. I still want to know you.
Thank you for being my hero.
So i ask [please take care of me and glenn] help us to just get over ourselves and tell him to forigve me please. Lord, help me.
Forever&always,
april.dawn.
Its kind of awkward writing to you especially when i know you can't read this. Or maybe? [ i hope you can]
I may get in trouble for writing this letter to you, but i don't care. Its been about a year a few months since your death & i can honestly say that i think about you from time to time. Think about you and glenn visiting me and rescuing me from that wreched time during my sophomore year.
I want to tell you im sorry for not giving you the chance you truly did deserve. I guess i was in too deep for someone to notice that someone saw me for me and didn't care about the brands and what i looked like, but cared for what i already was. You were smart and funny and you rescued me. You drove up with glenn 6 hours up and 6 hours down just to stop my tears- just to stop the hurting, stop them- stop time--- just for me.
I tell your story to the people that i'm close with and the people i meet. I tell them about your story with me- our short but savouring story of puppy love & simplistic values. I remember the gentleman that helped me cross the streets in canada & the gerberas at my first academic/engineering ball. I remember our conversations at my cafeteria and the constantly mocking of me watching ugly betty and greys. I remember the drive down- and the words, " i may not be the best looking guy in the world but if i can have the chance to be there for her- i will"
I wanted to give you your chance that night. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I called at midnight- right when you told me that you would call after your shift. I called Eugene. I really did. I wanted to hang out with you and get to know my best friend's best friend. I'm sorry i never made it to your funeral or wake. Im sorry i havent visited your grave- but know that i did call. I did make that phone call and i left messages on your voicemail. I did, i wanted to know you. I still want to know you.
Thank you for being my hero.
So i ask [please take care of me and glenn] help us to just get over ourselves and tell him to forigve me please. Lord, help me.
Forever&always,
april.dawn.
Thursday, July 10
lets take this into consideration...
as i sit in the living room belonging to new jersey, i cant help but finally be happy at the fact that i am using a computer that will not freeze on me.
ive made so many mistakes in my life & everyday i try my hardest to not regret them. Its to the point where i can actually sit in my room on my days off contemplating EXACTLY what i did or did not do wrong. Some things im not really sure if i am at fault or not & at other aspects, i know i royally fucked up.
Some people can't forgive. I, for one, am one of them. Well not entirely. I think it depends. I dont know the things i did wrong in my prayer group, in buffalo, in staten island... everywhere. but i cant get them to forgive me, and i cant me to forgive myself.
i am now taking celexa and xanax and to control myself. to control the emotions, to control the anxiety, to control my life. it hurts. well, not tooo much anymore. i kinda just feel numb. to everything.
but atleast work is going alright. & im losing weight- in some twisted, " i only eat pinkberry" diet way.
im trying, but im still aching.
G0d, i need YOU.
ive made so many mistakes in my life & everyday i try my hardest to not regret them. Its to the point where i can actually sit in my room on my days off contemplating EXACTLY what i did or did not do wrong. Some things im not really sure if i am at fault or not & at other aspects, i know i royally fucked up.
Some people can't forgive. I, for one, am one of them. Well not entirely. I think it depends. I dont know the things i did wrong in my prayer group, in buffalo, in staten island... everywhere. but i cant get them to forgive me, and i cant me to forgive myself.
i am now taking celexa and xanax and to control myself. to control the emotions, to control the anxiety, to control my life. it hurts. well, not tooo much anymore. i kinda just feel numb. to everything.
but atleast work is going alright. & im losing weight- in some twisted, " i only eat pinkberry" diet way.
im trying, but im still aching.
G0d, i need YOU.
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