i will not cut .
i will not scream.
i will not yell.
i will not fight.
i will not be angry.
i will not be weak.
i will not cut.
i will not cut.
i will not cut.
i will not cut.
Tuesday, December 29
Friday, December 4
family values .
ive never been a "family person". However, i always admired the ones that were. My family structure rarely was a stable one but it was and still is a structure that has raised me and earned me my points in society 'til this day. Both my parental units have raised me the way they thought best- with stern discipline and lots of love- filled sacrifices. The Santos siblings- Jimmy & Cris, were more of the " you're on your own for this one, kid" type of people. They were 10 & 20 years older than I, so growing up felt more like 4 parents instead of two.
My 2 other cousins have been trying to be the outlet of my frustration- giving me opportunities to let go & let loose.
From fighting with them constantly & the loss of faith in me from the both of them, ive began to resent them in more ways than one. It's hard, really hard- effin' tough to love them unconditionally when you get 8am wake up calls of yelling, bantering in the afternoon & tears galore in the evening. It's not just them, i know that because of my negative attitude & my fear of failing not only myself but everyone around has brought me to this level where even the thought of "it" makes me queazy beyond belief.
But i know where they're coming from. I understand you mom & dad. I know when i'm hurting & when i'm scared, you're twice as scared. When my heart was first broken, you cried in the car with me until i stopped. When things seem so out of reach for me, you two are the ones that provide that booster stepper upper thing, so i can grab them not only with one but with both hands to make sure that that dream, that aspiration is safely secure & all mine. i love you both, whether i show it or not. Please forgive me, i forgive you.
Santos Household is the true definition of tough love & i wouldn't have it any other way.
My 2 other cousins have been trying to be the outlet of my frustration- giving me opportunities to let go & let loose.
From fighting with them constantly & the loss of faith in me from the both of them, ive began to resent them in more ways than one. It's hard, really hard- effin' tough to love them unconditionally when you get 8am wake up calls of yelling, bantering in the afternoon & tears galore in the evening. It's not just them, i know that because of my negative attitude & my fear of failing not only myself but everyone around has brought me to this level where even the thought of "it" makes me queazy beyond belief.
But i know where they're coming from. I understand you mom & dad. I know when i'm hurting & when i'm scared, you're twice as scared. When my heart was first broken, you cried in the car with me until i stopped. When things seem so out of reach for me, you two are the ones that provide that booster stepper upper thing, so i can grab them not only with one but with both hands to make sure that that dream, that aspiration is safely secure & all mine. i love you both, whether i show it or not. Please forgive me, i forgive you.
Santos Household is the true definition of tough love & i wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, November 16
Billy Bookcase.
i assembled a bookshelf all by myself today . i need to keep moving forward .
Lord - let everything i do, and breathe i take and every step i go, glorify your name .
"more than you think ."
Lord - let everything i do, and breathe i take and every step i go, glorify your name .
"more than you think ."
Wednesday, November 11
Wednesday, November 4
awkward phone calls & wang.
ive been trying to figure out how to verbalize the way ive been feeling lately & all that comes out are stutters, mumbled noises & big sighs. A friend told me that if i add the word, "hella" to my vernacular, i'd probably be able to finally say whats been couped up inside. i feel defeated. i said it, defeated. hella defeated.
as the days have gone by after LSS & the crazy trip to Buffalo, ive come to the conclusion that going back to studying is better said than done. So far, ive bought a book, which by the way- i havent opened, updated blogspot & ended up catching up on Ugly Betty episodes. Not too swift, april santos.
i ended up spending time with a close friend the other day & ended up going to the alba house and adoration chapel here on the island. we prayed & then headed over to panera to have our friend pow- wows we have once every few months. My friend has spoken about their struggles during nursing school & how his faith really really saved their butt. But their story was a pure example of how faith can truly move mountains. " Even at the last minute, even past the deadline, i was so close and then my aunt called. I gave it all to Him, April. Thank God"
I remember i had called another friend one time & ended up getting their vmail. I started writing in the journal Audrey gave me from the LSS & tried not writing so formally. I always feel obliged writing prayers so formal that i forget how to write so personal. I ended up getting a phone call from that friend & ended up talking for a while about everything and anything. Particularly, we started writing how communication today does not have the same effect as it did back then. No offense, texting & BBMing is great but getting something in the mailbox, to me, feels like getting gifts on christmas day. I was in the process of deep prayer when that whole conversation had happened. But after we hung up the phone, i felt refreshed. I started writing personal again. I started writing without using my eraser of my mechanical pencil and didnt stop writing until my heart was heard.
I know he hears me. I know that, that night my heart was heard. I feel like im pounding the insides of my being to be heard that night & part of me feels like im slowly breaking me through. " He's right there. "
Dear Father,
I praise and thank you for continuing to make the picture a bit clearer. I thank you for lighting the pathways that you want me to continue on. Thank you God for slowing me down in order for me to be humble & to truly cherish what you have done for me. i love you & those 3 words have my life written in them.
in this i pray, Amen.
Buong tiwala'y sayo. kayat gamitin ako. Dakilang Diyos =]
as the days have gone by after LSS & the crazy trip to Buffalo, ive come to the conclusion that going back to studying is better said than done. So far, ive bought a book, which by the way- i havent opened, updated blogspot & ended up catching up on Ugly Betty episodes. Not too swift, april santos.
i ended up spending time with a close friend the other day & ended up going to the alba house and adoration chapel here on the island. we prayed & then headed over to panera to have our friend pow- wows we have once every few months. My friend has spoken about their struggles during nursing school & how his faith really really saved their butt. But their story was a pure example of how faith can truly move mountains. " Even at the last minute, even past the deadline, i was so close and then my aunt called. I gave it all to Him, April. Thank God"
I remember i had called another friend one time & ended up getting their vmail. I started writing in the journal Audrey gave me from the LSS & tried not writing so formally. I always feel obliged writing prayers so formal that i forget how to write so personal. I ended up getting a phone call from that friend & ended up talking for a while about everything and anything. Particularly, we started writing how communication today does not have the same effect as it did back then. No offense, texting & BBMing is great but getting something in the mailbox, to me, feels like getting gifts on christmas day. I was in the process of deep prayer when that whole conversation had happened. But after we hung up the phone, i felt refreshed. I started writing personal again. I started writing without using my eraser of my mechanical pencil and didnt stop writing until my heart was heard.
I know he hears me. I know that, that night my heart was heard. I feel like im pounding the insides of my being to be heard that night & part of me feels like im slowly breaking me through. " He's right there. "
Dear Father,
I praise and thank you for continuing to make the picture a bit clearer. I thank you for lighting the pathways that you want me to continue on. Thank you God for slowing me down in order for me to be humble & to truly cherish what you have done for me. i love you & those 3 words have my life written in them.
in this i pray, Amen.
Buong tiwala'y sayo. kayat gamitin ako. Dakilang Diyos =]
Tuesday, October 27
deep breath in .
i dont know where to begin however, i'll start with a prayer to make sure this is all out of love & nothing but love.
Father,
I humbly come before you now, praising your name- loving you unconditionally. I ask you Father, that for the next moments in time that i am able to write all that has been residing inside of me to be released & permanently released. To have endured from it, to have lived from it, and to always be learning from it. I ask you Lord to fill the empty vessels of my entire being and to pour your precious spirit upon me as i walk back to finally speak out what has been going on. I love you so much .
In this I pray, amen.
PRE LSS --
" im not coming back to staten island- im not coming back to BLD or to my parents. I hate this ! i hate you ! You set me up ! You lied ! You promised ! You promised ! Fuck the LSS" . i remember seeing the results and feeling myself fall apart all over again. I walked outside & cursed everything i had worked so hard- not feeling anything but hate & sadness. I wanted to hurt myself. Honestly, one cut wouldnt do enough damage but enough damage to kill everyone else. I remember going back to Steven's apartment. He looked at me & i curled myself to the inner aspects of his arms & i felt like even the strongest man in my life couldnt even help me from slipping away. I asked God to melt me, & i guess he did. days in buffalo by faster & soon enough i was on my way to the airport. But i couldnt keep it together . I cried when leaving the car and felt like going home was my fate but the biggest punishment of my life. But there was one bit of hope that surprised me-- steven came back to the airport . He came back despite his busy schedule & he held me so tight-- that was enough to hold me for the week or the weak.. or a weak [ like me]. he was all i had left. he didnt or probably doesnt know that, he saved me that week. he saved me for life.
" im not coming back to staten island- im not coming back to BLD or to my parents. I hate this ! i hate you ! You set me up ! You lied ! You promised ! You promised ! Fuck the LSS" . i remember seeing the results and feeling myself fall apart all over again. I walked outside & cursed everything i had worked so hard- not feeling anything but hate & sadness. I wanted to hurt myself. Honestly, one cut wouldnt do enough damage but enough damage to kill everyone else. I remember going back to Steven's apartment. He looked at me & i curled myself to the inner aspects of his arms & i felt like even the strongest man in my life couldnt even help me from slipping away. I asked God to melt me, & i guess he did. days in buffalo by faster & soon enough i was on my way to the airport. But i couldnt keep it together . I cried when leaving the car and felt like going home was my fate but the biggest punishment of my life. But there was one bit of hope that surprised me-- steven came back to the airport . He came back despite his busy schedule & he held me so tight-- that was enough to hold me for the week or the weak.. or a weak [ like me]. he was all i had left. he didnt or probably doesnt know that, he saved me that week. he saved me for life.
My cousin Jackie Lou, came from Germany & i was able to take my mind off of it for the few days. my mom stayed distant and my father was clueless. We ended up watching Mary Poppins on broadway & it was beautiful . I enjoyed it so much . Jackie Lou & steven i guess were the spoon full of sugar to make the medicine go down.
I had my heart set on not going to the LSS. afterall, failures dont go to LSS. I went to one more shepherding session & when i stepped into Audrey's car i felt like not only was she was waiting for me, but He was too. I felt unworthy & casted away . But those two were there- strapped in and ready for the ride. i decided to go for the ride too..but this time, no seat belt .
LSS---
refreshed. cleansed. different . confused face . CAR ! lola sheppie . it was a different experience but a very fruitful one. i felt like i was on a ladder and i was trying to find God and i kept kicking & grinding my foot on the floor and then when Audrey said " its okay He's right here" ... i felt it all- i felt his hand grab mine & he got me " we got this". i felt so relieved- so unbelievably different that i just wanted to keep my eyes closed & fall deeper & deeper in his love . The gifts that he has given me were such blessings & the amount of how much brighter the outlook of my life is alot sweeter . I dont know how to describe it but the weekend had geared me up for the next few weeks of my life, or atleast the rest of it .
POST LSS--
trials came as quickly as the Lord took them away. My parents & I were okay .My father finally realized that im not a failure & that im one of those flowers that take a little longer to bloom than others. Im alot nicer to my parents now. I pray that my relationship with my parents stay close. But, friends relationships started to distant & even Steven & I started fighting again. It was anniversary & of course, like the amazing couple we are, we fought hardcore. But it didnt dim my fire that was burning. But i was doing things that were not right, gassing myself that i was still the same me & not letting my new life into play. I was too scared all the time. My cousin Marion from Arizona came to NY for a few days & having her around continuously made me realize how beautiful family is. My sister & my cousin came for a nice lunch & that was beautiful too.
TEACHING & BANQUET
i ended up going to the teaching about prayer & ended up meeting new titos & titas who are one of the sweetest ladies & gentlemens everrr. Danah was there to, so i didnt feel like the youngest at that point but we were taught that prayer is powerful & that there is a better way to be more formatted to pray. The banquet... sigh, i didnt want to go . I was too scared that I wouldnt know anyone or that no one would talk to me . I ended up having a good time & meeting new people & reflaming old friendships. stepping outside the box?
trials came as quickly as the Lord took them away. My parents & I were okay .My father finally realized that im not a failure & that im one of those flowers that take a little longer to bloom than others. Im alot nicer to my parents now. I pray that my relationship with my parents stay close. But, friends relationships started to distant & even Steven & I started fighting again. It was anniversary & of course, like the amazing couple we are, we fought hardcore. But it didnt dim my fire that was burning. But i was doing things that were not right, gassing myself that i was still the same me & not letting my new life into play. I was too scared all the time. My cousin Marion from Arizona came to NY for a few days & having her around continuously made me realize how beautiful family is. My sister & my cousin came for a nice lunch & that was beautiful too.
TEACHING & BANQUET
i ended up going to the teaching about prayer & ended up meeting new titos & titas who are one of the sweetest ladies & gentlemens everrr. Danah was there to, so i didnt feel like the youngest at that point but we were taught that prayer is powerful & that there is a better way to be more formatted to pray. The banquet... sigh, i didnt want to go . I was too scared that I wouldnt know anyone or that no one would talk to me . I ended up having a good time & meeting new people & reflaming old friendships. stepping outside the box?
SANDRA PERKINS---
"do you believe in Jesus? God loves you ! you will make it !" it was an operator that worked for the loan services in ny state. I had asked some questions about the loan i took out for college & wound up speaking about faith & ms. sandra perkins assured me with all her heart that i will make it through . weird, but sweet .
"do you believe in Jesus? God loves you ! you will make it !" it was an operator that worked for the loan services in ny state. I had asked some questions about the loan i took out for college & wound up speaking about faith & ms. sandra perkins assured me with all her heart that i will make it through . weird, but sweet .
