i really miss home. i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
sighh.
Tuesday, August 26
purple pants.
its only tuesday & im very overwhelmed. about 4 5pg worksheets due this week, labs galore then straight to clinical, papers to write & now i just feel even more homesick. Lucky, i do have a few friends to count on here in buffalo. That's the thing- before i had alot of friends, and then now i just have a few- but the few always count, right?
henry and i had this long walk and talk around campus sunday morning where i just told him the overwhelmingness & the anxiety i felt about being myself, and being left out. For me its hard to say, " fuck you" or " i don't care" to people that i used to be close with. I shared my life with them, and i feel like my life has been stomped on. But that's what im trying to learn to not care for the ones that only either want to use me, abuse me or hurt me. I'm tired of all the childish crap & i'm tired of saving their asses when in need.
I started to fill my empty walls with posters & stuff, and even got a free poster for being nice to the poster salesboys for giving them towels when it rained on sunday. I put my favorite van gogh photo up and another photo that i don't know the name of the artist it was made by. But all i know is that i wanted no more depressing walls & fill my room as my comfort zone. I put this wall decal up too since i can't paint my walls orange or something. Plus, i finally got a curtain rod that worked so i now have a curtain.
I got to spend time with jessica and saw milton for a few but played rockband for about 3 hrs straight. The next day i saw alysha & jessica. Alysha helped make my room more at home & jessica and i were able to have our usual HE DID WHAT WITH WHAT sex talks. One of the most relaxing things was riding on Tony [her boyfriend and my friends] motorcycle. I loved it- it felt exhilarating- almost like i was finally letting loose. Letting go is something that i must work on but feeling the need for speed was a blessing.
When i come back to the apartment, i thought of all summer. The internship, the quarrels, the fun times, the loved times, those times, THOSE times, and him. I miss you. I miss you so much & i want you here. I miss your touch & the way you make me laugh. The way you make me smile when i was so sad & the way you always tried and in my eyes, NEVER FAILED. i know i may have given you a large dose of me, but i hope you know that you can give me all of you-- i can handle it. i promise.
outside, im rockin' my purple pants. inside, i need someone to help with the glue process.
Lord,
its funny how youre always there when i feel like you're not. I love you for putting me through these trials. They have to lead to something? I'll get through all this with you. Just please, help me stop crying. Help me to realize im not alone. I feel it so much, i feel the loneliness all the time. Help me get through this. please. im scared.
Amen.
.love,
me.
henry and i had this long walk and talk around campus sunday morning where i just told him the overwhelmingness & the anxiety i felt about being myself, and being left out. For me its hard to say, " fuck you" or " i don't care" to people that i used to be close with. I shared my life with them, and i feel like my life has been stomped on. But that's what im trying to learn to not care for the ones that only either want to use me, abuse me or hurt me. I'm tired of all the childish crap & i'm tired of saving their asses when in need.
I started to fill my empty walls with posters & stuff, and even got a free poster for being nice to the poster salesboys for giving them towels when it rained on sunday. I put my favorite van gogh photo up and another photo that i don't know the name of the artist it was made by. But all i know is that i wanted no more depressing walls & fill my room as my comfort zone. I put this wall decal up too since i can't paint my walls orange or something. Plus, i finally got a curtain rod that worked so i now have a curtain.
I got to spend time with jessica and saw milton for a few but played rockband for about 3 hrs straight. The next day i saw alysha & jessica. Alysha helped make my room more at home & jessica and i were able to have our usual HE DID WHAT WITH WHAT sex talks. One of the most relaxing things was riding on Tony [her boyfriend and my friends] motorcycle. I loved it- it felt exhilarating- almost like i was finally letting loose. Letting go is something that i must work on but feeling the need for speed was a blessing.
When i come back to the apartment, i thought of all summer. The internship, the quarrels, the fun times, the loved times, those times, THOSE times, and him. I miss you. I miss you so much & i want you here. I miss your touch & the way you make me laugh. The way you make me smile when i was so sad & the way you always tried and in my eyes, NEVER FAILED. i know i may have given you a large dose of me, but i hope you know that you can give me all of you-- i can handle it. i promise.
outside, im rockin' my purple pants. inside, i need someone to help with the glue process.
Lord,
its funny how youre always there when i feel like you're not. I love you for putting me through these trials. They have to lead to something? I'll get through all this with you. Just please, help me stop crying. Help me to realize im not alone. I feel it so much, i feel the loneliness all the time. Help me get through this. please. im scared.
