" i thought you said they couldnt be together? Remember, the whole alternate dimension world."
"yea, but the wormholes. Its all about the wormholes"
Tuesday, June 30
Sunday, June 28
tissue, please.
today i went to mass and the homily was based on faith. "Faith- works so many wonders", its not about seeing but truly believing.
I feel like no matter how much i write about losing faith, or losing my insanity- no one is really hearing my cry. Im searching for something physical as opposed to something that is intangible. But maybe thats it, i NEED that something that is intangible but WANT something that is tangible. Joyful... this whole NCLEX ordeal is starting to drive me nuts. I say im gonna do this and do that but end up doing something completely different. Ive been reading but not doing questions & thats horrible. its like, im taking the first few steps but then i just stand there EXPECTING for everything else to happen. As if just a prayer and a few questions will keep me from failing. I need to do this on my own. I NEED THAT MOTIVATION.On the other hand, my body and mind are still elsewhere. The past few days have been sort of wretched. Im feeling so lost & crap and so far this journey that im trying to find the goodness is, is leading me in circles and circles. Im trying to find an outlet, trying to see a simple smile on a familiar face, something calming, something that leads to true.
I saw katie, a really good close jcpenney friend, yesterday and that probably was such a great time i had in a while. I mean, i have my good days, but katie and i completely bugged out and were mall rats the whole day from 245-7pm. Afterwards i forced myself to study like 150 pages of Kaplan, but yesterday was a Hairspray day. Was that my outlet? Was that my sign?
I AM SO BLIND.
God,
I guess its leading back to you . Im so confused and lost and scared and i need you to hold my hand. I know i sound like a kid, but i dont know how to convey these feelings that im feeling but im so sad all the time and i feel so depressed and i can't stop crying. Please help me to stop crying. I lay all of it, ALL OF IT, at Your feet. its all i can do, right now . Guide me.
Amen.
Tonight, you arrested my mind.
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me, Belief
Gavin Degraw
[thanks Kenneth for the song]
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me, Belief
Gavin Degraw
[thanks Kenneth for the song]
Monday, June 22
all written in heaven.
i started my first class for the nclex review and its filled with the usually staten island guidos and bimbos however i made 2 new friends to hopefully keep me from wringing one of those people's necks. I have class in about an hour and a half and i really do pray that these classes will teach me alot and prepare me to pass my nclex. i will pass, i will pass, i w i l l p a s s ...
My computer has now a new desk to finally rest itself on. See, the funny thing is, we did have my sister's old computer desk to use, but it didn't fit through the door, so we took apart the door and tried again -__________- no of course not. We took apart the computer table NOT knowing how to assemble it again and then of course we took it apart and then we attempted to put it back again but of course, then went to in shambles- the pegs broke, the screw fell in the many holes in this basement and i probably got over 6023676 splinters from that damn wood. So, we went to kmart and i bought a cheap desk. Putting it together wasnt TOO bad. only problem is, is that one of the screws broke, so my left side it probably a bit faulty so i try not to put anymore necessary pressure on the left side. And then we put the computer on and now it looks legit. Oh yea, the door, i lost two of the screws, so the door has only 4 bolts instead of 6. I am not a handy manny- i think i should watch that show more often though.
i feel like the past likes to come get me whenever things are either going really bad or really good. My past tends to dictate my next step and whether the past is THE PAST, it still has the strongest hold over me. Maybe its one of those things that makes me feel safe to go backwards instead of forwards. Think about it, going backwards just lets me retrace my steps and i know what happens, i know what is at the end of the tunnel-- why should i move forward when ive just been falling flat on my face?
but its life- i HAVE to move forward because if i don't- ill crumble. i need to keep walking straight and not looking back NO MATTER WHAT. but one question- what happens if you're moving forward and something or someone from your past is trying to be part of your present or your future again? is that fate? or a early sign that something really bad is going to happen to you?
lately, i havent been happy. ive been feeling sort of empty and weird. having my days just passing through me again. Ive lost my drive again, so im pushing forward to get it back again. im trying to find my happyness- although i struggle, i enjoy the challenge of finding happyness in my life. It really does open my eyes to what needs to be finished, started, opened and closed.