JEDI mind tricks--
i ended up going to Adoration to pray. Its a chapel in NJ last week prior to my trip to Buffalo. I went with a long time friend. " You were open- so open a long time ago, and when prior to LSS you were so closed-- now youre a " knock before entering" kind of girl" We ended up talking about the last 5 years of our lives & i finally grew the balls to tell him what exactly made me change during college. Tearing in a fast food restaurant is not kosher with me, BTW. but we started talking & it felt good to have a friend- a new old friend. a new old friend that can relate too. its a blessing . " details in the fabric is the most emo sounding non- emo song"
i ended up going to Adoration to pray. Its a chapel in NJ last week prior to my trip to Buffalo. I went with a long time friend. " You were open- so open a long time ago, and when prior to LSS you were so closed-- now youre a " knock before entering" kind of girl" We ended up talking about the last 5 years of our lives & i finally grew the balls to tell him what exactly made me change during college. Tearing in a fast food restaurant is not kosher with me, BTW. but we started talking & it felt good to have a friend- a new old friend. a new old friend that can relate too. its a blessing . " details in the fabric is the most emo sounding non- emo song"
BUFFALO--
from not sleeping for 24hrs to screaming, crying, smiling, eating too many wings, to being too tired, to getting punched in the face for touching my panties, to lying to my parents, to eating gin gins, for arirang, for second chances, for kisses, new friends, old friends, not being scared, for being left alone, for never leaving him, for taking a chance, for hoping, for lockport caves, for being too ghetto, for eating $3.75 pizza, for falling into a bush, for henry & seth making videos where they can fit into a pair of pants, for hugs & hugs, for bad breath, snoring boyfriends, allergy to cats, for the police, for the decking of the security in the back of the neck, for the swarvoski zipper pull, the post secret book, for the sweet moments, dunnys,for the mean moments, for the hand holding, for the demons we met in the cave, for the unsanitary diarrhea boat ride in the cave, for the solo & the duet of mariah carey and boyz II men in the sentra that smelled like farts, from the 10 friends that came up 8 hours to visit their one friend, for the endless amount of cigarettes, for the flu, the coughing, the vix, the benadryl, allergy /cold medicine, for the boyfriend who doesnt get a clue half the time but still fights with love & pride, to the 30 dollars of gas, and the promise to never leave, to bruised pinky right finger, to wearing scandalous dresses, to coughing blood, to the poconos, casinos, & shopping areas, from me to you- to love to love to love... my heart is still yours. happy one year meeting to the man who drives me crazy and crazy in love.
from not sleeping for 24hrs to screaming, crying, smiling, eating too many wings, to being too tired, to getting punched in the face for touching my panties, to lying to my parents, to eating gin gins, for arirang, for second chances, for kisses, new friends, old friends, not being scared, for being left alone, for never leaving him, for taking a chance, for hoping, for lockport caves, for being too ghetto, for eating $3.75 pizza, for falling into a bush, for henry & seth making videos where they can fit into a pair of pants, for hugs & hugs, for bad breath, snoring boyfriends, allergy to cats, for the police, for the decking of the security in the back of the neck, for the swarvoski zipper pull, the post secret book, for the sweet moments, dunnys,for the mean moments, for the hand holding, for the demons we met in the cave, for the unsanitary diarrhea boat ride in the cave, for the solo & the duet of mariah carey and boyz II men in the sentra that smelled like farts, from the 10 friends that came up 8 hours to visit their one friend, for the endless amount of cigarettes, for the flu, the coughing, the vix, the benadryl, allergy /cold medicine, for the boyfriend who doesnt get a clue half the time but still fights with love & pride, to the 30 dollars of gas, and the promise to never leave, to bruised pinky right finger, to wearing scandalous dresses, to coughing blood, to the poconos, casinos, & shopping areas, from me to you- to love to love to love... my heart is still yours. happy one year meeting to the man who drives me crazy and crazy in love.
My heart still feels on fire but not as large as it used to be . Its a bit different now. Things are different. I can't really figure out what to write but i hope that this fills the gap for now. I rather someone knock than just blurt it out . I have so many questions & so many thoughts but too many to blurt . I need a cup of tea & a baguette or another trip to adoration . my heart feels alright but i just want a hug & something to lean on . something to really hold on to.
deep breath out
Monday, September 21
rougher the edges
GospelMt 9:9-138
As Jesus passed by,he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the customs post.He said to him, "Follow me."And he got up and followed him.While he was at table in his house,many tax collectors and sinners cameand sat with Jesus and his disciples.The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples,"Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"He heard this and said,"Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.Go and learn the meaning of the words,I desire mercy, not sacrifice.I did not come to call the righteous but sinners."
& i pray <3
As Jesus passed by,he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the customs post.He said to him, "Follow me."And he got up and followed him.While he was at table in his house,many tax collectors and sinners cameand sat with Jesus and his disciples.The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples,"Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"He heard this and said,"Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.Go and learn the meaning of the words,I desire mercy, not sacrifice.I did not come to call the righteous but sinners."
& i pray <3
Friday, September 18
neologisms.
I had written the title of this entry a few days ago when i was doing a practice question for the NCLEX. However, it related to more than just another fact that must be stored into my head...
Neologisms: according to NCLEX4000, is the act of making up words or combining words creating new ones. See, i have this weird thing- i have my own secret language. Only some have actually heard it and only a few have deemed to understand it. I sound like a crazy person, after all the word is usually used for a psychiatric patient but, in this case it was something a bit more interesting.
Friday night- another shepherding session with Audrey. We spoke about alot of different stuff at the Pantagis Diner and honestly, i dont remember alot of it except the feeling i had when i'm with my shepherd. I feel ultimately safe. Its a bit new for me, but i feel like God is really is close to me when i'm shepherding and yet, i still feel naked. Maybe thats what it is, im supposed to feel naked- to be naked when coming forth and giving up myself freely and whole-ly to Him. I realized that there was alot more hurt that lingered on in my mind, body, soul and heart than i thought- situations and people that i thought i forgave but maybe n ot have fully healed from.
"God made the world, but satan is running it"... i remember she told me that, and for a split second i doubted but then again- she's alright. SHEESH [ just kidding] but its true. I must be able to unbind myself from the shackles that i created and have myself fit to be with God and God only. See, she spoke about how the shackles that hold us back from being with Jesus is actually shackles that we let ourselves hold onto. So, from that day on, ive been trying to figure out about the whole shackles thing- trying to find the key to unshackle myself, but maybe there isnt a key. Maybe when i created them, i didnt make a safety exit out or a spare. Maybe i " threw away my key"... but i know that there is a way out--- going through it. all of it.
Oh, back to the whole neologisms thing. So yea, i figured out that my secret language that i can speak verbally is mine- and the only one that can understand it is Him. Funny part is, i dont even understand it. Then there's that language between my heart and His heart. The one that beats in the same accordance and knows every corner and ever dent of my beating organ. As blood flows into my heart, He flows.
"Nothing is ever fake when it comes to Him" I sometimes worry that all this that is coming into my head is not of Him and i'm faking it throughout, but Dan Wong (thank God for wrestler BFF) said that its not fake and that to always believe in Him & to never doubt.
This is my prayer-
Heavenly Father,
As i sit here in Panera with the sounds of orders being taken and the clanging of utensils upon plates, i hear nothing but the song in my heart that is currently on rotation. I can only imagine, when all i will do is forever, forever worship you...Its so loud right now but yet the only thing i can hear and feel is this trembling i get when i feel when i am with you. You are the Abba Father and the one who makes my heart beat senselessly. I humbly come before you today to stay with me as i continue on this journey & to guide me to what is of You and only You. Please Lord, tell me what is right and the right, I will follow. I never want to stray from You. I want to be with You, only You. I ask you Lord to close all the doors that is not of You, close all the doors of pain, agony, suffering, doubt, discouragement and anything else that gives off negative vibes and that causes me to not be able to use my eyes to really see You. Close Open the doors that are of You. Open the doors that lead me to the path where you want me on. I trust you, i put all my faith and trust in You. I offer my life and everything that is in it and lay it at the foot of the cross- it is all Yours now. I thank you Lord for taking care of everything. For being by my side and never letting me completely falter. Thank you for guiding me back to the heart of worship- as I walk closer and closer to it, I ask to always stay with you and please dont ever leave my side. I want to be where you are, in your dwelling place forever.
If there is a will, there's a way-- You are MY will, so there is THE way.
Forever & A Day,
Amen.
Neologisms: according to NCLEX4000, is the act of making up words or combining words creating new ones. See, i have this weird thing- i have my own secret language. Only some have actually heard it and only a few have deemed to understand it. I sound like a crazy person, after all the word is usually used for a psychiatric patient but, in this case it was something a bit more interesting.
Friday night- another shepherding session with Audrey. We spoke about alot of different stuff at the Pantagis Diner and honestly, i dont remember alot of it except the feeling i had when i'm with my shepherd. I feel ultimately safe. Its a bit new for me, but i feel like God is really is close to me when i'm shepherding and yet, i still feel naked. Maybe thats what it is, im supposed to feel naked- to be naked when coming forth and giving up myself freely and whole-ly to Him. I realized that there was alot more hurt that lingered on in my mind, body, soul and heart than i thought- situations and people that i thought i forgave but maybe n ot have fully healed from.
"God made the world, but satan is running it"... i remember she told me that, and for a split second i doubted but then again- she's alright. SHEESH [ just kidding] but its true. I must be able to unbind myself from the shackles that i created and have myself fit to be with God and God only. See, she spoke about how the shackles that hold us back from being with Jesus is actually shackles that we let ourselves hold onto. So, from that day on, ive been trying to figure out about the whole shackles thing- trying to find the key to unshackle myself, but maybe there isnt a key. Maybe when i created them, i didnt make a safety exit out or a spare. Maybe i " threw away my key"... but i know that there is a way out--- going through it. all of it.
Oh, back to the whole neologisms thing. So yea, i figured out that my secret language that i can speak verbally is mine- and the only one that can understand it is Him. Funny part is, i dont even understand it. Then there's that language between my heart and His heart. The one that beats in the same accordance and knows every corner and ever dent of my beating organ. As blood flows into my heart, He flows.
"Nothing is ever fake when it comes to Him" I sometimes worry that all this that is coming into my head is not of Him and i'm faking it throughout, but Dan Wong (thank God for wrestler BFF) said that its not fake and that to always believe in Him & to never doubt.
This is my prayer-
Heavenly Father,
As i sit here in Panera with the sounds of orders being taken and the clanging of utensils upon plates, i hear nothing but the song in my heart that is currently on rotation. I can only imagine, when all i will do is forever, forever worship you...Its so loud right now but yet the only thing i can hear and feel is this trembling i get when i feel when i am with you. You are the Abba Father and the one who makes my heart beat senselessly. I humbly come before you today to stay with me as i continue on this journey & to guide me to what is of You and only You. Please Lord, tell me what is right and the right, I will follow. I never want to stray from You. I want to be with You, only You. I ask you Lord to close all the doors that is not of You, close all the doors of pain, agony, suffering, doubt, discouragement and anything else that gives off negative vibes and that causes me to not be able to use my eyes to really see You. Close Open the doors that are of You. Open the doors that lead me to the path where you want me on. I trust you, i put all my faith and trust in You. I offer my life and everything that is in it and lay it at the foot of the cross- it is all Yours now. I thank you Lord for taking care of everything. For being by my side and never letting me completely falter. Thank you for guiding me back to the heart of worship- as I walk closer and closer to it, I ask to always stay with you and please dont ever leave my side. I want to be where you are, in your dwelling place forever.
If there is a will, there's a way-- You are MY will, so there is THE way.
Forever & A Day,
Amen.
Thursday, September 17
Wednesday, September 16
Stella Fransisco
Heavenly Father,
I humbly come before you asking you to please stay with my aunt- Stella Fransisco. She is the mother of 2 wonderful girls- Elaine and Gichell and the grandmother of 4 grandchildren- Dante, Christian, Alexander and Maritza. I know that she's very scared and she is so worried about everyrone else but i pray that You come to her and grant her peace. I know that she is very nervous about the double bipass surgery but i know that you will take care of her just ask you have taken care of all of us individually. I pray that my mother and my cousins give all their faith and prayers to you so that they all can cakn down and accept whatever may happen. I pray that you bless the hands that take care of her and for a safe and speedy recovery. I know that the road is not easy for the family, especially my aunt but i pray Lord, that you give her the strength to go through what she must go through and I pray that you Lord ease her tired soul and her hurting heart. I thank You so much for being the One and the Only in our lives. I ask you Lord to give even the smallest drop of your most precious blood upon my tita and to never leave her- calm her nerves, open her heart and Lord- i give this and lay it down at the foot of the cross.
In this i pray ,
Amen.
I humbly come before you asking you to please stay with my aunt- Stella Fransisco. She is the mother of 2 wonderful girls- Elaine and Gichell and the grandmother of 4 grandchildren- Dante, Christian, Alexander and Maritza. I know that she's very scared and she is so worried about everyrone else but i pray that You come to her and grant her peace. I know that she is very nervous about the double bipass surgery but i know that you will take care of her just ask you have taken care of all of us individually. I pray that my mother and my cousins give all their faith and prayers to you so that they all can cakn down and accept whatever may happen. I pray that you bless the hands that take care of her and for a safe and speedy recovery. I know that the road is not easy for the family, especially my aunt but i pray Lord, that you give her the strength to go through what she must go through and I pray that you Lord ease her tired soul and her hurting heart. I thank You so much for being the One and the Only in our lives. I ask you Lord to give even the smallest drop of your most precious blood upon my tita and to never leave her- calm her nerves, open her heart and Lord- i give this and lay it down at the foot of the cross.
In this i pray ,
Amen.
Monday, September 14
reflection
How humble was Jesus? Jesus is God and we must humble ourselves before Him, and yet He humbles himself before us! So says today's second reading. And the Gospel tells us that Jesus came DOWN from heaven. That's humility! Would you or I leave the comforts of heavenly perfection to enter into the bad, mean world to mingle with bad, mean people? Complaining is an indication that we've let our heavenly expectations push aside our earthly need to trust God. Worse, when we complain to others, we're spreading our distrust. To cure this, we should take our complaints directly to God. We need to let our complaints disappear into God's compassionate heart. Then our frustration dissipates. "Do not forget the works of the Lord," today's responsorial Psalm reminds us. Complaints mean that we've forgotten how much God is already blessing us. At such times, it's pride, not humility, that's controlling our attitudes. Did Jesus ever complain? He got upset sometimes, but He never complained, not even when they beat Him and nailed Him to the cross. Instead, He prayed for those who were the cause of His troubles: "Father, forgive them, because they don't know what they're doing." Because of this absolute love, we know without a doubt that "God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world." Lord, help us to humbly stop complaining and condemning, so that we can be holy like Jesus. Amen!
thanks shepherd for the email.
thanks shepherd for the email.
Friday, September 11
Extra butter
Im stuck. this damn exam is giving me a whirlwind of doubt and shame and all that good stuff. Along the side of the drama- filled relationship, Im just standing here. Everytime i think im doing something right in my life, or see that my life is not so bad- the bad becomes worse and the worse become horrible and et cetera, et cetera ,et cetera.
I have my first shepherding session in about an hour with Audrey. I dont want to pour my entire heart to her and have her freak out at me. Then again, ive been pouring out my heart and putting my heart on my sleeve and taking chances, gigantic leaps and end up still feel really alone and hurt half the time.
Here i am again at panera with another failing grade in life and all ican say is. Bring it. That's all i can say. Kanye did say that what dont kill me can only make me stronger. I just wish the stronger part came in alot sooner than later.
I will get through this. I really will. Even if it means to cut out the things and people i cherish the most to obtain it-- the few will understand and the others will probably freak. I just want someone to hold me right now and let me melt everything away. He is a promise maker and He will keep his promise. I know it, i know it.. i guess i just really have to believe it now. Its all or nothing now....
God.. make me melt.
I have my first shepherding session in about an hour with Audrey. I dont want to pour my entire heart to her and have her freak out at me. Then again, ive been pouring out my heart and putting my heart on my sleeve and taking chances, gigantic leaps and end up still feel really alone and hurt half the time.
