game on, skin off ?

this entire month ever since ive been back in school has been kind of hectic. First with alysha and being pregnant and now my best friend, elaine, 5 months pregnant and keeping it. She finally told me yesterday. It kind of put me in retrospective.
School is tough, really tough and the workload is insane- so i try to manage and do everything accordingly and early so i have time for myself and to study for future exams. I thought that id be partying much more this year, but sometimes id rather just cozy up next to dunks and sleep. I find myself sleeping an extra 5 hours after clinical on wednesdays and thursdays and then on weekends- im alone.
Yesterday, i went to the OR and got to see a total knee replacement (again) and an open heart surgery. Well partially. But the heart, one of the body's most vital organs was right there, less than 11 inches away from me, was beating and exposed, naked and aw & probably one of the most beautiful things ive seen in so long. It reminded me of all the things that my heart beats for, sinks for, yearns for.
I want to do well in school, and so its my first priority. My dad has a displaced him & hopefully through some therapeutic regimen and pain management he will NOT have to go through surgery. Ive spoken to my uncle and aunt from arizona and hopefully they will visit for my graduation-- its my dad's cousin and also his best friend- so why not. Im starting to workout- not to really lose weight- but tone up...that'll be a while. But it definitely decreases my stress levels. Ive spoken to David and he's going back into training after the incident =) Tony and I still have our random conversations ar 3o clock when i can't sleep. And i got a letter from christine with a pretty necklace that came in.
Im still surprised and shocked that my best friend is pregnant. Its crazy- we had all these plans about moving into manhattan and living the high roller life- and now she's gonna be a mom, and i'm gonna be a nurse. I wasnt mad at her when she told me, i was mad because she waited for so long to tell me. I was livid at first, but then understood her point of view later on. Im practically family, and she was scared- honestly, i'd be scared too. When i did all those things, i was scared to tell her cos we're just honest like that- we're good like that. we're best friends like that.
As im growing up, i feel like i still feel like people are still the same- stuck in their ways. im in clinical with someone, and even though i didn't do anything to them- they act like such a twit to me. its horrible- i stick it through- only 3 weeks left. those people are still those people & i still have my few beauties that still don't mind spending time with me. During practice, one thing that hurts alot is the fact that this one won't even look me in the eye. if i did something wrong, i'm sorry- i didn't know. im sorry-- but its only me and him in the scene and i'm right next to him and he'll stare everywhere else but at me- makes the scene look horrible. or maybe i'm just horrible. I can't wait to get out of here. But since im stuck here id like to have the BEST TIME ever. so im trying, scared- but eh? what else can i do.
I saw a guy on the bus that looked exactly like eugene. memories. i miss you.its weird how i always come back to this uy. its not like we dated, or even kissed or hooked up- but i felt like he taught me so much in the little time that i knew him- about life and love, and about how something is wrong with the whole world and not with me. He was one of the few knight and shining armor guys- just hidden as a polysci major & what not. Overall- everytime i feel so sad about being here, i think about the biggest sacrifice he's made for me & feel better.
Im getting older, and i feel like ive changed so much. I want to be able to have someone keep up with my change- and not hold me back. I used to hold the past back, of the way things used to be, because the past made me happy. Now- the past probably hurts me just as much as it did way back when. I want to grow & learn and just keep moving forward- taking a few quick stops, but never fully stopping until i'm completely satisfied.

Lord,
I know i'm always praying about the same thing over and over- but sometimes i really wish that i could find some way to get over all the things ive been through. I know that your plan is something that is great and full of worth & hopefully, i'm accomplishing it everyday- but i ask for some sort of boost- some sort of " not be scared, and in your face" kind of thing. I just want to stop being scared.