Today i stumbled on one of my old prayer meeting reflections through an old box of letters that ive kept since junior highschool. summer 2005 (18 years old)--
"All his days sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest- this is also vanity"
i've learned that when i worry, i think of the most horrible and pessimistic things and make myself worry even more. in other cases, i do things and accomplish things everyday- but when im finally and finally through- i still worry that it is not good enough. that maybe i made another mistake. but i forget the one true thing-- ITS ALL WRITTEN IN HEAVEN. what i need to do is to be able to really fully trust God and be able to take chance to leap with God. I just can't just give some to God and expect him to do his will with just a little of my faith- its ALL or NOTHING. He needs 100% not just 57 or 28 but 100%. I need to remember that everything that goes on in my life- is according to plan. God has mapped out what i truly need and not what i THINK i need. Things that make me, he has in store and things that are of this world- are discarded.
The gospel speaks, " you fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? thus will it before all who store up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God". With this saying, once things are prepared and made and finished- we must be able to stop worrying about the aftermath of it. We need to let it go and be able to move on. If we hold onto something so tight- it will never be able to become what its supposed to be. We make things so much more complicated than what it really is. I guess as human, we are never full satisfied- we always want more. But with all our faith, God will fully satisfy us. He'll take what we have prepare dand bring it to its full potential. We shouldnt worry about things in the future to the point where it may take a toll on us- God is always there- he's the reason why everything happens the way they are.
I pray that i get through all of this, with no regrets, no turning back. Lord- grab me.
My computer has now a new desk to finally rest itself on. See, the funny thing is, we did have my sister's old computer desk to use, but it didn't fit through the door, so we took apart the door and tried again -__________- no of course not. We took apart the computer table NOT knowing how to assemble it again and then of course we took it apart and then we attempted to put it back again but of course, then went to in shambles- the pegs broke, the screw fell in the many holes in this basement and i probably got over 6023676 splinters from that damn wood. So, we went to kmart and i bought a cheap desk. Putting it together wasnt TOO bad. only problem is, is that one of the screws broke, so my left side it probably a bit faulty so i try not to put anymore necessary pressure on the left side. And then we put the computer on and now it looks legit. Oh yea, the door, i lost two of the screws, so the door has only 4 bolts instead of 6. I am not a handy manny- i think i should watch that show more often though.
i feel like the past likes to come get me whenever things are either going really bad or really good. My past tends to dictate my next step and whether the past is THE PAST, it still has the strongest hold over me. Maybe its one of those things that makes me feel safe to go backwards instead of forwards. Think about it, going backwards just lets me retrace my steps and i know what happens, i know what is at the end of the tunnel-- why should i move forward when ive just been falling flat on my face?
but its life- i HAVE to move forward because if i don't- ill crumble. i need to keep walking straight and not looking back NO MATTER WHAT. but one question- what happens if you're moving forward and something or someone from your past is trying to be part of your present or your future again? is that fate? or a early sign that something really bad is going to happen to you?
lately, i havent been happy. ive been feeling sort of empty and weird. having my days just passing through me again. Ive lost my drive again, so im pushing forward to get it back again. im trying to find my happyness- although i struggle, i enjoy the challenge of finding happyness in my life. It really does open my eyes to what needs to be finished, started, opened and closed.
Today i stumbled on one of my old prayer meeting reflections through an old box of letters that ive kept since junior highschool. summer 2005 (18 years old)--
"All his days sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest- this is also vanity"
i've learned that when i worry, i think of the most horrible and pessimistic things and make myself worry even more. in other cases, i do things and accomplish things everyday- but when im finally and finally through- i still worry that it is not good enough. that maybe i made another mistake. but i forget the one true thing-- ITS ALL WRITTEN IN HEAVEN. what i need to do is to be able to really fully trust God and be able to take chance to leap with God. I just can't just give some to God and expect him to do his will with just a little of my faith- its ALL or NOTHING. He needs 100% not just 57 or 28 but 100%. I need to remember that everything that goes on in my life- is according to plan. God has mapped out what i truly need and not what i THINK i need. Things that make me, he has in store and things that are of this world- are discarded.