Here i am again at panera with another failing grade in life and all ican say is. Bring it. That's all i can say. Kanye did say that what dont kill me can only make me stronger. I just wish the stronger part came in alot sooner than later.
I will get through this. I really will. Even if it means to cut out the things and people i cherish the most to obtain it-- the few will understand and the others will probably freak. I just want someone to hold me right now and let me melt everything away. He is a promise maker and He will keep his promise. I know it, i know it.. i guess i just really have to believe it now. Its all or nothing now....
God.. make me melt.
Monday, September 7
Ephphatha.
Mk 7:31-37
Again Jesus left the district of Tyreand went by way of Sidon to the Sea of Galilee,into the district of the Decapolis. And people brought to him a deaf man who had a speech impedimentand begged him to lay his hand on him.He took him off by himself away from the crowd. He put his finger into the man’s earsand, spitting, touched his tongue;then he looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him,“Ephphatha!”— that is, “Be opened!” —And immediately the man’s ears were opened,his speech impediment was removed,and he spoke plainly. He ordered them not to tell anyone. But the more he ordered them not to,the more they proclaimed it. They were exceedingly astonished and they said,“He has done all things well. He makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.”
On Sunday at mass, Father Victor touched based upon howm as humans, we have the ability to hear with our ears. We even have a set of ears for even a better way to hear sounds, words, voice et cetera. However, as we all hear externally, we also can hear internally- our conscience for one thing- telling us whats right and wrong- to tell us to drive forward or slow down. We can also hear God- what he wants and what is truly right for us as individuals and as one with Him. Alas, its the aspect of listening. We hear people but do we ever listen? I, for one, do not listen to alot of things and honestly, choose to be blatantly oblivious to the world around me. I guess you can say i waste my eyes and my ears and only use my mouth to stick lots and lots of food instead of using my lips to really express myself - my needs and my wants ( Morely, His needs and His wants that fulfill me) But, it is time to be open. To not close everyone out, especially Him, but to be open- i have my brown eyes and my ears to listen and to see and to take in.
I took the time to really listen yesterday and today and also took the time to reflect what has been going on in the past week ever since he had left for school. I went to BLD and found myself wanting to sign up for LSS. I knew that I needed to talk to Stephanie but no matter how much i stray from BLD and still do the things i do, i realized that i do need God in my life and i just feel way too ashamed to let Him back in my life.
I found out that deaths do come in 3s- RIP Courtney Tirri, Christine Muriano and to the person that meant something to the secretary at Kaplan. I wasnt close to any of the three, if anything Courtney, I actually spent time with and for some odd reason, i feel her pain. Christine Muriano was a daughter of a newly graduated Solo Parent Encounter class. I didnt want to go to her wake since i felt that it wouldve been rude to have gone not knowing her at all whatsoever, but they were my ride and i needed to go to BLD this past friday. I ended up singing during the service and ending up crying alot. The story behind her death is really sad and estranged. I pray for the family. The last person was a random but still had my heart feeling sad. He had died at the age of 26 from Cystic Fibrosis- a respiratory and gastrointestinal disease that many people do not survive past the age of 21 years old. The relation was the secretary at Kaplan, I had spoken to her and I ended up consoling her about her friend and in the end, I did actually make her feel better. I pray for all three and pray that God will take care of the rest:)
Im starting the LSS process and my hearts been beating me senselessly. Im scared to get hurt, im scared to fail [again], im scared to fall apart, im scared to lose myself. Im scared that im lost and im just attaching myself to anything that just stands.
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all
I see Painted faces fill the places
I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
and all you know
and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night while you live it up
I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me,
someone like me
Someone like me,
somebody
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Someone like you
somebody
Someone like you,
somebody
Someone like you
somebody
I've been roaming around,
I was looking down at all I see
<33 I really could use somebody. God- its just you and me.
Forever and a day,
April Dawn
Again Jesus left the district of Tyreand went by way of Sidon to the Sea of Galilee,into the district of the Decapolis. And people brought to him a deaf man who had a speech impedimentand begged him to lay his hand on him.He took him off by himself away from the crowd. He put his finger into the man’s earsand, spitting, touched his tongue;then he looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him,“Ephphatha!”— that is, “Be opened!” —And immediately the man’s ears were opened,his speech impediment was removed,and he spoke plainly. He ordered them not to tell anyone. But the more he ordered them not to,the more they proclaimed it. They were exceedingly astonished and they said,“He has done all things well. He makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.”
On Sunday at mass, Father Victor touched based upon howm as humans, we have the ability to hear with our ears. We even have a set of ears for even a better way to hear sounds, words, voice et cetera. However, as we all hear externally, we also can hear internally- our conscience for one thing- telling us whats right and wrong- to tell us to drive forward or slow down. We can also hear God- what he wants and what is truly right for us as individuals and as one with Him. Alas, its the aspect of listening. We hear people but do we ever listen? I, for one, do not listen to alot of things and honestly, choose to be blatantly oblivious to the world around me. I guess you can say i waste my eyes and my ears and only use my mouth to stick lots and lots of food instead of using my lips to really express myself - my needs and my wants ( Morely, His needs and His wants that fulfill me) But, it is time to be open. To not close everyone out, especially Him, but to be open- i have my brown eyes and my ears to listen and to see and to take in.
I took the time to really listen yesterday and today and also took the time to reflect what has been going on in the past week ever since he had left for school. I went to BLD and found myself wanting to sign up for LSS. I knew that I needed to talk to Stephanie but no matter how much i stray from BLD and still do the things i do, i realized that i do need God in my life and i just feel way too ashamed to let Him back in my life.
I found out that deaths do come in 3s- RIP Courtney Tirri, Christine Muriano and to the person that meant something to the secretary at Kaplan. I wasnt close to any of the three, if anything Courtney, I actually spent time with and for some odd reason, i feel her pain. Christine Muriano was a daughter of a newly graduated Solo Parent Encounter class. I didnt want to go to her wake since i felt that it wouldve been rude to have gone not knowing her at all whatsoever, but they were my ride and i needed to go to BLD this past friday. I ended up singing during the service and ending up crying alot. The story behind her death is really sad and estranged. I pray for the family. The last person was a random but still had my heart feeling sad. He had died at the age of 26 from Cystic Fibrosis- a respiratory and gastrointestinal disease that many people do not survive past the age of 21 years old. The relation was the secretary at Kaplan, I had spoken to her and I ended up consoling her about her friend and in the end, I did actually make her feel better. I pray for all three and pray that God will take care of the rest:)
Im starting the LSS process and my hearts been beating me senselessly. Im scared to get hurt, im scared to fail [again], im scared to fall apart, im scared to lose myself. Im scared that im lost and im just attaching myself to anything that just stands.
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all
I see Painted faces fill the places
I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
and all you know
and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night while you live it up
I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me,
someone like me
Someone like me,
somebody
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Someone like you
somebody
Someone like you,
somebody
Someone like you
somebody
I've been roaming around,
I was looking down at all I see
<33 I really could use somebody. God- its just you and me.
Forever and a day,
April Dawn
Tuesday, September 1
Wednesday, August 26
Saturday, August 22
swell season
Rotation: Falling Slowly//+ The Swell Season
its been a while since ive wrote something heartfelt. I dont know if what im about to write is heart felt but the is what my heart has been feeling....
summer has consisted of studying and seeing friends here and there. Meeting new ones, losing old ones, and watching all of them grow up. Ill be honest, as much as i hated buffalo and all that it has NOT to offer, it made me grow up so much and ill never forget what it has taught me. One thing though is that it still has not taught me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I remember learning that lesson a long time ago and still never listening to that- i was like an open book and if you got to know me then you got to read in between the lines as well as the lines themselves.
Im a mess right now, as Gary states it. With my father, the test and Steven- i have no room to relax, breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I will admit here that my dad is still being the selfish and spoiled person that he is, regardless that he is my father. His rants and outbursts hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. I remember running to a friend's car after he threw a drink in my face and pulled my hair. I want to leave. I want to leave. I really want to leave.
Ive been studying. I guess you know what that means however, i cant really let it get me down at all. It happens and besides im not the only one in the world that has. My father thinks that though.
Steven is leaving on thursday. Buffalo here he comes. The past few weeks have been really tough on me especially with us fighting alot. Regardless, he still doesnt learn how to think before he speaks and I have finall mastered the art of running away. Both are vicious cycles. Both are deadly. Both are killing whats left of this relationship. People can get mad at me for making him cry and people can get mad at him for making me cry but its up to our choosing whether what to do. I know buffalo really wont be easy especially with how much hurt is still residing in me, and how he has a tendency to blow things up out of proportion but maybe if we....oh wow, tearing in panera at 1138am.... sigh, ive suffered enough and i need an outlet. an honest outlet... i dont know what i need. But he is leaving and regardless--- i am so tired but.. i want us to work. I sincerely do love him and i want the two years to be peachy keen ( even though they wont)... but everything ive been through.. his face still remains in my head...
i spoke to my friend on the phone yesterday and she spoke to me about her boyfriend and how he has to remind himself constantly because he forgets her face... Im scared now. What if steven forgets me. Ive been going through so much and now its less than a week before he leaves. Please dont forget my face. I know that steven is not the perfect boyfriend.. but i dont need perfection, i just need him.
my heart is sinking. I can do this. Please help me get through this.
its been a while since ive wrote something heartfelt. I dont know if what im about to write is heart felt but the is what my heart has been feeling....
summer has consisted of studying and seeing friends here and there. Meeting new ones, losing old ones, and watching all of them grow up. Ill be honest, as much as i hated buffalo and all that it has NOT to offer, it made me grow up so much and ill never forget what it has taught me. One thing though is that it still has not taught me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I remember learning that lesson a long time ago and still never listening to that- i was like an open book and if you got to know me then you got to read in between the lines as well as the lines themselves.
Im a mess right now, as Gary states it. With my father, the test and Steven- i have no room to relax, breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I will admit here that my dad is still being the selfish and spoiled person that he is, regardless that he is my father. His rants and outbursts hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. I remember running to a friend's car after he threw a drink in my face and pulled my hair. I want to leave. I want to leave. I really want to leave.
Ive been studying. I guess you know what that means however, i cant really let it get me down at all. It happens and besides im not the only one in the world that has. My father thinks that though.
Steven is leaving on thursday. Buffalo here he comes. The past few weeks have been really tough on me especially with us fighting alot. Regardless, he still doesnt learn how to think before he speaks and I have finall mastered the art of running away. Both are vicious cycles. Both are deadly. Both are killing whats left of this relationship. People can get mad at me for making him cry and people can get mad at him for making me cry but its up to our choosing whether what to do. I know buffalo really wont be easy especially with how much hurt is still residing in me, and how he has a tendency to blow things up out of proportion but maybe if we....oh wow, tearing in panera at 1138am.... sigh, ive suffered enough and i need an outlet. an honest outlet... i dont know what i need. But he is leaving and regardless--- i am so tired but.. i want us to work. I sincerely do love him and i want the two years to be peachy keen ( even though they wont)... but everything ive been through.. his face still remains in my head...
i spoke to my friend on the phone yesterday and she spoke to me about her boyfriend and how he has to remind himself constantly because he forgets her face... Im scared now. What if steven forgets me. Ive been going through so much and now its less than a week before he leaves. Please dont forget my face. I know that steven is not the perfect boyfriend.. but i dont need perfection, i just need him.
my heart is sinking. I can do this. Please help me get through this.
Monday, August 10
Sunday, July 19
so this is it ...
its approximately 9:51pm, sunday, July 19th, 2009. I should be studying my last bits that i do not know but i decided to write in my blog prior to me going over my notebook and heading to bed.
i can do this. i can pass. i will pass. i will pass. i will pass.
its hard to be able to truly convey my feelings since my friend Nicole, that i met in my Kaplan class, has been drilling me nothing but positive notions about this exam [ thank you]. Today, I was able to reflect on myself and how far ive come these past years. Im not a selfish person in some ways, but i know that today was my selfish day. I was able to do about 90 more questions in my handy dandy notebook but today i really just let all the feelings run through me. From the beginning to waking up to my snoring boyfriend, to then going to church with Katie and her family, since my parents were gone for the day, and then heading to Perkins to eat strawberry crepes [with a side of bacon]. Once i got home, i cleaned and just sat on the couch with the television on and me just sitting still.
I went for a walk around sundown and didnt really think about anything but just breathed- Focused on the information that i came to see in the books and books and books i studied from and then started thinking about how much id really love to eat some spring rolls right now. Then i started just thinking about how im going to make my family proud, make my alma mater proud and make myself proud and especially God proud.
i may sound awkward making this exam a big deal, and people may not understand why its such a big deal. This test is the 4 years i sacrified in buffalo for. This is what my mother worked her extra hours, stretching and every single penny for me for. This is what i took tests on, and woke up for clinicals for, and wore see-through white scrubs for. This is what the rest of my life depends on. My hard work and my accomplishments are right here in front of me. I am defining myself. [& im still spinning circles ;)]
So even if some bad things have happened these past few weeks, and even if some people may not be there for me through this time, and even if i lose sleep and spend over $100 bucks in coffee/strawberry lemonade and panera and a pizza pretzels, i will get through this.
i will pass, i will succeed and i will get through this.
Dear Lord,
Stay by my side. I lay everything that is not of you down at your feet. I am ready and geared to take this exam with the confidence and knowledge ive built. Through you, I can do anything. I love you so much. Lord- thank you for the most wonderful parents- especially my mom- many many kudos to her. In this I pray,
Amen.
Its all written in heaven.
i can do this. i can pass. i will pass. i will pass. i will pass.
its hard to be able to truly convey my feelings since my friend Nicole, that i met in my Kaplan class, has been drilling me nothing but positive notions about this exam [ thank you]. Today, I was able to reflect on myself and how far ive come these past years. Im not a selfish person in some ways, but i know that today was my selfish day. I was able to do about 90 more questions in my handy dandy notebook but today i really just let all the feelings run through me. From the beginning to waking up to my snoring boyfriend, to then going to church with Katie and her family, since my parents were gone for the day, and then heading to Perkins to eat strawberry crepes [with a side of bacon]. Once i got home, i cleaned and just sat on the couch with the television on and me just sitting still.
I went for a walk around sundown and didnt really think about anything but just breathed- Focused on the information that i came to see in the books and books and books i studied from and then started thinking about how much id really love to eat some spring rolls right now. Then i started just thinking about how im going to make my family proud, make my alma mater proud and make myself proud and especially God proud.
i may sound awkward making this exam a big deal, and people may not understand why its such a big deal. This test is the 4 years i sacrified in buffalo for. This is what my mother worked her extra hours, stretching and every single penny for me for. This is what i took tests on, and woke up for clinicals for, and wore see-through white scrubs for. This is what the rest of my life depends on. My hard work and my accomplishments are right here in front of me. I am defining myself. [& im still spinning circles ;)]
So even if some bad things have happened these past few weeks, and even if some people may not be there for me through this time, and even if i lose sleep and spend over $100 bucks in coffee/strawberry lemonade and panera and a pizza pretzels, i will get through this.
i will pass, i will succeed and i will get through this.
