Today marks 1 week and 2 days until my final. Today marks 1 week and 4 days until i depart with jetblue to start my preceptorship at Sloan on Friday at 1130- 330. It really is now a count down.
Oh don't worry, i havent packed, bid my see you laters, or studied for my final. But i can tell you that i'l growing my nails... once again, let the resolution rise...
So much has happened in the past few months that i've only been able to touch base with in this blogspot. Last night was my last banquet in buffalo. I went to the AASU banquet and once again, love was tested. I don't know how to explain this situation but i know i can relate to the people that didn't want to dance---i was scared. But with good friends and forgiveness at his right side, i was able to leave smiling.
I don't think i'm able to recover fully from all the things that have bam whammed me in the face. But i know that i can still move forward and spin circles around it too while im at it. When my friend Adam was salsa spinning me last night, i felt like i was floating away from all the bad stuff, and also felt like my guard was coming down again. I don't do salsa, but for some reason, i just wanted something out of my element to snap me back into my element.
I think thats what it is, falling out of my element. I can get angry, and sad and even frustrated, but that just added to me getting out of my element. Now, i can see & now its time to get back into my element. Too bad, i can't remember what my element is exactly.
One phrase keeps ringing in my head though-- " i know, but she's not really gonna go anywhere in life with that"; hmmpherdink. I make decisions solely on the fact that it can protect me. It will protect me; and people should respect that- no matter what they think and no matter what they want. alyssa is right, should i kill myself again for someone who is only wanting my presence for their happiness? i thought so.
i decided to plan something really special before i leave. i just need a car and a brain.
i'll edit and write more later. dance time.
God,
help me spin circles... like a ninja.
april
Sunday, March 29
Saturday, March 28
jean.
"83 year old caucasian female status post motor vehicle accident. L rib fracture, L clavicle fracture, L knee fracture, L tibula/fibula fracture, L pneumothorax. Trach size 6, Flexi Flo with Jevity 1.5 running at 55 cc/ hr. Bowel and Bladder incontinent. No foley. She's a keeper"
i never cried for a patient before. Never cried in clinical either. But to 757, i cried my brains out.
You dont meet peoplke everyday that work their hardest. Then again, you dont meet people who are 83 and mistaken the gas for the brake. Its different you know? The older we get the more things seem to be a blur, whereas when we were children, everything was clearcut- black and white.
I felt like no matter what i did for her, things never got to get better. I knew what i had to do however, i felt like i wasnt making a difference. It's not like she was a difficult patient, meaning she wasn't needy, but she was , in fact, needy. She was constantly pooping every 3 seconds and peeing all over herself and i still do not understand why she was not on a foley or that they discontinued her foley.
14 times. i counted. 14 times i had to turn her and change her and wipe her and cause more and more pain to the poor lady. She had an excoriation on her rectum, so everytime i wiped her- it irritated it even more to the point where it started bleeding. So i, like the weak one i normally am, started crying. I couldn't help it. I was frustrated and i wanted to help, but i felt like iwas just making her worse.
After sobbing my eyes out, i spoke to the doctor and he gave me the a ok for the foley. I did it successfully. She kept pooping bit by bit, but we gave ehr a suppository and she was able to rest esy after i left.
The next morning, they told me she was going to acute rehab. That means, she was getting better. I remember coming into her room, and she looked a million times better than yesterday. Still pooping, but smiling. I told her the good news and she told me that she was gonna miss me. She told my teacher that i was gonna be a good nurse. And the staff told my teacher that i am too compassionate at times, but its nice to see that in the newer generations. My teacher relayed that all to me and included " you're too hard on yourself. You beat yourself way too much. Don't worry". Alas, i got her washed, and ready, and bid my goodbye to her. I don't think i'll forget what she taught me. I don't think i'll foget the glasses that probably see into the future and how they magnified her tears when she was in pain. I don't think i'll forget the weak but sweet hug she attempted to give.
I feel lke i lost so much of me, and everyday the more i look at it, i feel like i keep losing touch within myself. Thanks 757, for reminding me that im still there, in some way.
God,
thanks.
april dawn.
i never cried for a patient before. Never cried in clinical either. But to 757, i cried my brains out.
You dont meet peoplke everyday that work their hardest. Then again, you dont meet people who are 83 and mistaken the gas for the brake. Its different you know? The older we get the more things seem to be a blur, whereas when we were children, everything was clearcut- black and white.
I felt like no matter what i did for her, things never got to get better. I knew what i had to do however, i felt like i wasnt making a difference. It's not like she was a difficult patient, meaning she wasn't needy, but she was , in fact, needy. She was constantly pooping every 3 seconds and peeing all over herself and i still do not understand why she was not on a foley or that they discontinued her foley.
14 times. i counted. 14 times i had to turn her and change her and wipe her and cause more and more pain to the poor lady. She had an excoriation on her rectum, so everytime i wiped her- it irritated it even more to the point where it started bleeding. So i, like the weak one i normally am, started crying. I couldn't help it. I was frustrated and i wanted to help, but i felt like iwas just making her worse.