Amen.
.love,
me.
Saturday, August 23
its not helping.
nothing is helping. im helpless. im nervousanxiousscaredfrightenedweirdedoutsick..everything.
safe to say, im back in buffalo again. alone. no one is in my apartment. no one called to hang. im alone. yes it is the 1st day, but to be honest- for my 1st day back i didn't think id be seeing them so soon.
right now.. im re thinking, re evaluating, re-EVERYTHING. school, friends, myself, family, loves. im falling apart. i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling overwhelemed. i can't stop it. and im alone.
i literally threw almost everything out in my room. i threw clothes, notebooks, shoes, journals, photos, gitz and gadgets.i was cleaning and cleaning and i didn't know why, cos im looking at it right now & im still all cluttered with all these blank white walls.
i don't want to call anyone cos i don't want to bother anyone. but really. i feel alone & i want to be held.
Dear Lord,
Ive been taught by you that you won't give me anything i can't handle. Im trying really hard with everything you give me. Lord, you can give me any trial- but i just ask you Lord to just ease the loneliness, to ease the overwhelmingness, to have the tears be wiped away. I love you.
.me,
safe to say, im back in buffalo again. alone. no one is in my apartment. no one called to hang. im alone. yes it is the 1st day, but to be honest- for my 1st day back i didn't think id be seeing them so soon.
right now.. im re thinking, re evaluating, re-EVERYTHING. school, friends, myself, family, loves. im falling apart. i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling overwhelemed. i can't stop it. and im alone.
i literally threw almost everything out in my room. i threw clothes, notebooks, shoes, journals, photos, gitz and gadgets.i was cleaning and cleaning and i didn't know why, cos im looking at it right now & im still all cluttered with all these blank white walls.
i don't want to call anyone cos i don't want to bother anyone. but really. i feel alone & i want to be held.
Dear Lord,
Ive been taught by you that you won't give me anything i can't handle. Im trying really hard with everything you give me. Lord, you can give me any trial- but i just ask you Lord to just ease the loneliness, to ease the overwhelmingness, to have the tears be wiped away. I love you.
.me,
Friday, August 15
yay for turtles.
its hard to imagine that in exactly one week i'll be back in buffalo. All the anxiety just came back, and honestly- i'm so nervous. Its my final year & i'm glad, but sometimes i wish that i put myself more out there and just learned how to be more resilient in my own personal matters.
whats harder are the things i'm leaving here in staten island. Im gonna miss my parents, my friends, and loved ones, and all the in betweens too. this summer has been a relaxing one. Yes i worked all summer, but i feel that ive been just recooperating and refreshing myself in order to prepare myself for the lonely days in buffalo.
im scared. ive been scared since the beginning of summer. I can't let my guard down because im too vulnerable. There are days when i don't even know why im sad, but i feel this heavy burden on my shoulders constantly. Yes, ive been taking the pills to help myself, but in all honestly-- they just numb my pain, supress it until it hits harder than prior. I push so many people away because i don't want anyone to endure what i went through & what im going through. I am protecting them thats all. Whats worse- i don't want to be alone going through all of this- but i don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore, and i don't want people to go down with me. I willingly went down with someone & i still am going through the after affects. I can't run away from the people that make me sad because if i cant help them, than who will ?
I called turtlicious last night. Although our conversation consisted mostly of catching up, i felt better. I didn't feel so alone last night. I told him some brief stories & a small update of whats been going on, but it wasnt the fact that he had something to say that made me feel a little better- it was the fact that he just picked up. With a busy schedule, we don't talk much, but last night- he picked up. He listened. He spoke. & i, felt better. I can't say that im happy again, but i feel that he helped through this healing process im going through. [quote " april, im here for you & i haven't forgotten about you."]
I'm not searching for answers or solutions- what is done is done. Im looking for someone to just say " everything is going to be okay" & " its hard, but you'll pull through" .. maybe im not listening, maybe youre not talking loud enough.. but a warm embrace- or just something that would help stop the loneliness would just be a really big help.
maybe im just confused. My whole life has been one dictation after the next & ive rebeled in so many ways possible. Now that things are different- i don't know how to... walk, strut, smile... anything really. I just am lost.
