a memoir.

so this is awkward. im in capen library running through old e.mails and i find this.

DISCLAIMER: jayar and I are NOT together anymore and neither one of us have a desire to be with one another. things were rough & we didn't pull through however, i wish him the best with all his endeavors but i'd like to share this:

he needed to write a paper for a class & wrote this:

December 21, 2007.

Marker Moment Paper

Throughout my life I have endured many stressful situations, not to say that they were situations I regret but in some ways I'm glad that they have happened to me or I would have never learned from them. That's why these stressful situations arise aren't they? We need to overcome them and learn from them so that they won't happen again to us. Just like learning any new method, task, or procedure, mistakes happen and we learn from it.

In many situations I have failed and I understand that, and I'm thankful that there were people to help me in these situations as well as you cannot forget about the helpful people around you. As every moment is a life-changing moment, some have even greater effects to your self than others would. Certain situations that I have been involved in, have helped me so much so that I can help future people in the same situation if I were to ever see them in it.

The moment that changed my life is the time I started getting on a more personal level with my current girlfriend a few years ago. She had helped me in a very horrible situation and has been with me ever since the tribulations. She's currently the love of my life and I'd trade anything to be with her. She lends a hand that would be forever accepted by me, through getting out of such a disease such as depression.

A few years back I have landed myself in the psychiatry ward due to depression and had stayed there for quite a while and was missing school. The points leading up to the stay at the ward had left me with failing grades from my old college to get failed out of the university. My life was in a wreck and I had no idea how to fix if because the treatments at the facility were pretty much not helping at all.

I have had visits from this wonderful girl to lend me a hand to let me know that she was there in my life. I wasn't grateful as much as I look at it now about how grateful I am as to her being there not only because it was about 60 miles away from where she lives or 500 miles from where she goes to school, but it was because she cared. For someone to be there because they cared means a great deal for me because I haven't really had any visitors. She had made the biggest effect of my life in the turn for the better.

In the facility, I have had hourly activities and group sessions about how to cope with these situations but they really weren't helpful in a sense because there were people of many different ailments there such as mania, anger problems, and dementia. It was also weird in the sense that I was the youngest person there at age 18 while many of the residents were over 30. I have spent most of my time in my room writing letters to the people that cared about me such as my family and my current girlfriend.

If only I had known before of how much of an effect she would have on my life I would celebrate everyday and thank her for the love, affection, and her care that she had given me. I'm not really a person of throwing my feelings in the open, even with her and it's a big deal to me. I love the sense that there's someone in this world that I can communicate to and experience life with knowing that they have me in return.

After my presence was no longer needed at the facilities I have had to pick myself up and become a better person than I was before in order to be better off in life. It was a pretty hard road to recover but I was determined to do it, people believed in me, especially her. The words, the actions, the presence of her being next to me were going to be the tools to help me recover and become a healed man.

I had to enroll myself in another college since the college that I had been attending would not accept me back until I get better grades. Either way, I was still determined to succeed for my future. I had enrolled into Nassau Community College to get further education. Taking the classes that I would have been taking in the other college, I was studying hard as they are not easy classes to succeed, in the first place.

With her by my side I am forever in debt to her and grateful that she had been there to lend me a hand and be with me throughout all the experiences and hardships that I have been going through and will go through hopefully in the future. She has changed my life inside out letting me know that she cares about me and that she cares so much for my well being.

I've learned that every moment is a life changing moment and that one should never take your own life for granted because it's a shame to throw something out that's so special to someone else. Its not only that you would destroy your own life but your hurting the people around you as well, if not just as much as you would be hurting yourself in many situations.

Being forever in her debt, this moment has truly changed my life for the better and I'm on my road to happiness that used to be never sought possible before.



the past couple of weeks, or ALL OF BREAK have been really tough for me- going through ups and down of everything. i barely smile, laugh, eat and sleep..but this old essay [ as much as he hates me now] means nothing to him, made me smile for those few minutes.

i pray.


EDIT// i can finally let go of jayar. after him harrassing me for his keys and ring, i gave back the keys and plan to mail his ring soon. He doesn't understand that i did love him, and that now i am ready to forgive him but we are just too different people now. He left me and expected me to wait, but if i waited i knew that i would never have forgiven myself for missing one of the best opportunities in my life...so far.

i hope one day he'll realize and not throw away all of what we had, that he'll always have a place in my heart. but now-- im ready to let go, everything, and i mean everything, is put away, see you later jayar.

manuel quintal jr. & aprildawn santos 6.25.05-2.11.08. "when you say nothing at all"

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