closed mouth shut.

periods blow. bad things happen all the time when i get my period. mother of all pearl. practice was short & quick- thank God and then i headed out with Blanca, Taylor & Gisun to get lunch outside campus. Then afterwards i went to the mall with Jessica- ending up seeing Eagle Eye- which was pretty decent from what I expected.

I saw this guy that looked like the guy that raped me in the mall. I didn't say anything to Jessica or Milton because its not something i flaunt really. I texted Christian and Julia, and they were as freaked as I was. It brought back alot of memories. I feel like everyday im always trying to get myself out of the past- its as if im buried in it. Christian gets so upset when my past dictates what goes on in my future & the present. I always wonder that- you think youve learned and you've finally forgiven-- but when similar passes you end up right back where you started. Its weird. I wanna forgive you, and i wanna forget you. But like Lauren from the Hills, its hard to forget.

thats my biggest flaw- forgiving too easily and not forgetting. so does that mean i'm not really forgiving? Its hard enough to go through the shit that ive been through & its even harder to face the people that hurt me everyday, but i thought i'd be over it by now. Maybe its my period talking, but i don't know how else to say anything anymore. I feel like sometimes i want to just be a machine & just do work. Just be here, to be here. to do things in order for them to get done- with or without a purpose.

i feel too much. thats another flaw. i'm too intuned with my feelings that i block out everyone else because no one can or want to understand what is REALLY going on in my head. The ones that listen are scared, and the other ones that listen just fight with me. I close my eyes, and all i see is everything ive done wrong since i was a child. From tattling on ateh to hurting everyone around me.

the fight last night reminded me that im still really "broken" inside. I'm getting glued little by little- but im still somewhat broken. When things are fine, i cant fathom its fine because i'm not used to things ever being fine. I am feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like i can't do anything right & take things of how they are. I can't learn to relax because I feel like i need to always be doing something, always need to be there for someone. I feel like i don't want people to be there for me becausei don't deserve it. I feel like ive done so much wrong, that i'll be permanently in debt before i can right anything.


this battle is just between me, myself & i . i don't need your pity, just a prayer.

Lord,
i can't forgive myself.

I FORGIVE YOU (1st john 1:9)