Dear Lord,
Stay by my side. I lay everything that is not of you down at your feet. I am ready and geared to take this exam with the confidence and knowledge ive built. Through you, I can do anything. I love you so much. Lord- thank you for the most wonderful parents- especially my mom- many many kudos to her. In this I pray,
Amen.
Its all written in heaven.
Monday, July 6
whats your definition?
Love is you+// Chrisette Michele
I should be reading. I should be doing questions because my exam is close but i wanted to write this prior to my studying. Its time to reflect the fourth of 2009.
Thanks to Evelyn and for her covering for me, I was able to spend the weekend with Steven. I was able to meet a few of his paddling friends with their bbq and then spent the next day, which was our anniversary, watching a movie and going to a park and then going to this really pretty site where we got to see the bridge there in queens.
It was a beautiful weekend minus him pissing me off in front of his family and me imploding in his room to cool down. Common steven, a french fry? Despite it though, being with him makes me feel good. really good.
I remember when we were watching the fireworks on the rocks and holding him really tight. I made my decision, i guess, or did He? He's progressing and I really hope he thinks of me as worth it.
The days are starting to speed up and soon he'll be leaving back to Buffalo. Tears are already running down my face with the mere thought that he'll be gone. But he's always saying that its just me and only me and that he wont forget us. Im holding onto that. Im hoping that he wont let us fade.
Public Enemies was a swanky film- not the best with cinemotography however, the story line did follow and i did sincerely like it. a bit too long though. We watched that together. I like howq he kisses my head in the theatre- approximately a bajillion times. But the kisses felt sweet.
"what did i tell you?"
" dont come back for me, you'll get killed"
" what did i tell you"
" that you'll take care of me"
" then thats all you have to know"
happy fourth.
so now its time to buckle down, time to be on the grind. Pray that I take this challenge on with confidence and that i pass my exam. God- thank you for everything, for being my everything.
with love,
aprildawn.
I should be reading. I should be doing questions because my exam is close but i wanted to write this prior to my studying. Its time to reflect the fourth of 2009.
Thanks to Evelyn and for her covering for me, I was able to spend the weekend with Steven. I was able to meet a few of his paddling friends with their bbq and then spent the next day, which was our anniversary, watching a movie and going to a park and then going to this really pretty site where we got to see the bridge there in queens.
It was a beautiful weekend minus him pissing me off in front of his family and me imploding in his room to cool down. Common steven, a french fry? Despite it though, being with him makes me feel good. really good.
I remember when we were watching the fireworks on the rocks and holding him really tight. I made my decision, i guess, or did He? He's progressing and I really hope he thinks of me as worth it.
The days are starting to speed up and soon he'll be leaving back to Buffalo. Tears are already running down my face with the mere thought that he'll be gone. But he's always saying that its just me and only me and that he wont forget us. Im holding onto that. Im hoping that he wont let us fade.
Public Enemies was a swanky film- not the best with cinemotography however, the story line did follow and i did sincerely like it. a bit too long though. We watched that together. I like howq he kisses my head in the theatre- approximately a bajillion times. But the kisses felt sweet.
"what did i tell you?"
" dont come back for me, you'll get killed"
" what did i tell you"
" that you'll take care of me"
" then thats all you have to know"
happy fourth.
so now its time to buckle down, time to be on the grind. Pray that I take this challenge on with confidence and that i pass my exam. God- thank you for everything, for being my everything.
with love,
aprildawn.
Saturday, July 4
oula la.
happy anniversary steven.
as i watch you play ping pong with oula, i just hope you know i care so much and i love you with all my heart <33
i hope you know that im so in love with you.
as i watch you play ping pong with oula, i just hope you know i care so much and i love you with all my heart <33
i hope you know that im so in love with you.
Friday, July 3
shit.
1. PASS nclex.
2. study hard to PASS nclex
3. lose weight to look good for photo when i PASS nclex.
i feel like shit.
2. study hard to PASS nclex
3. lose weight to look good for photo when i PASS nclex.
i feel like shit.
Tuesday, June 30
gilmore girls.
" i thought you said they couldnt be together? Remember, the whole alternate dimension world."
"yea, but the wormholes. Its all about the wormholes"
"yea, but the wormholes. Its all about the wormholes"
Sunday, June 28
tissue, please.
today i went to mass and the homily was based on faith. "Faith- works so many wonders", its not about seeing but truly believing.
I feel like no matter how much i write about losing faith, or losing my insanity- no one is really hearing my cry. Im searching for something physical as opposed to something that is intangible. But maybe thats it, i NEED that something that is intangible but WANT something that is tangible. Joyful... this whole NCLEX ordeal is starting to drive me nuts. I say im gonna do this and do that but end up doing something completely different. Ive been reading but not doing questions & thats horrible. its like, im taking the first few steps but then i just stand there EXPECTING for everything else to happen. As if just a prayer and a few questions will keep me from failing. I need to do this on my own. I NEED THAT MOTIVATION.On the other hand, my body and mind are still elsewhere. The past few days have been sort of wretched. Im feeling so lost & crap and so far this journey that im trying to find the goodness is, is leading me in circles and circles. Im trying to find an outlet, trying to see a simple smile on a familiar face, something calming, something that leads to true.
I saw katie, a really good close jcpenney friend, yesterday and that probably was such a great time i had in a while. I mean, i have my good days, but katie and i completely bugged out and were mall rats the whole day from 245-7pm. Afterwards i forced myself to study like 150 pages of Kaplan, but yesterday was a Hairspray day. Was that my outlet? Was that my sign?
I AM SO BLIND.
God,
I guess its leading back to you . Im so confused and lost and scared and i need you to hold my hand. I know i sound like a kid, but i dont know how to convey these feelings that im feeling but im so sad all the time and i feel so depressed and i can't stop crying. Please help me to stop crying. I lay all of it, ALL OF IT, at Your feet. its all i can do, right now . Guide me.
Amen.
Tonight, you arrested my mind.
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me, Belief
Gavin Degraw
[thanks Kenneth for the song]
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me, Belief
Gavin Degraw
[thanks Kenneth for the song]
Monday, June 22
all written in heaven.
i started my first class for the nclex review and its filled with the usually staten island guidos and bimbos however i made 2 new friends to hopefully keep me from wringing one of those people's necks. I have class in about an hour and a half and i really do pray that these classes will teach me alot and prepare me to pass my nclex. i will pass, i will pass, i w i l l p a s s ...
My computer has now a new desk to finally rest itself on. See, the funny thing is, we did have my sister's old computer desk to use, but it didn't fit through the door, so we took apart the door and tried again -__________- no of course not. We took apart the computer table NOT knowing how to assemble it again and then of course we took it apart and then we attempted to put it back again but of course, then went to in shambles- the pegs broke, the screw fell in the many holes in this basement and i probably got over 6023676 splinters from that damn wood. So, we went to kmart and i bought a cheap desk. Putting it together wasnt TOO bad. only problem is, is that one of the screws broke, so my left side it probably a bit faulty so i try not to put anymore necessary pressure on the left side. And then we put the computer on and now it looks legit. Oh yea, the door, i lost two of the screws, so the door has only 4 bolts instead of 6. I am not a handy manny- i think i should watch that show more often though.
i feel like the past likes to come get me whenever things are either going really bad or really good. My past tends to dictate my next step and whether the past is THE PAST, it still has the strongest hold over me. Maybe its one of those things that makes me feel safe to go backwards instead of forwards. Think about it, going backwards just lets me retrace my steps and i know what happens, i know what is at the end of the tunnel-- why should i move forward when ive just been falling flat on my face?
but its life- i HAVE to move forward because if i don't- ill crumble. i need to keep walking straight and not looking back NO MATTER WHAT. but one question- what happens if you're moving forward and something or someone from your past is trying to be part of your present or your future again? is that fate? or a early sign that something really bad is going to happen to you?
lately, i havent been happy. ive been feeling sort of empty and weird. having my days just passing through me again. Ive lost my drive again, so im pushing forward to get it back again. im trying to find my happyness- although i struggle, i enjoy the challenge of finding happyness in my life. It really does open my eyes to what needs to be finished, started, opened and closed.
Today i stumbled on one of my old prayer meeting reflections through an old box of letters that ive kept since junior highschool. summer 2005 (18 years old)--
"All his days sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest- this is also vanity"
i've learned that when i worry, i think of the most horrible and pessimistic things and make myself worry even more. in other cases, i do things and accomplish things everyday- but when im finally and finally through- i still worry that it is not good enough. that maybe i made another mistake. but i forget the one true thing-- ITS ALL WRITTEN IN HEAVEN. what i need to do is to be able to really fully trust God and be able to take chance to leap with God. I just can't just give some to God and expect him to do his will with just a little of my faith- its ALL or NOTHING. He needs 100% not just 57 or 28 but 100%. I need to remember that everything that goes on in my life- is according to plan. God has mapped out what i truly need and not what i THINK i need. Things that make me, he has in store and things that are of this world- are discarded.
The gospel speaks, " you fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? thus will it before all who store up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God". With this saying, once things are prepared and made and finished- we must be able to stop worrying about the aftermath of it. We need to let it go and be able to move on. If we hold onto something so tight- it will never be able to become what its supposed to be. We make things so much more complicated than what it really is. I guess as human, we are never full satisfied- we always want more. But with all our faith, God will fully satisfy us. He'll take what we have prepare dand bring it to its full potential. We shouldnt worry about things in the future to the point where it may take a toll on us- God is always there- he's the reason why everything happens the way they are.
I pray that i get through all of this, with no regrets, no turning back. Lord- grab me.
My computer has now a new desk to finally rest itself on. See, the funny thing is, we did have my sister's old computer desk to use, but it didn't fit through the door, so we took apart the door and tried again -__________- no of course not. We took apart the computer table NOT knowing how to assemble it again and then of course we took it apart and then we attempted to put it back again but of course, then went to in shambles- the pegs broke, the screw fell in the many holes in this basement and i probably got over 6023676 splinters from that damn wood. So, we went to kmart and i bought a cheap desk. Putting it together wasnt TOO bad. only problem is, is that one of the screws broke, so my left side it probably a bit faulty so i try not to put anymore necessary pressure on the left side. And then we put the computer on and now it looks legit. Oh yea, the door, i lost two of the screws, so the door has only 4 bolts instead of 6. I am not a handy manny- i think i should watch that show more often though.
i feel like the past likes to come get me whenever things are either going really bad or really good. My past tends to dictate my next step and whether the past is THE PAST, it still has the strongest hold over me. Maybe its one of those things that makes me feel safe to go backwards instead of forwards. Think about it, going backwards just lets me retrace my steps and i know what happens, i know what is at the end of the tunnel-- why should i move forward when ive just been falling flat on my face?
but its life- i HAVE to move forward because if i don't- ill crumble. i need to keep walking straight and not looking back NO MATTER WHAT. but one question- what happens if you're moving forward and something or someone from your past is trying to be part of your present or your future again? is that fate? or a early sign that something really bad is going to happen to you?
lately, i havent been happy. ive been feeling sort of empty and weird. having my days just passing through me again. Ive lost my drive again, so im pushing forward to get it back again. im trying to find my happyness- although i struggle, i enjoy the challenge of finding happyness in my life. It really does open my eyes to what needs to be finished, started, opened and closed.
Today i stumbled on one of my old prayer meeting reflections through an old box of letters that ive kept since junior highschool. summer 2005 (18 years old)--
"All his days sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest- this is also vanity"
i've learned that when i worry, i think of the most horrible and pessimistic things and make myself worry even more. in other cases, i do things and accomplish things everyday- but when im finally and finally through- i still worry that it is not good enough. that maybe i made another mistake. but i forget the one true thing-- ITS ALL WRITTEN IN HEAVEN. what i need to do is to be able to really fully trust God and be able to take chance to leap with God. I just can't just give some to God and expect him to do his will with just a little of my faith- its ALL or NOTHING. He needs 100% not just 57 or 28 but 100%. I need to remember that everything that goes on in my life- is according to plan. God has mapped out what i truly need and not what i THINK i need. Things that make me, he has in store and things that are of this world- are discarded.
The gospel speaks, " you fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? thus will it before all who store up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God". With this saying, once things are prepared and made and finished- we must be able to stop worrying about the aftermath of it. We need to let it go and be able to move on. If we hold onto something so tight- it will never be able to become what its supposed to be. We make things so much more complicated than what it really is. I guess as human, we are never full satisfied- we always want more. But with all our faith, God will fully satisfy us. He'll take what we have prepare dand bring it to its full potential. We shouldnt worry about things in the future to the point where it may take a toll on us- God is always there- he's the reason why everything happens the way they are.
I pray that i get through all of this, with no regrets, no turning back. Lord- grab me.
Tuesday, June 16
dot to dot.
Sunday, June 14
feel like May
rotation +// 'til it happens to you Corinne Bailey Rae
its time to stop making excuses for this. i try and try, but i feel like im lying to myself constantly to save you, to save this. i just want to feel something, anything. PLEASE. I have faith, i believe and I pray. Abba Father- guide me and give me strength. I will get through this.
"who did you fuck to get in this situation?"
"myself"
-pelham 123
its time to stop making excuses for this. i try and try, but i feel like im lying to myself constantly to save you, to save this. i just want to feel something, anything. PLEASE. I have faith, i believe and I pray. Abba Father- guide me and give me strength. I will get through this.
"who did you fuck to get in this situation?"
"myself"
-pelham 123
Saturday, June 13
Thursday, June 11
with words unspoken
current rotation: Amy Winehouse //+ Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
so we've made it 7 months one week ago. yay. I guess i wanna write
c l o s e [v. klohz; adj., adv. klohs or, for 51, klohz; n. klohz for 59, 60, 63–65, 67, 68, klohs for 61, 62, 66] Show IPA verb, closed, clos⋅ing, adjective, clos⋅er, clos⋅est, adverb, noun: having the parts or elements near to one another: a close formation of battleships. to bring together the parts of; join; unite (often fol. by up): Close up those ranks! The surgeon closed the incision. close ranks, to unite forces, esp. by overlooking petty differences, in order to deal with an adverse or challenging situation; to join together in a show of unity, esp. to the public.
i told Steven that before he leaves for school for us to be close. We had a talk last Friday about being close and about trying to rekindle what we were before, before the fights, disagreements and whatever else. After he left for Florida, i realized that we can't go back to the past. It doesn't dictate the future of our relationship but the past does heavily influence the present. Its just become our nature that we're not that talkative anymore. We ask each other how our days are and we say our love yous and whatnot however, sometimes its just complete silence whether together or on the phone.
