defense mechanism.

kinda sad to say but i think i get too defensive easily. My mom and dad barks and i bite so hard its not even funny. My sister had a baby this morning, and my dad, of course filled with joy & my mother still filled with stress from the night before, wanted to go right away to new york hospital in queens. One thing though, I KNOW for a fact my sister did not want to see them- she just fackin' had a baby & wants to recover.

Yes, i do have plans for today. Haircut, longbranch, BLD- but that wasn't my reason for yelling at my mother. I know my sister too well- its bad enough that i had to hear all the horrible truths about my sister's past with the family, but i know this is sort of my sister's vendetta for the things my father did to her when she was a kid [ the whole beating and strictness crap]. Its obvious that my sister favors Percy's parents over her own & chooses to only see my dad on a once in a few month basis. I wouldn't say my sister is entirely wrong with the whole grudge thing, but i also know that the way she is going about it is wrong.

My brother had 2 children + one more on the way, but they're all the way in the Philippines. So my dad can't see them often, or even sometimes-- but when they're here he is happy. My brother knows about this entire thing, since we talk through text messaging all the time. He knows how frustrated i get with the present because i never knew the past behind it.

My sister is taking advantage of my dad. Knowing that he would spend all the money in the world THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE on his grand kids, she asks for the more expensive things for herself as well as Cat and soon Rion. My sister needs some serious attitude checking and just let my dad see his grand kids.

She needs to forget her past and just forgive- the RIGHT way. I try really hard to be my own person, but i always looked up to her. Although people call her cold and selfish, the way she influenced my life growing up cannot be touched by anyone- not even my parents. People are right, I am like my sister more and more everyday. My work ethics, the way i treat my relationships & friends, the way i treat my parents, and the way that i hold grudges so deep that it starts to define who i am.

I love my mother & father for always staying definitive in my life. For understanding the way i mold myself and for helping me realize that its okay to be your own person & that i too, can be the golden child. To my mother i am her own child- and i know that i hurt her too much when i bark & yell at her. I am my mother's golden child, & i'm here to make her proud. I've grown to just be defensive because i don't think they know, but i let people walk all over me and define who i am ALL THE TIME. Only if they knew how my relationships truly were, and if they only knew how Buffalo has made me die a little more each day. If they only knew the pressure that was on my heart when Mark died, and the day that my heart broke into a million pieces when Eugene died and Glenn crumbled. If they only knew how i struggled to save Jayar and how he didn't save me. If they only knew how Buffalo killed my spirit by losing a majority of my friends because of stupidity. How BLD has more chased me away than brought me closer to God. How i blame myself everyday for faults that aren't even my own. I don't want to show any of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it.

I dont want to show them that i am the problem child, my sister fulfilled that role. But i can tell you that i just want my parents to be proud that I survived all that & so much more. I want them to realize that I get defensive because I'm scared to let loose- to let people in again. I love them to death- but this tough facade is something that helps me get through my day. I hope that they both realize, especially my mother, that i do everything with my heart & my soul..and that's why i'm so prone to getting hurt... & now i'm tired of it.

I hope my dad & mom know that they don't need to worry when i get married and have kids. They can see them whenever they want. As long as my dad takes care of his health & my mother doesn't kill him. My dad will be the LOLO that he wants to be for Catalina, Rion, Jeboy, & Luis + baby number tres. & my mother will see herself in my child, because i will raise her/ him like my mother raised me.. with lots of love, hugs, picture taking & friend chicken.

i love you mom & dad, don't forget that.