twenty.five.

1. i love my parents for being filipino- from skin tone to tradition-- i love it all.

2. Im not smart, im studious. And even when im studious, i have to study 39066240967x harder than anyone in the world

3. As confident as I may come off, im pretty insecure.

4. Im a feen for break dancers & guys in glasses; i love b-boys & four- eyed guys.

5. I am a pocket full of DARN sunshine. I want to make everyone i meet to smile- at least once.

6. I let music tell the stories of my life- relating everything- every struggle & happiness through songs. Yes, i'll play them on repeat.

7. Although i have such difficulty with this, i do not mind enduring pain and suffering- it brings me closer to God and helps mold me.

8. I wish that my family was close like others. I feel that the older i get, the more family secrets reveal and it makes me feel like i was completely oblivious throughout my entire childhood.

9. I dance well- i like the way i use my hair & my attitude during my performance. Makes me feel good that my body can move like that.

10. I'm a fatty- i LOVE food so much. I especially love sushi & congee and all that good filipino food, plus i'm a SODAHOLIC.

11. I secretly love my boobs, even though they get more attention than i do.

12. I get so weak in the knees for love letters, sweet kisses, when guys sing & when guys give their all.

13. i can't go out of the house without earrings. I also love rings too- simple yet classic ones.

14. I have a big heart- literally. My heart is the size of a fist and half of another fist due to cardiomegaly. More room for lovin!

15. I miss being on stage- its one of the only few places that i feel untouchable.

16. Although my mom and I fight like no tomorrow, i love her so much. She's the main reason why i get through the crap i go through. She is my hero.

17. Even though im a thick girl & constant complain about my flubb, I want to feel beautiful in anything & everything i wear. I want to wear a t-shirt & sweats and feel like the sexiest girl ever. [[[aahhh, pooey]]]

18. Singing is my passion, it makes me feel good when i sing in my room, in the shower & to others. I really love to sing with all my heart.

19. I blame myself for almost everything ive gone through in my life and because of that i feel that i can never be completely happy until i forgive myself.

20. I plan to become a great nurse. I dont know if i will be a NP, but i know that my patients will never forget me [ in a good way] & i'll take care of them as best as i can.

21. im sensitive to touch- i like it when my guy always has his hand on my lower back or wraps his arms around me- i feel safe.

22. im a secret camera whore.

23. i love to read- books, brain fart gossip magazines, TIME, short stories, poems & all the nitty gritty inbetween.

24. My biggest fear is not learning all the lessons that God has in store for me because im scared of what i might have to endure.

25. Love is something that i cannot live without. I love to love & i especially love to fall in love because when i fall in love-- i give my all.



EDIT// im always getting cut off. i should just cut myself. off.

peace of mind

i haven't been able to type my feelings out because frankly, i don't know how i feel. Its been a concoction of all sorts of feelings that has disabled me to study, have fun & pray. See, id lie in my bed ready to sleep, so id attempt to pray but the unusual thing is-- instead of falling asleep during my talk with the One from up above, my thoughts just dribble into a slideshow of all the recent events that have happened to me & then i fall asleep miserable and wake up of course, miserable.

its sad to say that ive been so out of touch with reality. I mean, i am up to the point where i can't fake my way through the day in front of others and even to myself. I can't just do things to get my mind off of all the bad without feeling like i'm ONLY doing things to get my mind off the bad--and that in itself makes me feel worse. I feel as if my days have been just passing by & i can't seem to get myself to really get in touch back with reality, almost like a movie- you're watching but you're JUST watching, sit back, relax & enjoy the show watching, watching-your-life-go-into- flames- watching.

ive listened to others advice on this: stay away from him, don't call him, don't think about him, hang out with your friends, stay positive, have sex with a black man [probably not] & the inevitable IT'LL BE OKAY. ive tried all of those, except for the sex with a black man idea, and really, the loneliness still rises within me. Best says that you can't force pain--its not a force to be reckoned with. Pain is personal & I have to be patient. [le sigh] I'm TRYING so HARD. I have started to dance with all my might until i can't breathe, stay up and read books to the point where i can't even fathom them anymore, sing songs that i sing with no feeling and charisma, i literally go through my days as if they were nothing.

I might as well confess up & face myself right now and say that i am so angry with myself & no one else. I feel like everything ive done, with the right intentions, have completely gone 180 on me and I have no one to blame but myself. I am completely and utterly so livid with my own reflection that i choose not to look in the mirror before class and i choose to stop taking care of myself- barely eating and barely sleeping [yes, i still shower]. The decisions ive made have created this dark cloud that won't stop downpouring on my senior graduating parade which leads me to feel so helpless. I feel like i lost so much control in my life that i don't want to be in control at all because i messed my life up already that any further notion would just completely wreck me. Im scared of myself.

From the end of October where it had all started and until now, I am in pieces. I am so crumbled down where I can't stop crying. I keep using glue, and tape and plaster and everything that can mold me back to who I was and what i stood up for but i can't anymore. I can't do this alone anymore. Everyday something keeps tumbling down-- closing doors and slamming them in my face right at the very moment i wake up. Things have gotten worse, much much worse as ive resided in buffalo on January 10th and my new year has been nothing but trials and tribulations that have made me realize that maybe he was right..im weak, really really weak.