I admit it, i wish we did talk more and I know that he verbalized that too. But as the days have gone by, silence between us isn't bad. Ive always come to think that silence was bad, but silence isnt that bad. Maybe we're that couple that may not need words all the time to convey a "good loving" relationship. Maybe the silence is the okay that we're in the clear so stuff huffing and puffing you two and go on your merry way. Silence is comforting when he's around. Maybe its the unspoken language of love or something. A long time ago, a friend said, " i want my lover to be the girl that i can talk to for hours in a room with nothing but a bed and we just lie there for hours talking about everything and anything or lying down, hand in hand, saying nothing at all and yet, feel perfectly close"
I guess, I just get so caught up sometimes that fact that he's leaving again for Buffalo in a few months. It terrifies me. We dont get to see eachother much throughout the week and we're both sorta okay due to circumstances but being months apart and 6-8 hours away is a big more strenuous. I guess i feel that whole, " we're gonna be strangers, and he'll be in his world and i'll be in my world and we'll lose touch with each other". In fact sometimes, I feel we dont see eye with another and hence why it leads me back to the communication thing. But yes, I am completely and utterly afraid of all that will come once he drives back up to school. I think ive been hiding it and pretending that the idea doesnt exist. He may think that i think about it 24/7 but i actually ignore it all the time to prevent myself from crying and feeling sad about it. I actually lie to myself all the time about him leaving so that I can just focus on right now, and what happening in the current.
So rewind back...we may not be able to go in the past and be that couple where we talked and talked while barely we barely ate our expensive meals or ate that disgusting gargonzola salad, but we can start afresh? start again? start anew? just start?
& to be close, last you said " i fail", i'm just telling you, "we're getting there"- you can't expect to be close with just phone calls, but being close is alot deeper and it may not necessarily be the action that is being done to be close, but the motivation behind it to be "close".
So i pray, Jesus- be the one that binds us together and let it be according to Your will. Let Go, and Let You. You're the only one that understands why im going through such great heights for this. Please keep me. In this I pray, Amen.
forever and a day,
aprildawn
i told Steven that before he leaves for school for us to be close. We had a talk last Friday about being close and about trying to rekindle what we were before, before the fights, disagreements and whatever else. After he left for Florida, i realized that we can't go back to the past. It doesn't dictate the future of our relationship but the past does heavily influence the present. Its just become our nature that we're not that talkative anymore. We ask each other how our days are and we say our love yous and whatnot however, sometimes its just complete silence whether together or on the phone.
I guess, I just get so caught up sometimes that fact that he's leaving again for Buffalo in a few months. It terrifies me. We dont get to see eachother much throughout the week and we're both sorta okay due to circumstances but being months apart and 6-8 hours away is a big more strenuous. I guess i feel that whole, " we're gonna be strangers, and he'll be in his world and i'll be in my world and we'll lose touch with each other". In fact sometimes, I feel we dont see eye with another and hence why it leads me back to the communication thing. But yes, I am completely and utterly afraid of all that will come once he drives back up to school. I think ive been hiding it and pretending that the idea doesnt exist. He may think that i think about it 24/7 but i actually ignore it all the time to prevent myself from crying and feeling sad about it. I actually lie to myself all the time about him leaving so that I can just focus on right now, and what happening in the current.
So rewind back...we may not be able to go in the past and be that couple where we talked and talked while barely we barely ate our expensive meals or ate that disgusting gargonzola salad, but we can start afresh? start again? start anew? just start?
& to be close, last you said " i fail", i'm just telling you, "we're getting there"- you can't expect to be close with just phone calls, but being close is alot deeper and it may not necessarily be the action that is being done to be close, but the motivation behind it to be "close".So i pray, Jesus- be the one that binds us together and let it be according to Your will. Let Go, and Let You. You're the only one that understands why im going through such great heights for this. Please keep me. In this I pray, Amen.
forever and a day,
aprildawn
* for those that dont understand, just know that its the faith & hope thats keeping me forward . Someone has to have faith. its my drive.
* and for Steven. I hope you're having fun in Florida. I miss you much and hope you're safe. It may only be 7 months, but we've been through alot plus more. May we have 7 more.. 7 months, 7 years, 7 centures..and so on & so forth. So will you still love me tomorrow?
* and for Steven. I hope you're having fun in Florida. I miss you much and hope you're safe. It may only be 7 months, but we've been through alot plus more. May we have 7 more.. 7 months, 7 years, 7 centures..and so on & so forth. So will you still love me tomorrow?
triple...wwwwhhhhaaattt ? !
Lately, summer days have been a bit slower, a bit quieter and a bit more peaceful. Ive stayed home everyday this past week only going out to study for the NCLEX. Ive been studying for the past four days for the test. I would rather enjoy my last week prior to my review class basking under the sun, but mother nature has plans otherwise.
I had finally confirmed when I am taking the exam. Once I got the "Confirmation Appointment", i literally started hyperventilating and freaking out. THAT DAY. My judgment day. I only told one person because I tell them everything but i'll be keeping it a secret from the rest of the world. I really hope I do pass. The pressure that my family is putting on me, and the pressure i'm putting myself is making me want to strive and work harder to pass this 2 hundred something or hundred something or seventy something question exam the first time. After that, job hunting here I come!
Really, NYC- the legit place for "opportunity" has put the biggest BLOCK on job opportunities for us 2009 graduate nurses. Many of the kids in my class either are going back to Buffalo or just patiently waiting. Im searching all over and I do have a few places, but nothing is determined until I pass my NCLEX. I remember I went to the M15 Floor party at 92nd and 1st ave rooftop and it was alot of fun however, one of the nurses (which I never worked with) along with a couple of the PCAs were talking and I told them about the nursing hiring freeze and she replied, " wow, i guess we're lucky. That must really suck for you. See- i worked on the floor and i stayed on the floor- im so lucky" no shit, you stupid bitch. FML...but breathe april, you'll get a job and then "eat your heart out you middle- aged woman, you !"... JK, but seriously- i'm hopeful.
Another positive that comes out after I take the exam is that i'll be going to San Diego, CA. sweettt! Its a gift from my cousin, Rowie. We havent' seen eachother since I was in highschool. So it'll be really nice to relax since I havent had a vacation since Tampa. Ive been craving to go away with boyfriend, but boyfriend and I are B R O K E. So when I or he start working, hopefully we'll go somewhere nice. But when I go to San Diego i'll be dancing in dance classes. beaching. touristing. whichever amusement park-ing, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, getting brown and dancing. He's a big dancer and iLOVE to dance- so lets get down.
" but i feel the boring parts are the most memorable parts "Up 2009. Steven and I watched Up prior to him leaving for Florida and let me tell you- it was soooo good- like cake batter good. I cried in the beginning. It wasn't even like a simple tear cry, I was pretty much " streaming tears, baby hold me, silence though" cry. It was sad in a particular part. Disney still has its ways to touch people's hearts- young and old. No matter what, everyone should just watch it cos its good.
Ive been kinda lacking something inside. Sounds so emo however, I have. I don't know if i need validation or acceptance or some holiness but i'm lacking something. Last night, i couldnt sleep one bit. I wrote in my journal (hence the negligence of the blogspot) and I tossed and turned all night. Maybe it was the white chocolate mocha I had that might of caused it, which would suck cos im having another one right now and that is equivalent to another sleepless night but maybe i'm just thinking too much. But i feel like a lackee.
So today I went to a bra store to buy new bras and i got measured to make sure my bajungas didnt get bigger. See i can write about it here cos only like 2 people read this, so i'm okay. When the lady was measuring me for my club size she states " hmmm, i can't tell if you're a double D or a TRIPLE D " ...HOLY CRAP?! are you serious?! my boobs are like weapons now -_-. I am not stating if I did fit or did not fit the triple D bra but im telling you now- i'm getting a boob augmentation and i'm gonna be a size A. TRIPLE D ?! are you serious? i'm so glad i havent knocked anyone unconscious...yet.
april D D D awn
I had finally confirmed when I am taking the exam. Once I got the "Confirmation Appointment", i literally started hyperventilating and freaking out. THAT DAY. My judgment day. I only told one person because I tell them everything but i'll be keeping it a secret from the rest of the world. I really hope I do pass. The pressure that my family is putting on me, and the pressure i'm putting myself is making me want to strive and work harder to pass this 2 hundred something or hundred something or seventy something question exam the first time. After that, job hunting here I come!
Really, NYC- the legit place for "opportunity" has put the biggest BLOCK on job opportunities for us 2009 graduate nurses. Many of the kids in my class either are going back to Buffalo or just patiently waiting. Im searching all over and I do have a few places, but nothing is determined until I pass my NCLEX. I remember I went to the M15 Floor party at 92nd and 1st ave rooftop and it was alot of fun however, one of the nurses (which I never worked with) along with a couple of the PCAs were talking and I told them about the nursing hiring freeze and she replied, " wow, i guess we're lucky. That must really suck for you. See- i worked on the floor and i stayed on the floor- im so lucky" no shit, you stupid bitch. FML...but breathe april, you'll get a job and then "eat your heart out you middle- aged woman, you !"... JK, but seriously- i'm hopeful.
Another positive that comes out after I take the exam is that i'll be going to San Diego, CA. sweettt! Its a gift from my cousin, Rowie. We havent' seen eachother since I was in highschool. So it'll be really nice to relax since I havent had a vacation since Tampa. Ive been craving to go away with boyfriend, but boyfriend and I are B R O K E. So when I or he start working, hopefully we'll go somewhere nice. But when I go to San Diego i'll be dancing in dance classes. beaching. touristing. whichever amusement park-ing, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, getting brown and dancing. He's a big dancer and iLOVE to dance- so lets get down.
" but i feel the boring parts are the most memorable parts "Up 2009. Steven and I watched Up prior to him leaving for Florida and let me tell you- it was soooo good- like cake batter good. I cried in the beginning. It wasn't even like a simple tear cry, I was pretty much " streaming tears, baby hold me, silence though" cry. It was sad in a particular part. Disney still has its ways to touch people's hearts- young and old. No matter what, everyone should just watch it cos its good.
Ive been kinda lacking something inside. Sounds so emo however, I have. I don't know if i need validation or acceptance or some holiness but i'm lacking something. Last night, i couldnt sleep one bit. I wrote in my journal (hence the negligence of the blogspot) and I tossed and turned all night. Maybe it was the white chocolate mocha I had that might of caused it, which would suck cos im having another one right now and that is equivalent to another sleepless night but maybe i'm just thinking too much. But i feel like a lackee.
So today I went to a bra store to buy new bras and i got measured to make sure my bajungas didnt get bigger. See i can write about it here cos only like 2 people read this, so i'm okay. When the lady was measuring me for my club size she states " hmmm, i can't tell if you're a double D or a TRIPLE D " ...HOLY CRAP?! are you serious?! my boobs are like weapons now -_-. I am not stating if I did fit or did not fit the triple D bra but im telling you now- i'm getting a boob augmentation and i'm gonna be a size A. TRIPLE D ?! are you serious? i'm so glad i havent knocked anyone unconscious...yet.
april D D D awn
Wednesday, May 27
Tuesday, May 19
mushaboom.
me.
ohh stupid me.
no, i am not here to play the victim although i know ive mastered that role.
but on a serious note.
me
ive officially graduated. UB alum. Graduate RN Nurse. I am now an adult. with adult duties
i miss knowing that in 3 months i have to head back to buffalo but now im dealing with my boyfriend going back to school.
i miss my boyfriends and my friends and honestly, my freedom.
the freedom to renew, relax, rejuvenate and to replenish.
you know, for a while now ive always been complaining about how steven acts way to much like a kid, when little does he know it, im more jealous than anything. yes, sometimes i wish he'd be a bit more mature but i wish i can say that i lived my childhood life as good as he does. i remember when i was 8 and my dad was sick and then 10 when he had a triple by pass. i remember by 12 he couldnt work. and by 17 i started dating someone who sent me on a rollercoaster of death, cutting and hitting. i wish i can act the way he does but i cant. and the worst part is that its hard for me to even see eye to eye. i hope he understands that its hard to right now, but hopefully we'll get through it.
maybe im just a woman of faith. or maybe im just insane. but in the end, i just hope to be happy.
ohh stupid me.
no, i am not here to play the victim although i know ive mastered that role.
but on a serious note.
me
ive officially graduated. UB alum. Graduate RN Nurse. I am now an adult. with adult duties
i miss knowing that in 3 months i have to head back to buffalo but now im dealing with my boyfriend going back to school.
i miss my boyfriends and my friends and honestly, my freedom.
the freedom to renew, relax, rejuvenate and to replenish.
you know, for a while now ive always been complaining about how steven acts way to much like a kid, when little does he know it, im more jealous than anything. yes, sometimes i wish he'd be a bit more mature but i wish i can say that i lived my childhood life as good as he does. i remember when i was 8 and my dad was sick and then 10 when he had a triple by pass. i remember by 12 he couldnt work. and by 17 i started dating someone who sent me on a rollercoaster of death, cutting and hitting. i wish i can act the way he does but i cant. and the worst part is that its hard for me to even see eye to eye. i hope he understands that its hard to right now, but hopefully we'll get through it.
maybe im just a woman of faith. or maybe im just insane. but in the end, i just hope to be happy.
Friday, April 24
post birthday blues.
so yea, my birthday went to complete shipwreck.
(insert adjective here) birthday, to me.
i really really REALLY hope that the next few days are brighter and better just like the weather.
--- thanks for the kiehls, uyees, hot almond bubble tea and a nostalgic song- it salvaged me for the most part. love yous.
(insert adjective here) birthday, to me.
i really really REALLY hope that the next few days are brighter and better just like the weather.
--- thanks for the kiehls, uyees, hot almond bubble tea and a nostalgic song- it salvaged me for the most part. love yous.
Wednesday, April 22
night shift.
so its 1250am on April 22nd, 2009 and I am here at Memorial Sloan- Kettering Cancer Center doing my first night shift. YAAAAAWWWWNNN. I am so tired and it's not even 1am yet. Funny thing is, if I were in Buffalo i'd be up until atleast 3 or 4 talking to steven or being on fbook or reading a book. I have a total of 7 patients tonight with my preceptor. She's cool and she doesn't reprimand me if i do something wrong unlike my main preceptor. See, i'm on day 6 for this 120 hour/10 day preceptorship and my day preceptor doesn't like me- or probably thinks i'm incompetent as a nurse. Kinda hurts you know? Ive worked so hard for 4 years and my nurse, without even testing my skills, automatically assumed that i suck at this nursing gig. But this preceptor is nice and she keeps asking me if i ate already, but i'm not really hungry, just sleepy. m15. colorectal/GMT [ gastric meets tumor] floor. It is pretty interesting and i'm learning about different diseases but all in all, i still feel a little frustrated with not getting to do anything. But the other nurses are nice and they know their stuff. I hope i can be like them after i graduate, and pass my nclex and all that shabang.
can you believe it, ma?! i'm graduating in about 2 weeks. I am the first santos to be of a medical profession. I know that i'm not graduating with honors, but i feel so honored to be graduating. I love it. To be honest, i dont care- my sister and brother didn't graduate with honors, but we all graduated- well, i'm soon to be. it's bliss i tell you, pure bliss...
its tomorrow. my 22nd birthday is tomorrow. they say after 21, its all downhill from here- but i'm hoping for an uphill climb instead. ive been reflecting lately on how much i've changed again throughout the year using my music in order to categorize every "life changing" moment of my so-called life. i feel like i've grown but also not grown- i feel as if i made the same mistakes, if not, made worse mistakes throughout year 21. Gotten close to some, lost touch with so many. Won some, lost some. Kissed and hugged, cried and laughed and that whole whateverness. but, im amazed. i'm proud of myself for making it through so far, knowing about all the things ive been through.
