night shift.

so its 1250am on April 22nd, 2009 and I am here at Memorial Sloan- Kettering Cancer Center doing my first night shift. YAAAAAWWWWNNN. I am so tired and it's not even 1am yet. Funny thing is, if I were in Buffalo i'd be up until atleast 3 or 4 talking to steven or being on fbook or reading a book. I have a total of 7 patients tonight with my preceptor. She's cool and she doesn't reprimand me if i do something wrong unlike my main preceptor. See, i'm on day 6 for this 120 hour/10 day preceptorship and my day preceptor doesn't like me- or probably thinks i'm incompetent as a nurse. Kinda hurts you know? Ive worked so hard for 4 years and my nurse, without even testing my skills, automatically assumed that i suck at this nursing gig. But this preceptor is nice and she keeps asking me if i ate already, but i'm not really hungry, just sleepy. m15. colorectal/GMT [ gastric meets tumor] floor. It is pretty interesting and i'm learning about different diseases but all in all, i still feel a little frustrated with not getting to do anything. But the other nurses are nice and they know their stuff. I hope i can be like them after i graduate, and pass my nclex and all that shabang.

can you believe it, ma?! i'm graduating in about 2 weeks. I am the first santos to be of a medical profession. I know that i'm not graduating with honors, but i feel so honored to be graduating. I love it. To be honest, i dont care- my sister and brother didn't graduate with honors, but we all graduated- well, i'm soon to be. it's bliss i tell you, pure bliss...

its tomorrow. my 22nd birthday is tomorrow. they say after 21, its all downhill from here- but i'm hoping for an uphill climb instead. ive been reflecting lately on how much i've changed again throughout the year using my music in order to categorize every "life changing" moment of my so-called life. i feel like i've grown but also not grown- i feel as if i made the same mistakes, if not, made worse mistakes throughout year 21. Gotten close to some, lost touch with so many. Won some, lost some. Kissed and hugged, cried and laughed and that whole whateverness. but, im amazed. i'm proud of myself for making it through so far, knowing about all the things ive been through.

A few days ago, i felt like i was sinking. I don't know about the future due to the nursing shortage, my family is still in crisis, my preceptor hates me but she determines my grade, my loves are so far away, and he is so far away. all i just want is for everything to work out.

i had a patient the other day who has anal cancer metastasizing to the liver. She's really sick and her husband is with her 24/7. It was pretty- to see him for her. He got on one knee just to put her panties on-- i know it sounds lame, but i mean, sometimes we forget how easy it is to put on panties or pants on until you lose what you take for granted what you have From her, i became really appreciate of the people who made sure my panties were always on straight (hypothetically, speaking).

i pray that my birthday will be beautiful, like i always do. I don't know what to ask for really, except to blow candles on my birthday (among other materialistic things, that i don't want to say cos i'll look like a materialistic bastard). I want my wishes to come true. Wait, is that against my religion? Well then again, God gave me a birthday, so im assuming he knows the whole candle= wish ordeal. But i hope to be able to feel like its my day and that nothing and i mean nothing, can take that away from me.

dear God,
thank you for keeping my panties on. Amen.



Ask, and you shall recieve.