Yesterday.

something stupid? In order to write any entry in my blogger, i have to listen to this one particular song. Its a love song, but i feel that it can relate to anything in my life. Le sigh- i'm a weiner.

Ever since the incident, and the sulking- school was able to bounce me back and helped me even to work much harder than i ever did in a long time. So far i've been managing my time well- doing work ahead in order to have more time for clinical writing, practice for barrio and especially sleep. I can't really say that i am happy that i told the truth because i still look at pictures from time to time, and look at the infamous facebook- but then something always snaps me back to reality.

This semester- i want nothing but the best- take everything as it is & also get obtain every opportunity even if it means i have to deal with people that i don't like in particular. When im home, i feel sort of safe- my room mates and i get along, but in my room; i still have that loneliness. That feeling wishing someone was there to sleep next to you, being with you, loving you endlessly. But i don't want that feeling to get in the way of anything else- so I compensate by:

1. nursing school blows- work, work, work.
2. assistant to international coordinator
3. barrio dancer & actor
4. public relations/ activities chair for NSO
5. aasu choreographer
6. working out cos im fat
7. sleeping
8. talking on the phone
9. reading
10. learning new songs to sing


So im busy. I keep myself busy, because i don't like downtime. I don't want to be lazy. I want things accomplished and things done to be perfect in their own way. I want my hard work to pay off. Even though im a bit disappointed that i will not be in sigma theta tau- i'm just glad i have a good chance to go home for the month of April & that nothing will stop me from graduating in May 2009.


thats what i tell myself everyday

Social life has kinda of dwindled even more. I kind of keep to myself alot & just try to stay to the few people that i can trust that left here in Buffalo. But the quiet and the alone time does feel good sometimes. It helps me to just kind of relax and help myself teach myself the value of solitude.

I wanna say this: I miss him. I miss him so much-- but i think i miss the good times which are a mere blur to him, but the only thing that left me hanging to me. I don't miss the yelling, and the hangups and the fighting, and the hurtful words and everything else that turned on our relationship. He may say that i have many best friends, but he was truly one of my best friends because he knew me the way that others didn't & if he cant comprehend that, then he must be one dumb fuck. Im learning, baby steps to trust again. I'm learning to slowly love again. Im learning how to be by myself & actually enjoy it. But in my heart, it has its space for forgiveness- too bad he'll never realize what he's ever done wrong. When im actually ready- when he's ready to forgive me, then maybe it'll happen to start very slow, but right now...

im just a purple monkey dishwasher with shizz and kiehls and come here & eyy baaaaayybeee, so on with the airmaxs and the "mmmmhhmm" and watcha DOin?! add a little bit of marketing & a dash of nursing, mix it with a hungarian horntail and tall dude who gets his face cut off all the time in pictures times that with the fried oreos and the ABDC nights screwing over Boogie bots, but screaming for Fanny Pak to 6 upanddown rollercoasters in Razah rain theme park. and thats only the beginning.

ive been in my bed-- sleeping alone. but not feeling alone.


Lord,
Although days are stressful, i thank you so much for teaching me to become more persistent and glad that you trust me to do your will. Lord, i just pray that the times that i do feel sad, alone, and distressed- that you come and make everything better. I just want to heal & be more corageous- grant me the opportunities. I love you .

you are my everything.


amen.




edit// someone hold me, before icrack.