purple pants.

its only tuesday & im very overwhelmed. about 4 5pg worksheets due this week, labs galore then straight to clinical, papers to write & now i just feel even more homesick. Lucky, i do have a few friends to count on here in buffalo. That's the thing- before i had alot of friends, and then now i just have a few- but the few always count, right?

henry and i had this long walk and talk around campus sunday morning where i just told him the overwhelmingness & the anxiety i felt about being myself, and being left out. For me its hard to say, " fuck you" or " i don't care" to people that i used to be close with. I shared my life with them, and i feel like my life has been stomped on. But that's what im trying to learn to not care for the ones that only either want to use me, abuse me or hurt me. I'm tired of all the childish crap & i'm tired of saving their asses when in need.

I started to fill my empty walls with posters & stuff, and even got a free poster for being nice to the poster salesboys for giving them towels when it rained on sunday. I put my favorite van gogh photo up and another photo that i don't know the name of the artist it was made by. But all i know is that i wanted no more depressing walls & fill my room as my comfort zone. I put this wall decal up too since i can't paint my walls orange or something. Plus, i finally got a curtain rod that worked so i now have a curtain.

I got to spend time with jessica and saw milton for a few but played rockband for about 3 hrs straight. The next day i saw alysha & jessica. Alysha helped make my room more at home & jessica and i were able to have our usual HE DID WHAT WITH WHAT sex talks. One of the most relaxing things was riding on Tony [her boyfriend and my friends] motorcycle. I loved it- it felt exhilarating- almost like i was finally letting loose. Letting go is something that i must work on but feeling the need for speed was a blessing.

When i come back to the apartment, i thought of all summer. The internship, the quarrels, the fun times, the loved times, those times, THOSE times, and him. I miss you. I miss you so much & i want you here. I miss your touch & the way you make me laugh. The way you make me smile when i was so sad & the way you always tried and in my eyes, NEVER FAILED. i know i may have given you a large dose of me, but i hope you know that you can give me all of you-- i can handle it. i promise.

outside, im rockin' my purple pants. inside, i need someone to help with the glue process.

Lord,
its funny how youre always there when i feel like you're not. I love you for putting me through these trials. They have to lead to something? I'll get through all this with you. Just please, help me stop crying. Help me to realize im not alone. I feel it so much, i feel the loneliness all the time. Help me get through this. please. im scared.
Amen.


.love,
me.