got your back.

so its been a week since i've started my final year at UB and i've been okay. Ive been spending time with the RIGHT people & studying alot. Not too much partying and just reading the readings i have to do in order to succeed for my career.

I put alot of stuff to cover the white walls. I put pictures of my close, my closer and closest- putting cut up photos and even creating collages just to stop the emptiness. I bought a large poster of Van Gogh- starry night and another one that has the subtitle " holding you, i hold everything".

i guess i can be honest here. i'm still feeling the loneliness- but the quietness is actually quite nice. I need to focus on the more important stuff and more important people. Be there for the ones that really need me, and just let go of the ones that just keep using me.

My room has become my safe zone & i feel okay. Im not that much better, but i'm getting to a place in my heart where i may start forgiving much more. But its a process and it may not happen here in college but it'll happen. There's just so much that weigh my heart down & i need to deal with the more important stuff first.

I still have the fears that still keep me from really being myself- but slowly their subsiding.

A jerk iMed me last night telling me that I have not changed at all since we had dated- but too bad he is completely wrong. I know i've grown so much because i've been through too much- more than even a 50 year old can handle. Ive stayed the same height, but i loved, and someone or someones loved me, i fell short of things, handle things well, triumphed over hard times, grown to be mature, and even got a better fashion sense. I may not be a wannabe sex talking metro- but i've become the best person that God wants me to be and it is still going on. Yes, i still write how i feel via away message and facebook-- but who doesn't ? There's more in life than emo messages and phrases-- too bad he failed to realized that.

Sometimes i forget to thank the people the have gotten me through the worst of the worst and provided me with the best of the best. I don't need to name because its not the emmys- but they know- they know me & know that people make mistakes & that i am soo much better than that.

Love, thank you for never letting me fall down.

Dear Lord,
you are amazing. thank you for not making me feel so lonely anymore & for helping me focus out of my ADDness & providing me with the best backbone a girl could have. I thank you so much for trusting me, and even when i feel down and even if i cry and feel like such crap- i know that its for your will & i'm always willing to do your will.


Amen.