Wanna know something? Im still hurting from the past & everyday its killing me a little more each day.
im SOSing.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
whats harder are the things i'm leaving here in staten island. Im gonna miss my parents, my friends, and loved ones, and all the in betweens too. this summer has been a relaxing one. Yes i worked all summer, but i feel that ive been just recooperating and refreshing myself in order to prepare myself for the lonely days in buffalo.
im scared. ive been scared since the beginning of summer. I can't let my guard down because im too vulnerable. There are days when i don't even know why im sad, but i feel this heavy burden on my shoulders constantly. Yes, ive been taking the pills to help myself, but in all honestly-- they just numb my pain, supress it until it hits harder than prior. I push so many people away because i don't want anyone to endure what i went through & what im going through. I am protecting them thats all. Whats worse- i don't want to be alone going through all of this- but i don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore, and i don't want people to go down with me. I willingly went down with someone & i still am going through the after affects. I can't run away from the people that make me sad because if i cant help them, than who will ?
I called turtlicious last night. Although our conversation consisted mostly of catching up, i felt better. I didn't feel so alone last night. I told him some brief stories & a small update of whats been going on, but it wasnt the fact that he had something to say that made me feel a little better- it was the fact that he just picked up. With a busy schedule, we don't talk much, but last night- he picked up. He listened. He spoke. & i, felt better. I can't say that im happy again, but i feel that he helped through this healing process im going through. [quote " april, im here for you & i haven't forgotten about you."]
I'm not searching for answers or solutions- what is done is done. Im looking for someone to just say " everything is going to be okay" & " its hard, but you'll pull through" .. maybe im not listening, maybe youre not talking loud enough.. but a warm embrace- or just something that would help stop the loneliness would just be a really big help.
maybe im just confused. My whole life has been one dictation after the next & ive rebeled in so many ways possible. Now that things are different- i don't know how to... walk, strut, smile... anything really. I just am lost.
Wanna know something? Im still hurting from the past & everyday its killing me a little more each day.
im SOSing.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
Sunday, August 10
public announcement.
I wonder. I really do. How BAD of a friend I am? To let so many drift away, to the point were sarcastic remarks is what fills an empty conversation when we haven't seen eachother in a long time. Ive fallen short in many friendships & i know that i hold it against myself. So i'm gonna say & forevermore will say- i am sorry.
+ we used to talk so much. You're the only boy i ever slept over for the YLSS. Even when taking SE, we still were distant & we hardly talk either. I'm sorry.
+ We're BSB. We lost contact. We found eachother in Manhattan. You're in Penn State & i'm in Buffalo. I miss you & hope that you're doing alright.
+ We've both got internships this summer. I love you so much & thank God that when we talk, its like we've never lost touch. I am sorry for always rescheduling. Gosh, you worked in staten island and I in manhattan and we still managed to not find time for eachother. You always have a spot in the house. I'll always be there for you no matter what. I love you, you stinker. Ohh, i'm gonna be packing soon- you gotta help me pack, bffle.
+ you're in the MARINES! ugh, i haven't seen you in so long & i'm sorry that we lost touch & when we did make efforts to call, we just fought. I hope you come home soon.
+ ever since we got separate boyfriends, we've grown more and more distant to the point where our conversations are so superficial. Now we barely speak. Im sorry.
+ I hope you realize that i'm forever grateful for you. But ever since WE happened, you became distant. I get so angry that sometimes you leave me out of the loop. You're supposed to be one of my best friends, and yet all summer you've been distant. Just because of WE doesn't CHANGE nothing between me and you. You've been like my life saver throughout the school year & you're always there. I hope you know that i am always there with open arms. As much as i rant to you, you can 6970667539x rant to me too. Don't forget that, gangster.
+ sometimes you make me so mad. You forget the friends that are always there & yet you always have a tendency to just find "friends" to gain what? popularity. I hope you know. I do, sincerely, call you one of my closest and best friends. Too bad you never realized it. For once, put down the camera and take a snap shot of your "abandoned" friends.
+ Thank you for always being "the holy" one. I'm sorry if we're distant too, but thank you so much for always letting me give me advice when i need it the most. When i'm lost, you find me. Thanks "mom".
im sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
+ we used to talk so much. You're the only boy i ever slept over for the YLSS. Even when taking SE, we still were distant & we hardly talk either. I'm sorry.
+ We're BSB. We lost contact. We found eachother in Manhattan. You're in Penn State & i'm in Buffalo. I miss you & hope that you're doing alright.