After sobbing my eyes out, i spoke to the doctor and he gave me the a ok for the foley. I did it successfully. She kept pooping bit by bit, but we gave ehr a suppository and she was able to rest esy after i left.
The next morning, they told me she was going to acute rehab. That means, she was getting better. I remember coming into her room, and she looked a million times better than yesterday. Still pooping, but smiling. I told her the good news and she told me that she was gonna miss me. She told my teacher that i was gonna be a good nurse. And the staff told my teacher that i am too compassionate at times, but its nice to see that in the newer generations. My teacher relayed that all to me and included " you're too hard on yourself. You beat yourself way too much. Don't worry". Alas, i got her washed, and ready, and bid my goodbye to her. I don't think i'll forget what she taught me. I don't think i'll foget the glasses that probably see into the future and how they magnified her tears when she was in pain. I don't think i'll forget the weak but sweet hug she attempted to give.
I feel lke i lost so much of me, and everyday the more i look at it, i feel like i keep losing touch within myself. Thanks 757, for reminding me that im still there, in some way.
God,
thanks.
april dawn.
Thursday, March 19
limited time only.
you work. work so hard. to have things go according to plan. making sure every decision is precise and correct to adjust themselves to the little corners of our very lives. You make every decision based on its idealistic consequences and cross your fingers for the best.
But when things dont go according to the way its supposed to, those corners don't seem to hit perfection anymore. Everything is out of place, you feel a bit queasy, and overall time always feels like its flashed forward so quick that you dont even know what hit you.
So you adjust to the new change, even when change is not welcome and again you have idealistic hopes and once again, cross your fingers for the best.
But what if its not you? What if its around you- the environment, the people. You make a decision HOPING it would turn out for the best and then turns to complete shit, and to make matters worst, everything else decides to fall on you.
Then you nit- pick and blame everything on your own. You question and analyze non-stop all the things that could've happen, or should've happen but didn't happen.
But through all that time of never truly accepting whats in front of you and never trying to adjust what can be changed, you waste all precious time that could be used for something a bit more reconstructive.
In all honesty, i dont have much time left here in buffalo and if people can't get through little arguments and tension then next thing you know it, i'll be gone before anything can be reconciled. I can face the sad glares and the awkward stares. I can face the silent treatment and i can face whatever else is thrown. But what i dont want to face is someone failing to realize that im right here, right now and trying so hard to make the best of things before i leave.
I used to hate buffalo, and now i dont want to go home because i don't want to face the hurt that the tristate area has given me. Yes, suffering is a part of life- but just for the next few months, i'd like to just stay steady and focus and stop getting knocked over but heinous people.
Im right here, right now- please, don't wait until im gone. I can't take time back and for every second i type this, its another second i am still not with you. and i mean w i t h y o u.
God,
i just pray for warmth and love. your love.
forever and a day,
april dawn
But when things dont go according to the way its supposed to, those corners don't seem to hit perfection anymore. Everything is out of place, you feel a bit queasy, and overall time always feels like its flashed forward so quick that you dont even know what hit you.
So you adjust to the new change, even when change is not welcome and again you have idealistic hopes and once again, cross your fingers for the best.
But what if its not you? What if its around you- the environment, the people. You make a decision HOPING it would turn out for the best and then turns to complete shit, and to make matters worst, everything else decides to fall on you.
Then you nit- pick and blame everything on your own. You question and analyze non-stop all the things that could've happen, or should've happen but didn't happen.
But through all that time of never truly accepting whats in front of you and never trying to adjust what can be changed, you waste all precious time that could be used for something a bit more reconstructive.
In all honesty, i dont have much time left here in buffalo and if people can't get through little arguments and tension then next thing you know it, i'll be gone before anything can be reconciled. I can face the sad glares and the awkward stares. I can face the silent treatment and i can face whatever else is thrown. But what i dont want to face is someone failing to realize that im right here, right now and trying so hard to make the best of things before i leave.
I used to hate buffalo, and now i dont want to go home because i don't want to face the hurt that the tristate area has given me. Yes, suffering is a part of life- but just for the next few months, i'd like to just stay steady and focus and stop getting knocked over but heinous people.
Im right here, right now- please, don't wait until im gone. I can't take time back and for every second i type this, its another second i am still not with you. and i mean w i t h y o u.
God,
i just pray for warmth and love. your love.
forever and a day,
april dawn
Monday, March 16
Monday, March 2
tony isidro.
message 1:
Subject: APRIL!
Hey Best Friend..
Thank you so much for being there for me April Santos! It's been a really crazy few months and I'm trying to establish a level or normalcy which is proving to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm kind of waiting adrift on an oarless boat in the middle of the ocean right now just waiting for my signal. A flickering light in somewhere in the 360 degrees of horizon out there.
