peace of mind

i haven't been able to type my feelings out because frankly, i don't know how i feel. Its been a concoction of all sorts of feelings that has disabled me to study, have fun & pray. See, id lie in my bed ready to sleep, so id attempt to pray but the unusual thing is-- instead of falling asleep during my talk with the One from up above, my thoughts just dribble into a slideshow of all the recent events that have happened to me & then i fall asleep miserable and wake up of course, miserable.

its sad to say that ive been so out of touch with reality. I mean, i am up to the point where i can't fake my way through the day in front of others and even to myself. I can't just do things to get my mind off of all the bad without feeling like i'm ONLY doing things to get my mind off the bad--and that in itself makes me feel worse. I feel as if my days have been just passing by & i can't seem to get myself to really get in touch back with reality, almost like a movie- you're watching but you're JUST watching, sit back, relax & enjoy the show watching, watching-your-life-go-into- flames- watching.

ive listened to others advice on this: stay away from him, don't call him, don't think about him, hang out with your friends, stay positive, have sex with a black man [probably not] & the inevitable IT'LL BE OKAY. ive tried all of those, except for the sex with a black man idea, and really, the loneliness still rises within me. Best says that you can't force pain--its not a force to be reckoned with. Pain is personal & I have to be patient. [le sigh] I'm TRYING so HARD. I have started to dance with all my might until i can't breathe, stay up and read books to the point where i can't even fathom them anymore, sing songs that i sing with no feeling and charisma, i literally go through my days as if they were nothing.

I might as well confess up & face myself right now and say that i am so angry with myself & no one else. I feel like everything ive done, with the right intentions, have completely gone 180 on me and I have no one to blame but myself. I am completely and utterly so livid with my own reflection that i choose not to look in the mirror before class and i choose to stop taking care of myself- barely eating and barely sleeping [yes, i still shower]. The decisions ive made have created this dark cloud that won't stop downpouring on my senior graduating parade which leads me to feel so helpless. I feel like i lost so much control in my life that i don't want to be in control at all because i messed my life up already that any further notion would just completely wreck me. Im scared of myself.

From the end of October where it had all started and until now, I am in pieces. I am so crumbled down where I can't stop crying. I keep using glue, and tape and plaster and everything that can mold me back to who I was and what i stood up for but i can't anymore. I can't do this alone anymore. Everyday something keeps tumbling down-- closing doors and slamming them in my face right at the very moment i wake up. Things have gotten worse, much much worse as ive resided in buffalo on January 10th and my new year has been nothing but trials and tribulations that have made me realize that maybe he was right..im weak, really really weak.

So Jesus, ive been trying and pushing, and attempting at praying but im so buried in all this that i can't get myself to get back to standing. Help me to appreciate all the good in my life and to accept all that has happened. Lord, i can't do this without You- im crying so hard hoping that someone will hear my cry. I am crying out to You and right now i lay everything at your feet. Please just take care of me, and help me get through this please. My heart is trembling and I need you to listen to my heart because i have no words left to explain myself any further. Grant me my peace of mind, my heart and my soul. Please give me that miracle for You to mold me again to who You want me to be.

davedelafuente (11:52:25 PM): now, the interesting thing about the jesuits when they pray, is that they go out to isolated places, and in solitude pray
davedelafuente (11:52:31 PM): but their prayer isnt all talking.. a lot of it is listening




















im listening.