+ We've both got internships this summer. I love you so much & thank God that when we talk, its like we've never lost touch. I am sorry for always rescheduling. Gosh, you worked in staten island and I in manhattan and we still managed to not find time for eachother. You always have a spot in the house. I'll always be there for you no matter what. I love you, you stinker. Ohh, i'm gonna be packing soon- you gotta help me pack, bffle.
+ you're in the MARINES! ugh, i haven't seen you in so long & i'm sorry that we lost touch & when we did make efforts to call, we just fought. I hope you come home soon.
+ ever since we got separate boyfriends, we've grown more and more distant to the point where our conversations are so superficial. Now we barely speak. Im sorry.
+ I hope you realize that i'm forever grateful for you. But ever since WE happened, you became distant. I get so angry that sometimes you leave me out of the loop. You're supposed to be one of my best friends, and yet all summer you've been distant. Just because of WE doesn't CHANGE nothing between me and you. You've been like my life saver throughout the school year & you're always there. I hope you know that i am always there with open arms. As much as i rant to you, you can 6970667539x rant to me too. Don't forget that, gangster.
+ sometimes you make me so mad. You forget the friends that are always there & yet you always have a tendency to just find "friends" to gain what? popularity. I hope you know. I do, sincerely, call you one of my closest and best friends. Too bad you never realized it. For once, put down the camera and take a snap shot of your "abandoned" friends.
+ Thank you for always being "the holy" one. I'm sorry if we're distant too, but thank you so much for always letting me give me advice when i need it the most. When i'm lost, you find me. Thanks "mom".
im sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
Friday, August 8
defense mechanism.
kinda sad to say but i think i get too defensive easily. My mom and dad barks and i bite so hard its not even funny. My sister had a baby this morning, and my dad, of course filled with joy & my mother still filled with stress from the night before, wanted to go right away to new york hospital in queens. One thing though, I KNOW for a fact my sister did not want to see them- she just fackin' had a baby & wants to recover.
Yes, i do have plans for today. Haircut, longbranch, BLD- but that wasn't my reason for yelling at my mother. I know my sister too well- its bad enough that i had to hear all the horrible truths about my sister's past with the family, but i know this is sort of my sister's vendetta for the things my father did to her when she was a kid [ the whole beating and strictness crap]. Its obvious that my sister favors Percy's parents over her own & chooses to only see my dad on a once in a few month basis. I wouldn't say my sister is entirely wrong with the whole grudge thing, but i also know that the way she is going about it is wrong.
My brother had 2 children + one more on the way, but they're all the way in the Philippines. So my dad can't see them often, or even sometimes-- but when they're here he is happy. My brother knows about this entire thing, since we talk through text messaging all the time. He knows how frustrated i get with the present because i never knew the past behind it.
My sister is taking advantage of my dad. Knowing that he would spend all the money in the world THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE on his grand kids, she asks for the more expensive things for herself as well as Cat and soon Rion. My sister needs some serious attitude checking and just let my dad see his grand kids.
She needs to forget her past and just forgive- the RIGHT way. I try really hard to be my own person, but i always looked up to her. Although people call her cold and selfish, the way she influenced my life growing up cannot be touched by anyone- not even my parents. People are right, I am like my sister more and more everyday. My work ethics, the way i treat my relationships & friends, the way i treat my parents, and the way that i hold grudges so deep that it starts to define who i am.
I love my mother & father for always staying definitive in my life. For understanding the way i mold myself and for helping me realize that its okay to be your own person & that i too, can be the golden child. To my mother i am her own child- and i know that i hurt her too much when i bark & yell at her. I am my mother's golden child, & i'm here to make her proud. I've grown to just be defensive because i don't think they know, but i let people walk all over me and define who i am ALL THE TIME. Only if they knew how my relationships truly were, and if they only knew how Buffalo has made me die a little more each day. If they only knew the pressure that was on my heart when Mark died, and the day that my heart broke into a million pieces when Eugene died and Glenn crumbled. If they only knew how i struggled to save Jayar and how he didn't save me. If they only knew how Buffalo killed my spirit by losing a majority of my friends because of stupidity. How BLD has more chased me away than brought me closer to God. How i blame myself everyday for faults that aren't even my own. I don't want to show any of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I dont want to show them that i am the problem child, my sister fulfilled that role. But i can tell you that i just want my parents to be proud that I survived all that & so much more. I want them to realize that I get defensive because I'm scared to let loose- to let people in again. I love them to death- but this tough facade is something that helps me get through my day. I hope that they both realize, especially my mother, that i do everything with my heart & my soul..and that's why i'm so prone to getting hurt... & now i'm tired of it.
