yay for turtles.

its hard to imagine that in exactly one week i'll be back in buffalo. All the anxiety just came back, and honestly- i'm so nervous. Its my final year & i'm glad, but sometimes i wish that i put myself more out there and just learned how to be more resilient in my own personal matters.

whats harder are the things i'm leaving here in staten island. Im gonna miss my parents, my friends, and loved ones, and all the in betweens too. this summer has been a relaxing one. Yes i worked all summer, but i feel that ive been just recooperating and refreshing myself in order to prepare myself for the lonely days in buffalo.

im scared. ive been scared since the beginning of summer. I can't let my guard down because im too vulnerable. There are days when i don't even know why im sad, but i feel this heavy burden on my shoulders constantly. Yes, ive been taking the pills to help myself, but in all honestly-- they just numb my pain, supress it until it hits harder than prior. I push so many people away because i don't want anyone to endure what i went through & what im going through. I am protecting them thats all. Whats worse- i don't want to be alone going through all of this- but i don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore, and i don't want people to go down with me. I willingly went down with someone & i still am going through the after affects. I can't run away from the people that make me sad because if i cant help them, than who will ?

I called turtlicious last night. Although our conversation consisted mostly of catching up, i felt better. I didn't feel so alone last night. I told him some brief stories & a small update of whats been going on, but it wasnt the fact that he had something to say that made me feel a little better- it was the fact that he just picked up. With a busy schedule, we don't talk much, but last night- he picked up. He listened. He spoke. & i, felt better. I can't say that im happy again, but i feel that he helped through this healing process im going through. [quote " april, im here for you & i haven't forgotten about you."]

I'm not searching for answers or solutions- what is done is done. Im looking for someone to just say " everything is going to be okay" & " its hard, but you'll pull through" .. maybe im not listening, maybe youre not talking loud enough.. but a warm embrace- or just something that would help stop the loneliness would just be a really big help.

maybe im just confused. My whole life has been one dictation after the next & ive rebeled in so many ways possible. Now that things are different- i don't know how to... walk, strut, smile... anything really. I just am lost.

Wanna know something? Im still hurting from the past & everyday its killing me a little more each day.


im SOSing.

infinite EXs & OHs,
april dawn.