So Jesus, ive been trying and pushing, and attempting at praying but im so buried in all this that i can't get myself to get back to standing. Help me to appreciate all the good in my life and to accept all that has happened. Lord, i can't do this without You- im crying so hard hoping that someone will hear my cry. I am crying out to You and right now i lay everything at your feet. Please just take care of me, and help me get through this please. My heart is trembling and I need you to listen to my heart because i have no words left to explain myself any further. Grant me my peace of mind, my heart and my soul. Please give me that miracle for You to mold me again to who You want me to be.

davedelafuente (11:52:25 PM): now, the interesting thing about the jesuits when they pray, is that they go out to isolated places, and in solitude pray
davedelafuente (11:52:31 PM): but their prayer isnt all talking.. a lot of it is listening




















im listening.

a memoir.

so this is awkward. im in capen library running through old e.mails and i find this.

DISCLAIMER: jayar and I are NOT together anymore and neither one of us have a desire to be with one another. things were rough & we didn't pull through however, i wish him the best with all his endeavors but i'd like to share this:

he needed to write a paper for a class & wrote this:

December 21, 2007.

Marker Moment Paper

Throughout my life I have endured many stressful situations, not to say that they were situations I regret but in some ways I'm glad that they have happened to me or I would have never learned from them. That's why these stressful situations arise aren't they? We need to overcome them and learn from them so that they won't happen again to us. Just like learning any new method, task, or procedure, mistakes happen and we learn from it.

In many situations I have failed and I understand that, and I'm thankful that there were people to help me in these situations as well as you cannot forget about the helpful people around you. As every moment is a life-changing moment, some have even greater effects to your self than others would. Certain situations that I have been involved in, have helped me so much so that I can help future people in the same situation if I were to ever see them in it.

The moment that changed my life is the time I started getting on a more personal level with my current girlfriend a few years ago. She had helped me in a very horrible situation and has been with me ever since the tribulations. She's currently the love of my life and I'd trade anything to be with her. She lends a hand that would be forever accepted by me, through getting out of such a disease such as depression.

A few years back I have landed myself in the psychiatry ward due to depression and had stayed there for quite a while and was missing school. The points leading up to the stay at the ward had left me with failing grades from my old college to get failed out of the university. My life was in a wreck and I had no idea how to fix if because the treatments at the facility were pretty much not helping at all.

I have had visits from this wonderful girl to lend me a hand to let me know that she was there in my life. I wasn't grateful as much as I look at it now about how grateful I am as to her being there not only because it was about 60 miles away from where she lives or 500 miles from where she goes to school, but it was because she cared. For someone to be there because they cared means a great deal for me because I haven't really had any visitors. She had made the biggest effect of my life in the turn for the better.

In the facility, I have had hourly activities and group sessions about how to cope with these situations but they really weren't helpful in a sense because there were people of many different ailments there such as mania, anger problems, and dementia. It was also weird in the sense that I was the youngest person there at age 18 while many of the residents were over 30. I have spent most of my time in my room writing letters to the people that cared about me such as my family and my current girlfriend.

If only I had known before of how much of an effect she would have on my life I would celebrate everyday and thank her for the love, affection, and her care that she had given me. I'm not really a person of throwing my feelings in the open, even with her and it's a big deal to me. I love the sense that there's someone in this world that I can communicate to and experience life with knowing that they have me in return.

After my presence was no longer needed at the facilities I have had to pick myself up and become a better person than I was before in order to be better off in life. It was a pretty hard road to recover but I was determined to do it, people believed in me, especially her. The words, the actions, the presence of her being next to me were going to be the tools to help me recover and become a healed man.

I had to enroll myself in another college since the college that I had been attending would not accept me back until I get better grades. Either way, I was still determined to succeed for my future. I had enrolled into Nassau Community College to get further education. Taking the classes that I would have been taking in the other college, I was studying hard as they are not easy classes to succeed, in the first place.

With her by my side I am forever in debt to her and grateful that she had been there to lend me a hand and be with me throughout all the experiences and hardships that I have been going through and will go through hopefully in the future. She has changed my life inside out letting me know that she cares about me and that she cares so much for my well being.

I've learned that every moment is a life changing moment and that one should never take your own life for granted because it's a shame to throw something out that's so special to someone else. Its not only that you would destroy your own life but your hurting the people around you as well, if not just as much as you would be hurting yourself in many situations.

Being forever in her debt, this moment has truly changed my life for the better and I'm on my road to happiness that used to be never sought possible before.



the past couple of weeks, or ALL OF BREAK have been really tough for me- going through ups and down of everything. i barely smile, laugh, eat and sleep..but this old essay [ as much as he hates me now] means nothing to him, made me smile for those few minutes.

i pray.


EDIT// i can finally let go of jayar. after him harrassing me for his keys and ring, i gave back the keys and plan to mail his ring soon. He doesn't understand that i did love him, and that now i am ready to forgive him but we are just too different people now. He left me and expected me to wait, but if i waited i knew that i would never have forgiven myself for missing one of the best opportunities in my life...so far.

i hope one day he'll realize and not throw away all of what we had, that he'll always have a place in my heart. but now-- im ready to let go, everything, and i mean everything, is put away, see you later jayar.

manuel quintal jr. & aprildawn santos 6.25.05-2.11.08. "when you say nothing at all"

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