But don't forget that I can never forget about you.. Like ever! You and I will always be in this together and I miss you and I love you and I just wish all the good things in life for you this year.
message 2:
I'm totally out of it with Facebook.. the new format is so different it's kind of confusing. I know I haven't been accessible to anyone for a while, and it totally sucks but I'm really going places in life.. I know I am. I'll be paving the way for a better more stable future that I hope you'll be a big part of. It'll be awesome. I was in Manila for a while but now I'm DE with a cousin of mine trying to take care of so many things at the same time. But it's nothing special; everyone needs to juggle different aspects in their lives in order to find equilibrium you know? Emotionally I'm pretty stable, grounded and calculated. I wish I could say the same about other aspects. But I can't complain..
But what about you? I want to hear about all those crazy things that happened in detail. I know the ever-present distance between us is a major hindrance, but whenever you want to cry or feel sad if you want you can sharpie my name to one of your pillows and hug me whenever. Distance? Bah. Distance schmistance.
Speaking of distance, I think we've come a long way. I guess so far that it's kind of hard to hold onto memories that were once so clear to me. Memories of when I was just a kid. Names, faces, colors and shapes and sounds are fading away as the years accumulate behind me.
I'm not or at least I sincerely hope I'm not the same guy you used know in his late awkward teens trying to figure himself out. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. But if you really step back and think about it, it really hasn't been that far. I suppose I'm constantly reminding myself how young we really are. 50 years from now I have a feeling that I'll be at a get-together meeting a person who brings up your name in conversation and I'll say "April? April Santos? Oh I was just with her last weekend! We were chucking jello-filled water balloons at the paparazzi. Yeah she's awesome!" And if you think of it that way it's not just us that are young, but our friendship you know? This 7 year old friendship of ours is just the very very beginning. I know it. What I don't know is how the heck I got so lucky.
times like these make me smile, especially prior to an exam. Past few weeks have been going so fast that i feel like im living them whole heartedly, but i feel like i can't full breathe in all that is happening around me. Fiesta was a success, Ball was beautiful and Valentine's Day was bliss.
Thank you God for providing me the strength to get through what i needed to go through. Thank you for the hard times but most of all staying close to me when i was breaking apart to a million pieces. I would go into detail much more but i have a large exam that i must do well on in less than 24 hours, but know that i am content right now.
Yes, there are some holes that still have managed to be kept open, but in my heart lies its space for forgiveness and for fullfillment once again.
forever & a day,
aprildawn.
ps. maybe tony is right, distance schmistance.
Subject: APRIL!
Hey Best Friend..
Thank you so much for being there for me April Santos! It's been a really crazy few months and I'm trying to establish a level or normalcy which is proving to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm kind of waiting adrift on an oarless boat in the middle of the ocean right now just waiting for my signal. A flickering light in somewhere in the 360 degrees of horizon out there.
But don't forget that I can never forget about you.. Like ever! You and I will always be in this together and I miss you and I love you and I just wish all the good things in life for you this year.
message 2:
I'm totally out of it with Facebook.. the new format is so different it's kind of confusing. I know I haven't been accessible to anyone for a while, and it totally sucks but I'm really going places in life.. I know I am. I'll be paving the way for a better more stable future that I hope you'll be a big part of. It'll be awesome. I was in Manila for a while but now I'm DE with a cousin of mine trying to take care of so many things at the same time. But it's nothing special; everyone needs to juggle different aspects in their lives in order to find equilibrium you know? Emotionally I'm pretty stable, grounded and calculated. I wish I could say the same about other aspects. But I can't complain..
But what about you? I want to hear about all those crazy things that happened in detail. I know the ever-present distance between us is a major hindrance, but whenever you want to cry or feel sad if you want you can sharpie my name to one of your pillows and hug me whenever. Distance? Bah. Distance schmistance.
Speaking of distance, I think we've come a long way. I guess so far that it's kind of hard to hold onto memories that were once so clear to me. Memories of when I was just a kid. Names, faces, colors and shapes and sounds are fading away as the years accumulate behind me.
I'm not or at least I sincerely hope I'm not the same guy you used know in his late awkward teens trying to figure himself out. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. But if you really step back and think about it, it really hasn't been that far. I suppose I'm constantly reminding myself how young we really are. 50 years from now I have a feeling that I'll be at a get-together meeting a person who brings up your name in conversation and I'll say "April? April Santos? Oh I was just with her last weekend! We were chucking jello-filled water balloons at the paparazzi. Yeah she's awesome!" And if you think of it that way it's not just us that are young, but our friendship you know? This 7 year old friendship of ours is just the very very beginning. I know it. What I don't know is how the heck I got so lucky.
times like these make me smile, especially prior to an exam. Past few weeks have been going so fast that i feel like im living them whole heartedly, but i feel like i can't full breathe in all that is happening around me. Fiesta was a success, Ball was beautiful and Valentine's Day was bliss.
Thank you God for providing me the strength to get through what i needed to go through. Thank you for the hard times but most of all staying close to me when i was breaking apart to a million pieces. I would go into detail much more but i have a large exam that i must do well on in less than 24 hours, but know that i am content right now.
Yes, there are some holes that still have managed to be kept open, but in my heart lies its space for forgiveness and for fullfillment once again.
forever & a day,
aprildawn.
ps. maybe tony is right, distance schmistance.
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