closed mouth shut.

periods blow. bad things happen all the time when i get my period. mother of all pearl. practice was short & quick- thank God and then i headed out with Blanca, Taylor & Gisun to get lunch outside campus. Then afterwards i went to the mall with Jessica- ending up seeing Eagle Eye- which was pretty decent from what I expected.

I saw this guy that looked like the guy that raped me in the mall. I didn't say anything to Jessica or Milton because its not something i flaunt really. I texted Christian and Julia, and they were as freaked as I was. It brought back alot of memories. I feel like everyday im always trying to get myself out of the past- its as if im buried in it. Christian gets so upset when my past dictates what goes on in my future & the present. I always wonder that- you think youve learned and you've finally forgiven-- but when similar passes you end up right back where you started. Its weird. I wanna forgive you, and i wanna forget you. But like Lauren from the Hills, its hard to forget.

thats my biggest flaw- forgiving too easily and not forgetting. so does that mean i'm not really forgiving? Its hard enough to go through the shit that ive been through & its even harder to face the people that hurt me everyday, but i thought i'd be over it by now. Maybe its my period talking, but i don't know how else to say anything anymore. I feel like sometimes i want to just be a machine & just do work. Just be here, to be here. to do things in order for them to get done- with or without a purpose.

i feel too much. thats another flaw. i'm too intuned with my feelings that i block out everyone else because no one can or want to understand what is REALLY going on in my head. The ones that listen are scared, and the other ones that listen just fight with me. I close my eyes, and all i see is everything ive done wrong since i was a child. From tattling on ateh to hurting everyone around me.

the fight last night reminded me that im still really "broken" inside. I'm getting glued little by little- but im still somewhat broken. When things are fine, i cant fathom its fine because i'm not used to things ever being fine. I am feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like i can't do anything right & take things of how they are. I can't learn to relax because I feel like i need to always be doing something, always need to be there for someone. I feel like i don't want people to be there for me becausei don't deserve it. I feel like ive done so much wrong, that i'll be permanently in debt before i can right anything.


this battle is just between me, myself & i . i don't need your pity, just a prayer.

Lord,
i can't forgive myself.

I FORGIVE YOU (1st john 1:9)

game on, skin off ?

this entire month ever since ive been back in school has been kind of hectic. First with alysha and being pregnant and now my best friend, elaine, 5 months pregnant and keeping it. She finally told me yesterday. It kind of put me in retrospective.
School is tough, really tough and the workload is insane- so i try to manage and do everything accordingly and early so i have time for myself and to study for future exams. I thought that id be partying much more this year, but sometimes id rather just cozy up next to dunks and sleep. I find myself sleeping an extra 5 hours after clinical on wednesdays and thursdays and then on weekends- im alone.
Yesterday, i went to the OR and got to see a total knee replacement (again) and an open heart surgery. Well partially. But the heart, one of the body's most vital organs was right there, less than 11 inches away from me, was beating and exposed, naked and aw & probably one of the most beautiful things ive seen in so long. It reminded me of all the things that my heart beats for, sinks for, yearns for.
I want to do well in school, and so its my first priority. My dad has a displaced him & hopefully through some therapeutic regimen and pain management he will NOT have to go through surgery. Ive spoken to my uncle and aunt from arizona and hopefully they will visit for my graduation-- its my dad's cousin and also his best friend- so why not. Im starting to workout- not to really lose weight- but tone up...that'll be a while. But it definitely decreases my stress levels. Ive spoken to David and he's going back into training after the incident =) Tony and I still have our random conversations ar 3o clock when i can't sleep. And i got a letter from christine with a pretty necklace that came in.
Im still surprised and shocked that my best friend is pregnant. Its crazy- we had all these plans about moving into manhattan and living the high roller life- and now she's gonna be a mom, and i'm gonna be a nurse. I wasnt mad at her when she told me, i was mad because she waited for so long to tell me. I was livid at first, but then understood her point of view later on. Im practically family, and she was scared- honestly, i'd be scared too. When i did all those things, i was scared to tell her cos we're just honest like that- we're good like that. we're best friends like that.
As im growing up, i feel like i still feel like people are still the same- stuck in their ways. im in clinical with someone, and even though i didn't do anything to them- they act like such a twit to me. its horrible- i stick it through- only 3 weeks left. those people are still those people & i still have my few beauties that still don't mind spending time with me. During practice, one thing that hurts alot is the fact that this one won't even look me in the eye. if i did something wrong, i'm sorry- i didn't know. im sorry-- but its only me and him in the scene and i'm right next to him and he'll stare everywhere else but at me- makes the scene look horrible. or maybe i'm just horrible. I can't wait to get out of here. But since im stuck here id like to have the BEST TIME ever. so im trying, scared- but eh? what else can i do.
I saw a guy on the bus that looked exactly like eugene. memories. i miss you.its weird how i always come back to this uy. its not like we dated, or even kissed or hooked up- but i felt like he taught me so much in the little time that i knew him- about life and love, and about how something is wrong with the whole world and not with me. He was one of the few knight and shining armor guys- just hidden as a polysci major & what not. Overall- everytime i feel so sad about being here, i think about the biggest sacrifice he's made for me & feel better.
Im getting older, and i feel like ive changed so much. I want to be able to have someone keep up with my change- and not hold me back. I used to hold the past back, of the way things used to be, because the past made me happy. Now- the past probably hurts me just as much as it did way back when. I want to grow & learn and just keep moving forward- taking a few quick stops, but never fully stopping until i'm completely satisfied.