A few days ago, i felt like i was sinking. I don't know about the future due to the nursing shortage, my family is still in crisis, my preceptor hates me but she determines my grade, my loves are so far away, and he is so far away. all i just want is for everything to work out.
i had a patient the other day who has anal cancer metastasizing to the liver. She's really sick and her husband is with her 24/7. It was pretty- to see him for her. He got on one knee just to put her panties on-- i know it sounds lame, but i mean, sometimes we forget how easy it is to put on panties or pants on until you lose what you take for granted what you have From her, i became really appreciate of the people who made sure my panties were always on straight (hypothetically, speaking).
i pray that my birthday will be beautiful, like i always do. I don't know what to ask for really, except to blow candles on my birthday (among other materialistic things, that i don't want to say cos i'll look like a materialistic bastard). I want my wishes to come true. Wait, is that against my religion? Well then again, God gave me a birthday, so im assuming he knows the whole candle= wish ordeal. But i hope to be able to feel like its my day and that nothing and i mean nothing, can take that away from me.
dear God,
thank you for keeping my panties on. Amen.
Ask, and you shall recieve.
can you believe it, ma?! i'm graduating in about 2 weeks. I am the first santos to be of a medical profession. I know that i'm not graduating with honors, but i feel so honored to be graduating. I love it. To be honest, i dont care- my sister and brother didn't graduate with honors, but we all graduated- well, i'm soon to be. it's bliss i tell you, pure bliss...
its tomorrow. my 22nd birthday is tomorrow. they say after 21, its all downhill from here- but i'm hoping for an uphill climb instead. ive been reflecting lately on how much i've changed again throughout the year using my music in order to categorize every "life changing" moment of my so-called life. i feel like i've grown but also not grown- i feel as if i made the same mistakes, if not, made worse mistakes throughout year 21. Gotten close to some, lost touch with so many. Won some, lost some. Kissed and hugged, cried and laughed and that whole whateverness. but, im amazed. i'm proud of myself for making it through so far, knowing about all the things ive been through.
A few days ago, i felt like i was sinking. I don't know about the future due to the nursing shortage, my family is still in crisis, my preceptor hates me but she determines my grade, my loves are so far away, and he is so far away. all i just want is for everything to work out.
i had a patient the other day who has anal cancer metastasizing to the liver. She's really sick and her husband is with her 24/7. It was pretty- to see him for her. He got on one knee just to put her panties on-- i know it sounds lame, but i mean, sometimes we forget how easy it is to put on panties or pants on until you lose what you take for granted what you have From her, i became really appreciate of the people who made sure my panties were always on straight (hypothetically, speaking).
i pray that my birthday will be beautiful, like i always do. I don't know what to ask for really, except to blow candles on my birthday (among other materialistic things, that i don't want to say cos i'll look like a materialistic bastard). I want my wishes to come true. Wait, is that against my religion? Well then again, God gave me a birthday, so im assuming he knows the whole candle= wish ordeal. But i hope to be able to feel like its my day and that nothing and i mean nothing, can take that away from me.
dear God,
thank you for keeping my panties on. Amen.
Ask, and you shall recieve.
Tuesday, April 7
final.
my final is in 2 hours in south campus. I am scared. Please help me pass, God.
on the other hand.
Who would think it would snow in April? It's just simply lovely.
on the other hand.
Who would think it would snow in April? It's just simply lovely.
Publish Post
Sunday, April 5
get diggy with it
No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.
Saturday, April 4
wenckebach
My oh my, it is now 3:09pm and I still haven't opened the binder full of notes for my FINAL exam on Tuesday. Holy jeebus...
This last week of classes have been amazing. Last day of lecture, last day of clinical, last time to wake up at 5am, well really at 610am to get into Adam's car by 620am and him pulling me out of the car to go to clinical. Last eboard meeting, last this and last that-- its time for the next chapter of my life...
"all we have to do it is take a test in order or us to take a test and go through 120 hours to graduate"
So now its time to buckle down and study 14 weeks multiply that of 4 hours of lecture each week = 56 hours of lecture to study in 3 days.
I know i can do this. I know i can make it.
Lord,
Almost there. Thank you for getting me through everything so far. Please stay by my side and help my mind let go of what is not necessary and focus on only YOU. Let's spin circles together.
In this i pray,
Amen.
later days...
april.
This last week of classes have been amazing. Last day of lecture, last day of clinical, last time to wake up at 5am, well really at 610am to get into Adam's car by 620am and him pulling me out of the car to go to clinical. Last eboard meeting, last this and last that-- its time for the next chapter of my life...
"all we have to do it is take a test in order or us to take a test and go through 120 hours to graduate"
So now its time to buckle down and study 14 weeks multiply that of 4 hours of lecture each week = 56 hours of lecture to study in 3 days.
I know i can do this. I know i can make it.
Lord,
Almost there. Thank you for getting me through everything so far. Please stay by my side and help my mind let go of what is not necessary and focus on only YOU. Let's spin circles together.
In this i pray,
Amen.
later days...
april.
Sunday, March 29
run, dont walk.
Today marks 1 week and 2 days until my final. Today marks 1 week and 4 days until i depart with jetblue to start my preceptorship at Sloan on Friday at 1130- 330. It really is now a count down.
Oh don't worry, i havent packed, bid my see you laters, or studied for my final. But i can tell you that i'l growing my nails... once again, let the resolution rise...
So much has happened in the past few months that i've only been able to touch base with in this blogspot. Last night was my last banquet in buffalo. I went to the AASU banquet and once again, love was tested. I don't know how to explain this situation but i know i can relate to the people that didn't want to dance---i was scared. But with good friends and forgiveness at his right side, i was able to leave smiling.
I don't think i'm able to recover fully from all the things that have bam whammed me in the face. But i know that i can still move forward and spin circles around it too while im at it. When my friend Adam was salsa spinning me last night, i felt like i was floating away from all the bad stuff, and also felt like my guard was coming down again. I don't do salsa, but for some reason, i just wanted something out of my element to snap me back into my element.
I think thats what it is, falling out of my element. I can get angry, and sad and even frustrated, but that just added to me getting out of my element. Now, i can see & now its time to get back into my element. Too bad, i can't remember what my element is exactly.
One phrase keeps ringing in my head though-- " i know, but she's not really gonna go anywhere in life with that"; hmmpherdink. I make decisions solely on the fact that it can protect me. It will protect me; and people should respect that- no matter what they think and no matter what they want. alyssa is right, should i kill myself again for someone who is only wanting my presence for their happiness? i thought so.
i decided to plan something really special before i leave. i just need a car and a brain.
i'll edit and write more later. dance time.
God,
help me spin circles... like a ninja.
april
Oh don't worry, i havent packed, bid my see you laters, or studied for my final. But i can tell you that i'l growing my nails... once again, let the resolution rise...
So much has happened in the past few months that i've only been able to touch base with in this blogspot. Last night was my last banquet in buffalo. I went to the AASU banquet and once again, love was tested. I don't know how to explain this situation but i know i can relate to the people that didn't want to dance---i was scared. But with good friends and forgiveness at his right side, i was able to leave smiling.
I don't think i'm able to recover fully from all the things that have bam whammed me in the face. But i know that i can still move forward and spin circles around it too while im at it. When my friend Adam was salsa spinning me last night, i felt like i was floating away from all the bad stuff, and also felt like my guard was coming down again. I don't do salsa, but for some reason, i just wanted something out of my element to snap me back into my element.
I think thats what it is, falling out of my element. I can get angry, and sad and even frustrated, but that just added to me getting out of my element. Now, i can see & now its time to get back into my element. Too bad, i can't remember what my element is exactly.
One phrase keeps ringing in my head though-- " i know, but she's not really gonna go anywhere in life with that"; hmmpherdink. I make decisions solely on the fact that it can protect me. It will protect me; and people should respect that- no matter what they think and no matter what they want. alyssa is right, should i kill myself again for someone who is only wanting my presence for their happiness? i thought so.
i decided to plan something really special before i leave. i just need a car and a brain.
i'll edit and write more later. dance time.
God,
help me spin circles... like a ninja.
april
Saturday, March 28
jean.
"83 year old caucasian female status post motor vehicle accident. L rib fracture, L clavicle fracture, L knee fracture, L tibula/fibula fracture, L pneumothorax. Trach size 6, Flexi Flo with Jevity 1.5 running at 55 cc/ hr. Bowel and Bladder incontinent. No foley. She's a keeper"
i never cried for a patient before. Never cried in clinical either. But to 757, i cried my brains out.
You dont meet peoplke everyday that work their hardest. Then again, you dont meet people who are 83 and mistaken the gas for the brake. Its different you know? The older we get the more things seem to be a blur, whereas when we were children, everything was clearcut- black and white.
I felt like no matter what i did for her, things never got to get better. I knew what i had to do however, i felt like i wasnt making a difference. It's not like she was a difficult patient, meaning she wasn't needy, but she was , in fact, needy. She was constantly pooping every 3 seconds and peeing all over herself and i still do not understand why she was not on a foley or that they discontinued her foley.
14 times. i counted. 14 times i had to turn her and change her and wipe her and cause more and more pain to the poor lady. She had an excoriation on her rectum, so everytime i wiped her- it irritated it even more to the point where it started bleeding. So i, like the weak one i normally am, started crying. I couldn't help it. I was frustrated and i wanted to help, but i felt like iwas just making her worse.
After sobbing my eyes out, i spoke to the doctor and he gave me the a ok for the foley. I did it successfully. She kept pooping bit by bit, but we gave ehr a suppository and she was able to rest esy after i left.
The next morning, they told me she was going to acute rehab. That means, she was getting better. I remember coming into her room, and she looked a million times better than yesterday. Still pooping, but smiling. I told her the good news and she told me that she was gonna miss me. She told my teacher that i was gonna be a good nurse. And the staff told my teacher that i am too compassionate at times, but its nice to see that in the newer generations. My teacher relayed that all to me and included " you're too hard on yourself. You beat yourself way too much. Don't worry". Alas, i got her washed, and ready, and bid my goodbye to her. I don't think i'll forget what she taught me. I don't think i'll foget the glasses that probably see into the future and how they magnified her tears when she was in pain. I don't think i'll forget the weak but sweet hug she attempted to give.
I feel lke i lost so much of me, and everyday the more i look at it, i feel like i keep losing touch within myself. Thanks 757, for reminding me that im still there, in some way.
God,
thanks.
april dawn.
i never cried for a patient before. Never cried in clinical either. But to 757, i cried my brains out.
You dont meet peoplke everyday that work their hardest. Then again, you dont meet people who are 83 and mistaken the gas for the brake. Its different you know? The older we get the more things seem to be a blur, whereas when we were children, everything was clearcut- black and white.
I felt like no matter what i did for her, things never got to get better. I knew what i had to do however, i felt like i wasnt making a difference. It's not like she was a difficult patient, meaning she wasn't needy, but she was , in fact, needy. She was constantly pooping every 3 seconds and peeing all over herself and i still do not understand why she was not on a foley or that they discontinued her foley.
14 times. i counted. 14 times i had to turn her and change her and wipe her and cause more and more pain to the poor lady. She had an excoriation on her rectum, so everytime i wiped her- it irritated it even more to the point where it started bleeding. So i, like the weak one i normally am, started crying. I couldn't help it. I was frustrated and i wanted to help, but i felt like iwas just making her worse.
After sobbing my eyes out, i spoke to the doctor and he gave me the a ok for the foley. I did it successfully. She kept pooping bit by bit, but we gave ehr a suppository and she was able to rest esy after i left.
The next morning, they told me she was going to acute rehab. That means, she was getting better. I remember coming into her room, and she looked a million times better than yesterday. Still pooping, but smiling. I told her the good news and she told me that she was gonna miss me. She told my teacher that i was gonna be a good nurse. And the staff told my teacher that i am too compassionate at times, but its nice to see that in the newer generations. My teacher relayed that all to me and included " you're too hard on yourself. You beat yourself way too much. Don't worry". Alas, i got her washed, and ready, and bid my goodbye to her. I don't think i'll forget what she taught me. I don't think i'll foget the glasses that probably see into the future and how they magnified her tears when she was in pain. I don't think i'll forget the weak but sweet hug she attempted to give.
I feel lke i lost so much of me, and everyday the more i look at it, i feel like i keep losing touch within myself. Thanks 757, for reminding me that im still there, in some way.
God,
thanks.
april dawn.
Thursday, March 19
limited time only.
you work. work so hard. to have things go according to plan. making sure every decision is precise and correct to adjust themselves to the little corners of our very lives. You make every decision based on its idealistic consequences and cross your fingers for the best.
But when things dont go according to the way its supposed to, those corners don't seem to hit perfection anymore. Everything is out of place, you feel a bit queasy, and overall time always feels like its flashed forward so quick that you dont even know what hit you.
So you adjust to the new change, even when change is not welcome and again you have idealistic hopes and once again, cross your fingers for the best.
But what if its not you? What if its around you- the environment, the people. You make a decision HOPING it would turn out for the best and then turns to complete shit, and to make matters worst, everything else decides to fall on you.
Then you nit- pick and blame everything on your own. You question and analyze non-stop all the things that could've happen, or should've happen but didn't happen.
But through all that time of never truly accepting whats in front of you and never trying to adjust what can be changed, you waste all precious time that could be used for something a bit more reconstructive.
In all honesty, i dont have much time left here in buffalo and if people can't get through little arguments and tension then next thing you know it, i'll be gone before anything can be reconciled. I can face the sad glares and the awkward stares. I can face the silent treatment and i can face whatever else is thrown. But what i dont want to face is someone failing to realize that im right here, right now and trying so hard to make the best of things before i leave.
I used to hate buffalo, and now i dont want to go home because i don't want to face the hurt that the tristate area has given me. Yes, suffering is a part of life- but just for the next few months, i'd like to just stay steady and focus and stop getting knocked over but heinous people.