I hope my dad & mom know that they don't need to worry when i get married and have kids. They can see them whenever they want. As long as my dad takes care of his health & my mother doesn't kill him. My dad will be the LOLO that he wants to be for Catalina, Rion, Jeboy, & Luis + baby number tres. & my mother will see herself in my child, because i will raise her/ him like my mother raised me.. with lots of love, hugs, picture taking & friend chicken.
i love you mom & dad, don't forget that.
Yes, i do have plans for today. Haircut, longbranch, BLD- but that wasn't my reason for yelling at my mother. I know my sister too well- its bad enough that i had to hear all the horrible truths about my sister's past with the family, but i know this is sort of my sister's vendetta for the things my father did to her when she was a kid [ the whole beating and strictness crap]. Its obvious that my sister favors Percy's parents over her own & chooses to only see my dad on a once in a few month basis. I wouldn't say my sister is entirely wrong with the whole grudge thing, but i also know that the way she is going about it is wrong.
My brother had 2 children + one more on the way, but they're all the way in the Philippines. So my dad can't see them often, or even sometimes-- but when they're here he is happy. My brother knows about this entire thing, since we talk through text messaging all the time. He knows how frustrated i get with the present because i never knew the past behind it.
My sister is taking advantage of my dad. Knowing that he would spend all the money in the world THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE on his grand kids, she asks for the more expensive things for herself as well as Cat and soon Rion. My sister needs some serious attitude checking and just let my dad see his grand kids.
She needs to forget her past and just forgive- the RIGHT way. I try really hard to be my own person, but i always looked up to her. Although people call her cold and selfish, the way she influenced my life growing up cannot be touched by anyone- not even my parents. People are right, I am like my sister more and more everyday. My work ethics, the way i treat my relationships & friends, the way i treat my parents, and the way that i hold grudges so deep that it starts to define who i am.
I love my mother & father for always staying definitive in my life. For understanding the way i mold myself and for helping me realize that its okay to be your own person & that i too, can be the golden child. To my mother i am her own child- and i know that i hurt her too much when i bark & yell at her. I am my mother's golden child, & i'm here to make her proud. I've grown to just be defensive because i don't think they know, but i let people walk all over me and define who i am ALL THE TIME. Only if they knew how my relationships truly were, and if they only knew how Buffalo has made me die a little more each day. If they only knew the pressure that was on my heart when Mark died, and the day that my heart broke into a million pieces when Eugene died and Glenn crumbled. If they only knew how i struggled to save Jayar and how he didn't save me. If they only knew how Buffalo killed my spirit by losing a majority of my friends because of stupidity. How BLD has more chased me away than brought me closer to God. How i blame myself everyday for faults that aren't even my own. I don't want to show any of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I dont want to show them that i am the problem child, my sister fulfilled that role. But i can tell you that i just want my parents to be proud that I survived all that & so much more. I want them to realize that I get defensive because I'm scared to let loose- to let people in again. I love them to death- but this tough facade is something that helps me get through my day. I hope that they both realize, especially my mother, that i do everything with my heart & my soul..and that's why i'm so prone to getting hurt... & now i'm tired of it.
I hope my dad & mom know that they don't need to worry when i get married and have kids. They can see them whenever they want. As long as my dad takes care of his health & my mother doesn't kill him. My dad will be the LOLO that he wants to be for Catalina, Rion, Jeboy, & Luis + baby number tres. & my mother will see herself in my child, because i will raise her/ him like my mother raised me.. with lots of love, hugs, picture taking & friend chicken.
i love you mom & dad, don't forget that.
Tuesday, August 5
twilight*
so its been a while since ive written here. Summer days have gone. My internship is over! So i have a few weeks left to enjoy my summer. Have i lost weight? Probably not. Have i studied? yea right.
For the last day the 8th floor threw me and Diana a party to congratulate us for finishing the program. We got a few gifts like a lay, bath and body works stuff and and a giftcard. My preceptor also got me a giftcard which i used already. Ithink im gonna miss her the most. She was awesome. She is such an amazing nurse and she is hilarious. I can't wait to be just like her when i graduate.