Lord,
I know i'm always praying about the same thing over and over- but sometimes i really wish that i could find some way to get over all the things ive been through. I know that your plan is something that is great and full of worth & hopefully, i'm accomplishing it everyday- but i ask for some sort of boost- some sort of " not be scared, and in your face" kind of thing. I just want to stop being scared.

Yesterday.

something stupid? In order to write any entry in my blogger, i have to listen to this one particular song. Its a love song, but i feel that it can relate to anything in my life. Le sigh- i'm a weiner.

Ever since the incident, and the sulking- school was able to bounce me back and helped me even to work much harder than i ever did in a long time. So far i've been managing my time well- doing work ahead in order to have more time for clinical writing, practice for barrio and especially sleep. I can't really say that i am happy that i told the truth because i still look at pictures from time to time, and look at the infamous facebook- but then something always snaps me back to reality.

This semester- i want nothing but the best- take everything as it is & also get obtain every opportunity even if it means i have to deal with people that i don't like in particular. When im home, i feel sort of safe- my room mates and i get along, but in my room; i still have that loneliness. That feeling wishing someone was there to sleep next to you, being with you, loving you endlessly. But i don't want that feeling to get in the way of anything else- so I compensate by:

1. nursing school blows- work, work, work.
2. assistant to international coordinator
3. barrio dancer & actor
4. public relations/ activities chair for NSO
5. aasu choreographer
6. working out cos im fat
7. sleeping
8. talking on the phone
9. reading
10. learning new songs to sing


So im busy. I keep myself busy, because i don't like downtime. I don't want to be lazy. I want things accomplished and things done to be perfect in their own way. I want my hard work to pay off. Even though im a bit disappointed that i will not be in sigma theta tau- i'm just glad i have a good chance to go home for the month of April & that nothing will stop me from graduating in May 2009.


thats what i tell myself everyday

Social life has kinda of dwindled even more. I kind of keep to myself alot & just try to stay to the few people that i can trust that left here in Buffalo. But the quiet and the alone time does feel good sometimes. It helps me to just kind of relax and help myself teach myself the value of solitude.

I wanna say this: I miss him. I miss him so much-- but i think i miss the good times which are a mere blur to him, but the only thing that left me hanging to me. I don't miss the yelling, and the hangups and the fighting, and the hurtful words and everything else that turned on our relationship. He may say that i have many best friends, but he was truly one of my best friends because he knew me the way that others didn't & if he cant comprehend that, then he must be one dumb fuck. Im learning, baby steps to trust again. I'm learning to slowly love again. Im learning how to be by myself & actually enjoy it. But in my heart, it has its space for forgiveness- too bad he'll never realize what he's ever done wrong. When im actually ready- when he's ready to forgive me, then maybe it'll happen to start very slow, but right now...

im just a purple monkey dishwasher with shizz and kiehls and come here & eyy baaaaayybeee, so on with the airmaxs and the "mmmmhhmm" and watcha DOin?! add a little bit of marketing & a dash of nursing, mix it with a hungarian horntail and tall dude who gets his face cut off all the time in pictures times that with the fried oreos and the ABDC nights screwing over Boogie bots, but screaming for Fanny Pak to 6 upanddown rollercoasters in Razah rain theme park. and thats only the beginning.

ive been in my bed-- sleeping alone. but not feeling alone.