Im right here, right now- please, don't wait until im gone. I can't take time back and for every second i type this, its another second i am still not with you. and i mean w i t h y o u.
God,
i just pray for warmth and love. your love.
forever and a day,
april dawn
But when things dont go according to the way its supposed to, those corners don't seem to hit perfection anymore. Everything is out of place, you feel a bit queasy, and overall time always feels like its flashed forward so quick that you dont even know what hit you.
So you adjust to the new change, even when change is not welcome and again you have idealistic hopes and once again, cross your fingers for the best.
But what if its not you? What if its around you- the environment, the people. You make a decision HOPING it would turn out for the best and then turns to complete shit, and to make matters worst, everything else decides to fall on you.
Then you nit- pick and blame everything on your own. You question and analyze non-stop all the things that could've happen, or should've happen but didn't happen.
But through all that time of never truly accepting whats in front of you and never trying to adjust what can be changed, you waste all precious time that could be used for something a bit more reconstructive.
In all honesty, i dont have much time left here in buffalo and if people can't get through little arguments and tension then next thing you know it, i'll be gone before anything can be reconciled. I can face the sad glares and the awkward stares. I can face the silent treatment and i can face whatever else is thrown. But what i dont want to face is someone failing to realize that im right here, right now and trying so hard to make the best of things before i leave.
I used to hate buffalo, and now i dont want to go home because i don't want to face the hurt that the tristate area has given me. Yes, suffering is a part of life- but just for the next few months, i'd like to just stay steady and focus and stop getting knocked over but heinous people.
Im right here, right now- please, don't wait until im gone. I can't take time back and for every second i type this, its another second i am still not with you. and i mean w i t h y o u.
God,
i just pray for warmth and love. your love.
forever and a day,
april dawn
Monday, March 16
Monday, March 2
tony isidro.
message 1:
Subject: APRIL!
Hey Best Friend..
Thank you so much for being there for me April Santos! It's been a really crazy few months and I'm trying to establish a level or normalcy which is proving to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm kind of waiting adrift on an oarless boat in the middle of the ocean right now just waiting for my signal. A flickering light in somewhere in the 360 degrees of horizon out there.
But don't forget that I can never forget about you.. Like ever! You and I will always be in this together and I miss you and I love you and I just wish all the good things in life for you this year.
message 2:
I'm totally out of it with Facebook.. the new format is so different it's kind of confusing. I know I haven't been accessible to anyone for a while, and it totally sucks but I'm really going places in life.. I know I am. I'll be paving the way for a better more stable future that I hope you'll be a big part of. It'll be awesome. I was in Manila for a while but now I'm DE with a cousin of mine trying to take care of so many things at the same time. But it's nothing special; everyone needs to juggle different aspects in their lives in order to find equilibrium you know? Emotionally I'm pretty stable, grounded and calculated. I wish I could say the same about other aspects. But I can't complain..
But what about you? I want to hear about all those crazy things that happened in detail. I know the ever-present distance between us is a major hindrance, but whenever you want to cry or feel sad if you want you can sharpie my name to one of your pillows and hug me whenever. Distance? Bah. Distance schmistance.
Speaking of distance, I think we've come a long way. I guess so far that it's kind of hard to hold onto memories that were once so clear to me. Memories of when I was just a kid. Names, faces, colors and shapes and sounds are fading away as the years accumulate behind me.
I'm not or at least I sincerely hope I'm not the same guy you used know in his late awkward teens trying to figure himself out. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. But if you really step back and think about it, it really hasn't been that far. I suppose I'm constantly reminding myself how young we really are. 50 years from now I have a feeling that I'll be at a get-together meeting a person who brings up your name in conversation and I'll say "April? April Santos? Oh I was just with her last weekend! We were chucking jello-filled water balloons at the paparazzi. Yeah she's awesome!" And if you think of it that way it's not just us that are young, but our friendship you know? This 7 year old friendship of ours is just the very very beginning. I know it. What I don't know is how the heck I got so lucky.
times like these make me smile, especially prior to an exam. Past few weeks have been going so fast that i feel like im living them whole heartedly, but i feel like i can't full breathe in all that is happening around me. Fiesta was a success, Ball was beautiful and Valentine's Day was bliss.
Thank you God for providing me the strength to get through what i needed to go through. Thank you for the hard times but most of all staying close to me when i was breaking apart to a million pieces. I would go into detail much more but i have a large exam that i must do well on in less than 24 hours, but know that i am content right now.
Yes, there are some holes that still have managed to be kept open, but in my heart lies its space for forgiveness and for fullfillment once again.
forever & a day,
aprildawn.
ps. maybe tony is right, distance schmistance.
Subject: APRIL!
Hey Best Friend..
Thank you so much for being there for me April Santos! It's been a really crazy few months and I'm trying to establish a level or normalcy which is proving to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm kind of waiting adrift on an oarless boat in the middle of the ocean right now just waiting for my signal. A flickering light in somewhere in the 360 degrees of horizon out there.
But don't forget that I can never forget about you.. Like ever! You and I will always be in this together and I miss you and I love you and I just wish all the good things in life for you this year.
message 2:
I'm totally out of it with Facebook.. the new format is so different it's kind of confusing. I know I haven't been accessible to anyone for a while, and it totally sucks but I'm really going places in life.. I know I am. I'll be paving the way for a better more stable future that I hope you'll be a big part of. It'll be awesome. I was in Manila for a while but now I'm DE with a cousin of mine trying to take care of so many things at the same time. But it's nothing special; everyone needs to juggle different aspects in their lives in order to find equilibrium you know? Emotionally I'm pretty stable, grounded and calculated. I wish I could say the same about other aspects. But I can't complain..
But what about you? I want to hear about all those crazy things that happened in detail. I know the ever-present distance between us is a major hindrance, but whenever you want to cry or feel sad if you want you can sharpie my name to one of your pillows and hug me whenever. Distance? Bah. Distance schmistance.
Speaking of distance, I think we've come a long way. I guess so far that it's kind of hard to hold onto memories that were once so clear to me. Memories of when I was just a kid. Names, faces, colors and shapes and sounds are fading away as the years accumulate behind me.
I'm not or at least I sincerely hope I'm not the same guy you used know in his late awkward teens trying to figure himself out. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. But if you really step back and think about it, it really hasn't been that far. I suppose I'm constantly reminding myself how young we really are. 50 years from now I have a feeling that I'll be at a get-together meeting a person who brings up your name in conversation and I'll say "April? April Santos? Oh I was just with her last weekend! We were chucking jello-filled water balloons at the paparazzi. Yeah she's awesome!" And if you think of it that way it's not just us that are young, but our friendship you know? This 7 year old friendship of ours is just the very very beginning. I know it. What I don't know is how the heck I got so lucky.
times like these make me smile, especially prior to an exam. Past few weeks have been going so fast that i feel like im living them whole heartedly, but i feel like i can't full breathe in all that is happening around me. Fiesta was a success, Ball was beautiful and Valentine's Day was bliss.
Thank you God for providing me the strength to get through what i needed to go through. Thank you for the hard times but most of all staying close to me when i was breaking apart to a million pieces. I would go into detail much more but i have a large exam that i must do well on in less than 24 hours, but know that i am content right now.
Yes, there are some holes that still have managed to be kept open, but in my heart lies its space for forgiveness and for fullfillment once again.
forever & a day,
aprildawn.
ps. maybe tony is right, distance schmistance.
Saturday, February 21
Sunday, February 8
2 months.
as of 12:00 AM today, it had come to me that today marks the 2 months before i say see you at graduation Buffalo, hello Memorial Sloan- Kettering Cancer Institute. See, for the last bits and pieces of the UB School of Nursing curriculum we must choose a hospital to do our preceptorship for 4 weeks, equivalent to 120 hours of being a nurse. We were allowed to do it anywhere we wanted, or anywhere that actually would take us. So my top three choices were Memorial Sloan- Kettering, Mt. Sinai Hospital and Robert Wood Johnson. I received my 1st choice and alas i will be heading back to downstate to fulfill my final requirement before i finally become a graduate of 2009 here at UB. Don't get me wrong, i still have my 10 grueling weeks left of clinical, lecture, seminar and management but i can finally say it, " i am REALLY almost there"
from references to signed_velocious & sassy_santos & even x_luminosity, my stay here in Buffalo has had its extremes of downs & beautiful ups. However, I will not forget all that Buffalo has taught me so far & what it still has left in store for me before i leave. I hope i can take all i can and learn as much as i can to prepare me for the world outside the campus walls and outside the soft sheets of the Santos household.
I am not fixated on the fact that I am graduating and leaving everything & everyone here. I think i am moving forward and i need to make sure my mind, heart and spirit is moving forward as well. I slowly am getting myself back to the way i used to be prior to the broken heart, but part of me still feels a bit dead from all the hurt and pain and as much as a itry to revive it-- it only has its one way to be alive again, but I, myself, am not the answer to this puzzle. Someone has the answer, someone has that key & someone needs to find me.
I will miss the few lovers i have here and the ones that have stayed by my side since the beginning of the downfall in my life, but know that i will never forget them. If anything, i just keep them with me at all times, remembering the times they gave those famous hugs, and came to me when i fell to pieces, and times when they wiped my tears, or cried with me, or even the times they held my hand and made me laugh so hard that i couldnt move my jaw. Those are the few i can never forget and hold their memory so dear to me.
I wont forget the ones that also have hurt me so much either, teaching me that sometimes that you either gotta fight harder or not fight at all because maybe, just maybe, its not your battle to fight--but theirs.
So these next two months, i pray for the best next greatest 2 months of college i could ever have- embracing opportunities to make my day a little brighter and little less stressful. I expect nothing but the best because i know i deserve the best, as well as everyone in the world. EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD DESERVES THE BEST IN EVERYTHING THAT THEY ENCOUNTER, the best for them as well as the best for me.
So i humbly ask to protect me, Father.
from references to signed_velocious & sassy_santos & even x_luminosity, my stay here in Buffalo has had its extremes of downs & beautiful ups. However, I will not forget all that Buffalo has taught me so far & what it still has left in store for me before i leave. I hope i can take all i can and learn as much as i can to prepare me for the world outside the campus walls and outside the soft sheets of the Santos household.
I am not fixated on the fact that I am graduating and leaving everything & everyone here. I think i am moving forward and i need to make sure my mind, heart and spirit is moving forward as well. I slowly am getting myself back to the way i used to be prior to the broken heart, but part of me still feels a bit dead from all the hurt and pain and as much as a itry to revive it-- it only has its one way to be alive again, but I, myself, am not the answer to this puzzle. Someone has the answer, someone has that key & someone needs to find me.
I will miss the few lovers i have here and the ones that have stayed by my side since the beginning of the downfall in my life, but know that i will never forget them. If anything, i just keep them with me at all times, remembering the times they gave those famous hugs, and came to me when i fell to pieces, and times when they wiped my tears, or cried with me, or even the times they held my hand and made me laugh so hard that i couldnt move my jaw. Those are the few i can never forget and hold their memory so dear to me.
I wont forget the ones that also have hurt me so much either, teaching me that sometimes that you either gotta fight harder or not fight at all because maybe, just maybe, its not your battle to fight--but theirs.
So these next two months, i pray for the best next greatest 2 months of college i could ever have- embracing opportunities to make my day a little brighter and little less stressful. I expect nothing but the best because i know i deserve the best, as well as everyone in the world. EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD DESERVES THE BEST IN EVERYTHING THAT THEY ENCOUNTER, the best for them as well as the best for me.
So i humbly ask to protect me, Father.
Sunday, February 1
sunday morning.
so here i am, once again at Capen, making an attempt to do a until 12oclock study session for myself. Seriously, i do not know what is going but my head is not straight. I feel constantly tired, anxious and feeling so lackadasical. It's odd. I mean, I could put my finger on the reasons why this could be happening but then again it leads all back to me-- letting it all get to me.
Last night I went to a breakdancing competition in downtown, Buffalo. No lie, i loved it. I had went with Nancy and met up with my friend Andy there, and even ended up seeing my future aasu dancers too. It started about 730ish and ended about 1145 however no complaints here because it was awesome. I had a great time bonding with Nancy and the others and just watching the dancers strutting their stuff. I give them massive props for practicing hours upon hours and the DJ spinning all those tracks was great too. The atmosphere was a 2nd floor dance studio where there was graffiti on the wall and just a bunch of mirrors that were leaning against the wall along with a bookcase of old vinyl records like Supertramp and Le Freak. The people there were nice and all were friendly with one another- coming from Syracuse, Canada, Rochester and my temporary hometown Buffalo. I saw massive amount of pop & lockers displaying their own personal flavor to each hit and snap, kick and pump- massive props to Poppin Fresh and Fusion for making it to the finals. Then the breakers themselves were great-- all of them b-boys and b-girls were doing stances like no tomorrow and their footwork was ridiculous. All were exentuating moves that wowed the audience from windmills, gorillas, babies, scissorkicks and even mister nomolos [solomon backward] ran on the pillar and didnt a flying flip kick & landed doing a windmill straight after. HA, i creamed my panties. Congrats to nomolos for winning that. And we even had little baby breakers ranging from ages 8 -13 that went against the older ones,and that was amazing. Like nancy said, they have such POTENTIAL. My favorites of the night was purplepantswutangclanman[ dont know his name] cos he was just completely sick and J.Woo who just was amazing.
Overall, last night was a learning experience. I had a great time but i dont know what knockin' my brain back and forth, but i hope it leaves my head soon because i need to do well on this exam on Tuesday. So instead of blogging, i should be studying the binder to my left, soo i'll head out.
Love Letters of Great Men by John C. Kirkland; i want this book. Valentine's day is coming up but barely anyone reads this. Hmm, but i think valentine's is the one day where people can make up for their wrongdoing to their love ones. Its one day that people can't forget because its soo highly advertised and our own personal anniversaries are not. In all honestly, everyday should be the perfect opportunity to make up for wrongdoings. That's why there is no point in waiting for new years to start a fresh, every morning, every minute and every second is another opportunity to changes ourselves for the better. I try to take every opportunity to make myself better and although i feel ive gained enough failed attempts, im still trying to make myself better for myself.
Dear God,
Please screw my head back in place and help me able to really use the day You bless me with effectively and whole- heartedly. Help me Lord to please stop feeling so sad and all punch-drunk love aspect. I'd really like to smile again, and not be afraid to smile. I pray that i stay close with my beloveds & Lord, I thank you for everything. I really do, from every trial to tear and from every smile and laugh-- it is all truly thanks to you. I know that although I am not fully up to par yet, I know that eventually i'll get there and hopefully I can be as strong as You always tended for me to be. Protect me from all those that are bringing me down and push me to move forward without looking back. I love you.