This is my final year. SHEEEESSSH. im excited. Scared, but excited. I hope that i do become like her, or maybe even better. Stop letting the shitty shit get to me and breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I think thats what summer has taught me the most. Hello, senior year- my name is april dawn and im here to show you that im so badass that i can kick my own ass.
I didnt go to the beach alot. And i spent most of my time wiping asses and changing beds more than anything. I think that i fell in love with life, and with what it offers me all over again too. I mean, all the things that i went through this summer has just given me a stepping stone to me being something greater. I know i am worth much more than the life im leading.
Im also more thankful for my mother and father even though they drive me nuts sometimes. Its crazy to think that i let other people sway my thoughts of what my family has made me. Maybe i am easily swayed, but im glad i have my parents, especially my mom, to help me be happy with what i have and what im working my ass towards. I may not be able to afford alot of stuff, but im glad that i can rock the shit that i already do have [ ha, im a jackass]
on another note, david has wrote me another again. I miss that guy. I pray that he gets through his training and achieve what his heart truly desires. We started writing eachother about a month ago- and so far the communication has been going well. He'll be back soon so, I hope i can see him soon.
I feel like i've lost myself so much that i don't know who i am anymore. I try and try to search, but i think that the answers will come eventually and that maybe its just time to breathe. Don't worry- they can take the broken dreams, the broken promises, they can take tomorrow and the plans we've made, they can take future that we'll never know- they can take it away, but they'll never have yesterday. Im okay though. I really am. Even if i don't know, just guide me because you know.
For the next few weeks- i just want my memories. Pictures, collages, sunshowers, kisses, love love and more love. I want something sentimental like a ring or a freestyle. I want my last 2 1/2 weeks to be the most amazing part of my summer, even though i think my whole summer was the best part of summer.
sorry for the A.D.D. rantings.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
ps. " don't be afraid, we belong together" i murmured
pps. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. "forever," he agreed
ppps. twilight saga.
pppps. happy birthday gangstar. hope you like the crave case lovin.
For the last day the 8th floor threw me and Diana a party to congratulate us for finishing the program. We got a few gifts like a lay, bath and body works stuff and and a giftcard. My preceptor also got me a giftcard which i used already. Ithink im gonna miss her the most. She was awesome. She is such an amazing nurse and she is hilarious. I can't wait to be just like her when i graduate.
This is my final year. SHEEEESSSH. im excited. Scared, but excited. I hope that i do become like her, or maybe even better. Stop letting the shitty shit get to me and breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I think thats what summer has taught me the most. Hello, senior year- my name is april dawn and im here to show you that im so badass that i can kick my own ass.
I didnt go to the beach alot. And i spent most of my time wiping asses and changing beds more than anything. I think that i fell in love with life, and with what it offers me all over again too. I mean, all the things that i went through this summer has just given me a stepping stone to me being something greater. I know i am worth much more than the life im leading.
Im also more thankful for my mother and father even though they drive me nuts sometimes. Its crazy to think that i let other people sway my thoughts of what my family has made me. Maybe i am easily swayed, but im glad i have my parents, especially my mom, to help me be happy with what i have and what im working my ass towards. I may not be able to afford alot of stuff, but im glad that i can rock the shit that i already do have [ ha, im a jackass]
on another note, david has wrote me another again. I miss that guy. I pray that he gets through his training and achieve what his heart truly desires. We started writing eachother about a month ago- and so far the communication has been going well. He'll be back soon so, I hope i can see him soon.
I feel like i've lost myself so much that i don't know who i am anymore. I try and try to search, but i think that the answers will come eventually and that maybe its just time to breathe. Don't worry- they can take the broken dreams, the broken promises, they can take tomorrow and the plans we've made, they can take future that we'll never know- they can take it away, but they'll never have yesterday. Im okay though. I really am. Even if i don't know, just guide me because you know.
For the next few weeks- i just want my memories. Pictures, collages, sunshowers, kisses, love love and more love. I want something sentimental like a ring or a freestyle. I want my last 2 1/2 weeks to be the most amazing part of my summer, even though i think my whole summer was the best part of summer.
sorry for the A.D.D. rantings.
infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.
ps. " don't be afraid, we belong together" i murmured
pps. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. "forever," he agreed
ppps. twilight saga.
pppps. happy birthday gangstar. hope you like the crave case lovin.
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