Lord,
Although days are stressful, i thank you so much for teaching me to become more persistent and glad that you trust me to do your will. Lord, i just pray that the times that i do feel sad, alone, and distressed- that you come and make everything better. I just want to heal & be more corageous- grant me the opportunities. I love you .

you are my everything.


amen.




edit// someone hold me, before icrack.

"the truth shall set you free"
"you did the right thing"
"it may hurt now, but if you told him later, he would never talk to you again"

2nd week of school has been nothing but hectic hectic hectic. Saturday mornong i woke up at 7am to catch a bus to go to south for my SPT at 9am. Too freakin' bad that the TA wasnt there. So i walked to HSLibrary to take my online exams-- but the media room was closed. Now i'm just pissed. Walked back to Kimball and the TA was there later on-- took the test & passed. Then went to the library to finally take my online exams & that took about 2 1/2 hrs. Passed and did well. At this point, i wanted to crawl into bed with a big mac or something. Nothing for breakfast or for lunch. Headed back to north and cooked myself a huge ass meal-- wanted to unstress and unwind.

Went on the computer and saw "disappointed" WTF. Now i'm horribly angry. He calls later to tell me he misses me- thats all. He finally has the decency to tell me how he feels after we broke up. He finally realized that he hurt me so much, he finally realized that i was something of worth. Only to find out that i am worth nothing for what i did. I confessed that i shared myself with someone. I let someone enter my life and take what was his. I cheated. I finally burst out and told him the truth because i didn't deserve that sort of praise. I let that stupid girl get to me, i let her words, her entries, her rumors get me and i cheated. I felt like everything had literally just peeled off my body and all was left was bone. I felt like i shot him straight in the chest.

I barely had moved from my room. I lost all motivation to do work. Gisun came by and Henry dragged me so i can watch him dance- but i went back to room and just sulked. I didn't cry, i didn't whine, i didn't reason. I just took it all. Don't say that i didn't love him, because i have him in my heart- i just let myself become stupid. I just let myself go because i felt like he let me go. He may say he never stooped low like i did, but with all the fights and being mistreated, the lies, and all the things he put me through- i guess you can say it evens up. But its not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I worked so hard for 2 1/2 years-- maybe even longer, and literally just broke all of that.

I have lost all motivation & lost all hope right now. I feel like im about to implode. Ive been praying and hoping that through the next few days that school will snap me back.

Lord- help me through what I have done. I just wanted to be truthful. I wanted to just be free.

Forgive me.

got your back.

so its been a week since i've started my final year at UB and i've been okay. Ive been spending time with the RIGHT people & studying alot. Not too much partying and just reading the readings i have to do in order to succeed for my career.

I put alot of stuff to cover the white walls. I put pictures of my close, my closer and closest- putting cut up photos and even creating collages just to stop the emptiness. I bought a large poster of Van Gogh- starry night and another one that has the subtitle " holding you, i hold everything".

i guess i can be honest here. i'm still feeling the loneliness- but the quietness is actually quite nice. I need to focus on the more important stuff and more important people. Be there for the ones that really need me, and just let go of the ones that just keep using me.

My room has become my safe zone & i feel okay. Im not that much better, but i'm getting to a place in my heart where i may start forgiving much more. But its a process and it may not happen here in college but it'll happen. There's just so much that weigh my heart down & i need to deal with the more important stuff first.

I still have the fears that still keep me from really being myself- but slowly their subsiding.

A jerk iMed me last night telling me that I have not changed at all since we had dated- but too bad he is completely wrong. I know i've grown so much because i've been through too much- more than even a 50 year old can handle. Ive stayed the same height, but i loved, and someone or someones loved me, i fell short of things, handle things well, triumphed over hard times, grown to be mature, and even got a better fashion sense. I may not be a wannabe sex talking metro- but i've become the best person that God wants me to be and it is still going on. Yes, i still write how i feel via away message and facebook-- but who doesn't ? There's more in life than emo messages and phrases-- too bad he failed to realized that.

Sometimes i forget to thank the people the have gotten me through the worst of the worst and provided me with the best of the best. I don't need to name because its not the emmys- but they know- they know me & know that people make mistakes & that i am soo much better than that.

Love, thank you for never letting me fall down.

Dear Lord,
you are amazing. thank you for not making me feel so lonely anymore & for helping me focus out of my ADDness & providing me with the best backbone a girl could have. I thank you so much for trusting me, and even when i feel down and even if i cry and feel like such crap- i know that its for your will & i'm always willing to do your will.


Amen.