In this i pray,
Amen.
ps. STOP PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD. THAT STUPID SONG AND THAT STUPID NIGHT; ITS DRIVING ME NUTS; STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. i am going insane. [ GOD, please give me my peace of mind]
oohhhhh. 820pm
gerberas. gerberas. gerberas & green tea lemonade with strawberry + classic syrup & the corniest thing you could think of [ ha, im a weiner.]
Last night I went to a breakdancing competition in downtown, Buffalo. No lie, i loved it. I had went with Nancy and met up with my friend Andy there, and even ended up seeing my future aasu dancers too. It started about 730ish and ended about 1145 however no complaints here because it was awesome. I had a great time bonding with Nancy and the others and just watching the dancers strutting their stuff. I give them massive props for practicing hours upon hours and the DJ spinning all those tracks was great too. The atmosphere was a 2nd floor dance studio where there was graffiti on the wall and just a bunch of mirrors that were leaning against the wall along with a bookcase of old vinyl records like Supertramp and Le Freak. The people there were nice and all were friendly with one another- coming from Syracuse, Canada, Rochester and my temporary hometown Buffalo. I saw massive amount of pop & lockers displaying their own personal flavor to each hit and snap, kick and pump- massive props to Poppin Fresh and Fusion for making it to the finals. Then the breakers themselves were great-- all of them b-boys and b-girls were doing stances like no tomorrow and their footwork was ridiculous. All were exentuating moves that wowed the audience from windmills, gorillas, babies, scissorkicks and even mister nomolos [solomon backward] ran on the pillar and didnt a flying flip kick & landed doing a windmill straight after. HA, i creamed my panties. Congrats to nomolos for winning that. And we even had little baby breakers ranging from ages 8 -13 that went against the older ones,and that was amazing. Like nancy said, they have such POTENTIAL. My favorites of the night was purplepantswutangclanman[ dont know his name] cos he was just completely sick and J.Woo who just was amazing.
Overall, last night was a learning experience. I had a great time but i dont know what knockin' my brain back and forth, but i hope it leaves my head soon because i need to do well on this exam on Tuesday. So instead of blogging, i should be studying the binder to my left, soo i'll head out.
Love Letters of Great Men by John C. Kirkland; i want this book. Valentine's day is coming up but barely anyone reads this. Hmm, but i think valentine's is the one day where people can make up for their wrongdoing to their love ones. Its one day that people can't forget because its soo highly advertised and our own personal anniversaries are not. In all honestly, everyday should be the perfect opportunity to make up for wrongdoings. That's why there is no point in waiting for new years to start a fresh, every morning, every minute and every second is another opportunity to changes ourselves for the better. I try to take every opportunity to make myself better and although i feel ive gained enough failed attempts, im still trying to make myself better for myself.
Dear God,
Please screw my head back in place and help me able to really use the day You bless me with effectively and whole- heartedly. Help me Lord to please stop feeling so sad and all punch-drunk love aspect. I'd really like to smile again, and not be afraid to smile. I pray that i stay close with my beloveds & Lord, I thank you for everything. I really do, from every trial to tear and from every smile and laugh-- it is all truly thanks to you. I know that although I am not fully up to par yet, I know that eventually i'll get there and hopefully I can be as strong as You always tended for me to be. Protect me from all those that are bringing me down and push me to move forward without looking back. I love you.
In this i pray,
Amen.
ps. STOP PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD. THAT STUPID SONG AND THAT STUPID NIGHT; ITS DRIVING ME NUTS; STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. i am going insane. [ GOD, please give me my peace of mind]
oohhhhh. 820pm
gerberas. gerberas. gerberas & green tea lemonade with strawberry + classic syrup & the corniest thing you could think of [ ha, im a weiner.]
Friday, January 30
twenty.five.
1. i love my parents for being filipino- from skin tone to tradition-- i love it all.
2. Im not smart, im studious. And even when im studious, i have to study 39066240967x harder than anyone in the world
3. As confident as I may come off, im pretty insecure.
4. Im a feen for break dancers & guys in glasses; i love b-boys & four- eyed guys.
5. I am a pocket full of DARN sunshine. I want to make everyone i meet to smile- at least once.
6. I let music tell the stories of my life- relating everything- every struggle & happiness through songs. Yes, i'll play them on repeat.
7. Although i have such difficulty with this, i do not mind enduring pain and suffering- it brings me closer to God and helps mold me.
8. I wish that my family was close like others. I feel that the older i get, the more family secrets reveal and it makes me feel like i was completely oblivious throughout my entire childhood.
9. I dance well- i like the way i use my hair & my attitude during my performance. Makes me feel good that my body can move like that.
10. I'm a fatty- i LOVE food so much. I especially love sushi & congee and all that good filipino food, plus i'm a SODAHOLIC.
11. I secretly love my boobs, even though they get more attention than i do.
12. I get so weak in the knees for love letters, sweet kisses, when guys sing & when guys give their all.
13. i can't go out of the house without earrings. I also love rings too- simple yet classic ones.
14. I have a big heart- literally. My heart is the size of a fist and half of another fist due to cardiomegaly. More room for lovin!
15. I miss being on stage- its one of the only few places that i feel untouchable.
16. Although my mom and I fight like no tomorrow, i love her so much. She's the main reason why i get through the crap i go through. She is my hero.
17. Even though im a thick girl & constant complain about my flubb, I want to feel beautiful in anything & everything i wear. I want to wear a t-shirt & sweats and feel like the sexiest girl ever. [[[aahhh, pooey]]]
18. Singing is my passion, it makes me feel good when i sing in my room, in the shower & to others. I really love to sing with all my heart.
19. I blame myself for almost everything ive gone through in my life and because of that i feel that i can never be completely happy until i forgive myself.
20. I plan to become a great nurse. I dont know if i will be a NP, but i know that my patients will never forget me [ in a good way] & i'll take care of them as best as i can.
21. im sensitive to touch- i like it when my guy always has his hand on my lower back or wraps his arms around me- i feel safe.
22. im a secret camera whore.
23. i love to read- books, brain fart gossip magazines, TIME, short stories, poems & all the nitty gritty inbetween.
24. My biggest fear is not learning all the lessons that God has in store for me because im scared of what i might have to endure.
25. Love is something that i cannot live without. I love to love & i especially love to fall in love because when i fall in love-- i give my all.
EDIT// im always getting cut off. i should just cut myself. off.
2. Im not smart, im studious. And even when im studious, i have to study 39066240967x harder than anyone in the world
3. As confident as I may come off, im pretty insecure.
4. Im a feen for break dancers & guys in glasses; i love b-boys & four- eyed guys.
5. I am a pocket full of DARN sunshine. I want to make everyone i meet to smile- at least once.
6. I let music tell the stories of my life- relating everything- every struggle & happiness through songs. Yes, i'll play them on repeat.
7. Although i have such difficulty with this, i do not mind enduring pain and suffering- it brings me closer to God and helps mold me.
8. I wish that my family was close like others. I feel that the older i get, the more family secrets reveal and it makes me feel like i was completely oblivious throughout my entire childhood.
9. I dance well- i like the way i use my hair & my attitude during my performance. Makes me feel good that my body can move like that.
10. I'm a fatty- i LOVE food so much. I especially love sushi & congee and all that good filipino food, plus i'm a SODAHOLIC.
11. I secretly love my boobs, even though they get more attention than i do.
12. I get so weak in the knees for love letters, sweet kisses, when guys sing & when guys give their all.
13. i can't go out of the house without earrings. I also love rings too- simple yet classic ones.
14. I have a big heart- literally. My heart is the size of a fist and half of another fist due to cardiomegaly. More room for lovin!
15. I miss being on stage- its one of the only few places that i feel untouchable.
16. Although my mom and I fight like no tomorrow, i love her so much. She's the main reason why i get through the crap i go through. She is my hero.
17. Even though im a thick girl & constant complain about my flubb, I want to feel beautiful in anything & everything i wear. I want to wear a t-shirt & sweats and feel like the sexiest girl ever. [[[aahhh, pooey]]]
18. Singing is my passion, it makes me feel good when i sing in my room, in the shower & to others. I really love to sing with all my heart.
19. I blame myself for almost everything ive gone through in my life and because of that i feel that i can never be completely happy until i forgive myself.
20. I plan to become a great nurse. I dont know if i will be a NP, but i know that my patients will never forget me [ in a good way] & i'll take care of them as best as i can.
21. im sensitive to touch- i like it when my guy always has his hand on my lower back or wraps his arms around me- i feel safe.
22. im a secret camera whore.
23. i love to read- books, brain fart gossip magazines, TIME, short stories, poems & all the nitty gritty inbetween.
24. My biggest fear is not learning all the lessons that God has in store for me because im scared of what i might have to endure.
25. Love is something that i cannot live without. I love to love & i especially love to fall in love because when i fall in love-- i give my all.
EDIT// im always getting cut off. i should just cut myself. off.
Sunday, January 25
peace of mind
i haven't been able to type my feelings out because frankly, i don't know how i feel. Its been a concoction of all sorts of feelings that has disabled me to study, have fun & pray. See, id lie in my bed ready to sleep, so id attempt to pray but the unusual thing is-- instead of falling asleep during my talk with the One from up above, my thoughts just dribble into a slideshow of all the recent events that have happened to me & then i fall asleep miserable and wake up of course, miserable.
its sad to say that ive been so out of touch with reality. I mean, i am up to the point where i can't fake my way through the day in front of others and even to myself. I can't just do things to get my mind off of all the bad without feeling like i'm ONLY doing things to get my mind off the bad--and that in itself makes me feel worse. I feel as if my days have been just passing by & i can't seem to get myself to really get in touch back with reality, almost like a movie- you're watching but you're JUST watching, sit back, relax & enjoy the show watching, watching-your-life-go-into- flames- watching.
ive listened to others advice on this: stay away from him, don't call him, don't think about him, hang out with your friends, stay positive, have sex with a black man [probably not] & the inevitable IT'LL BE OKAY. ive tried all of those, except for the sex with a black man idea, and really, the loneliness still rises within me. Best says that you can't force pain--its not a force to be reckoned with. Pain is personal & I have to be patient. [le sigh] I'm TRYING so HARD. I have started to dance with all my might until i can't breathe, stay up and read books to the point where i can't even fathom them anymore, sing songs that i sing with no feeling and charisma, i literally go through my days as if they were nothing.
I might as well confess up & face myself right now and say that i am so angry with myself & no one else. I feel like everything ive done, with the right intentions, have completely gone 180 on me and I have no one to blame but myself. I am completely and utterly so livid with my own reflection that i choose not to look in the mirror before class and i choose to stop taking care of myself- barely eating and barely sleeping [yes, i still shower]. The decisions ive made have created this dark cloud that won't stop downpouring on my senior graduating parade which leads me to feel so helpless. I feel like i lost so much control in my life that i don't want to be in control at all because i messed my life up already that any further notion would just completely wreck me. Im scared of myself.
From the end of October where it had all started and until now, I am in pieces. I am so crumbled down where I can't stop crying. I keep using glue, and tape and plaster and everything that can mold me back to who I was and what i stood up for but i can't anymore. I can't do this alone anymore. Everyday something keeps tumbling down-- closing doors and slamming them in my face right at the very moment i wake up. Things have gotten worse, much much worse as ive resided in buffalo on January 10th and my new year has been nothing but trials and tribulations that have made me realize that maybe he was right..im weak, really really weak.
So Jesus, ive been trying and pushing, and attempting at praying but im so buried in all this that i can't get myself to get back to standing. Help me to appreciate all the good in my life and to accept all that has happened. Lord, i can't do this without You- im crying so hard hoping that someone will hear my cry. I am crying out to You and right now i lay everything at your feet. Please just take care of me, and help me get through this please. My heart is trembling and I need you to listen to my heart because i have no words left to explain myself any further. Grant me my peace of mind, my heart and my soul. Please give me that miracle for You to mold me again to who You want me to be.
davedelafuente (11:52:25 PM): now, the interesting thing about the jesuits when they pray, is that they go out to isolated places, and in solitude pray
davedelafuente (11:52:31 PM): but their prayer isnt all talking.. a lot of it is listening
im listening.
its sad to say that ive been so out of touch with reality. I mean, i am up to the point where i can't fake my way through the day in front of others and even to myself. I can't just do things to get my mind off of all the bad without feeling like i'm ONLY doing things to get my mind off the bad--and that in itself makes me feel worse. I feel as if my days have been just passing by & i can't seem to get myself to really get in touch back with reality, almost like a movie- you're watching but you're JUST watching, sit back, relax & enjoy the show watching, watching-your-life-go-into- flames- watching.
ive listened to others advice on this: stay away from him, don't call him, don't think about him, hang out with your friends, stay positive, have sex with a black man [probably not] & the inevitable IT'LL BE OKAY. ive tried all of those, except for the sex with a black man idea, and really, the loneliness still rises within me. Best says that you can't force pain--its not a force to be reckoned with. Pain is personal & I have to be patient. [le sigh] I'm TRYING so HARD. I have started to dance with all my might until i can't breathe, stay up and read books to the point where i can't even fathom them anymore, sing songs that i sing with no feeling and charisma, i literally go through my days as if they were nothing.
I might as well confess up & face myself right now and say that i am so angry with myself & no one else. I feel like everything ive done, with the right intentions, have completely gone 180 on me and I have no one to blame but myself. I am completely and utterly so livid with my own reflection that i choose not to look in the mirror before class and i choose to stop taking care of myself- barely eating and barely sleeping [yes, i still shower]. The decisions ive made have created this dark cloud that won't stop downpouring on my senior graduating parade which leads me to feel so helpless. I feel like i lost so much control in my life that i don't want to be in control at all because i messed my life up already that any further notion would just completely wreck me. Im scared of myself.
From the end of October where it had all started and until now, I am in pieces. I am so crumbled down where I can't stop crying. I keep using glue, and tape and plaster and everything that can mold me back to who I was and what i stood up for but i can't anymore. I can't do this alone anymore. Everyday something keeps tumbling down-- closing doors and slamming them in my face right at the very moment i wake up. Things have gotten worse, much much worse as ive resided in buffalo on January 10th and my new year has been nothing but trials and tribulations that have made me realize that maybe he was right..im weak, really really weak.
So Jesus, ive been trying and pushing, and attempting at praying but im so buried in all this that i can't get myself to get back to standing. Help me to appreciate all the good in my life and to accept all that has happened. Lord, i can't do this without You- im crying so hard hoping that someone will hear my cry. I am crying out to You and right now i lay everything at your feet. Please just take care of me, and help me get through this please. My heart is trembling and I need you to listen to my heart because i have no words left to explain myself any further. Grant me my peace of mind, my heart and my soul. Please give me that miracle for You to mold me again to who You want me to be.
davedelafuente (11:52:25 PM): now, the interesting thing about the jesuits when they pray, is that they go out to isolated places, and in solitude pray
davedelafuente (11:52:31 PM): but their prayer isnt all talking.. a lot of it is listening
im listening.
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