The gospel speaks, " you fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? thus will it before all who store up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God". With this saying, once things are prepared and made and finished- we must be able to stop worrying about the aftermath of it. We need to let it go and be able to move on. If we hold onto something so tight- it will never be able to become what its supposed to be. We make things so much more complicated than what it really is. I guess as human, we are never full satisfied- we always want more. But with all our faith, God will fully satisfy us. He'll take what we have prepare dand bring it to its full potential. We shouldnt worry about things in the future to the point where it may take a toll on us- God is always there- he's the reason why everything happens the way they are.
I pray that i get through all of this, with no regrets, no turning back. Lord- grab me.
Tuesday, June 16
dot to dot.
Sunday, June 14
feel like May
rotation +// 'til it happens to you Corinne Bailey Rae
its time to stop making excuses for this. i try and try, but i feel like im lying to myself constantly to save you, to save this. i just want to feel something, anything. PLEASE. I have faith, i believe and I pray. Abba Father- guide me and give me strength. I will get through this.
"who did you fuck to get in this situation?"
"myself"
-pelham 123
its time to stop making excuses for this. i try and try, but i feel like im lying to myself constantly to save you, to save this. i just want to feel something, anything. PLEASE. I have faith, i believe and I pray. Abba Father- guide me and give me strength. I will get through this.
"who did you fuck to get in this situation?"
"myself"
-pelham 123
Saturday, June 13
Thursday, June 11
with words unspoken
current rotation: Amy Winehouse //+ Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
so we've made it 7 months one week ago. yay. I guess i wanna write
c l o s e [v. klohz; adj., adv. klohs or, for 51, klohz; n. klohz for 59, 60, 63–65, 67, 68, klohs for 61, 62, 66] Show IPA verb, closed, clos⋅ing, adjective, clos⋅er, clos⋅est, adverb, noun: having the parts or elements near to one another: a close formation of battleships. to bring together the parts of; join; unite (often fol. by up): Close up those ranks! The surgeon closed the incision. close ranks, to unite forces, esp. by overlooking petty differences, in order to deal with an adverse or challenging situation; to join together in a show of unity, esp. to the public.
i told Steven that before he leaves for school for us to be close. We had a talk last Friday about being close and about trying to rekindle what we were before, before the fights, disagreements and whatever else. After he left for Florida, i realized that we can't go back to the past. It doesn't dictate the future of our relationship but the past does heavily influence the present. Its just become our nature that we're not that talkative anymore. We ask each other how our days are and we say our love yous and whatnot however, sometimes its just complete silence whether together or on the phone.
I admit it, i wish we did talk more and I know that he verbalized that too. But as the days have gone by, silence between us isn't bad. Ive always come to think that silence was bad, but silence isnt that bad. Maybe we're that couple that may not need words all the time to convey a "good loving" relationship. Maybe the silence is the okay that we're in the clear so stuff huffing and puffing you two and go on your merry way. Silence is comforting when he's around. Maybe its the unspoken language of love or something. A long time ago, a friend said, " i want my lover to be the girl that i can talk to for hours in a room with nothing but a bed and we just lie there for hours talking about everything and anything or lying down, hand in hand, saying nothing at all and yet, feel perfectly close"
I guess, I just get so caught up sometimes that fact that he's leaving again for Buffalo in a few months. It terrifies me. We dont get to see eachother much throughout the week and we're both sorta okay due to circumstances but being months apart and 6-8 hours away is a big more strenuous. I guess i feel that whole, " we're gonna be strangers, and he'll be in his world and i'll be in my world and we'll lose touch with each other". In fact sometimes, I feel we dont see eye with another and hence why it leads me back to the communication thing. But yes, I am completely and utterly afraid of all that will come once he drives back up to school. I think ive been hiding it and pretending that the idea doesnt exist. He may think that i think about it 24/7 but i actually ignore it all the time to prevent myself from crying and feeling sad about it. I actually lie to myself all the time about him leaving so that I can just focus on right now, and what happening in the current.
So rewind back...we may not be able to go in the past and be that couple where we talked and talked while barely we barely ate our expensive meals or ate that disgusting gargonzola salad, but we can start afresh? start again? start anew? just start?
& to be close, last you said " i fail", i'm just telling you, "we're getting there"- you can't expect to be close with just phone calls, but being close is alot deeper and it may not necessarily be the action that is being done to be close, but the motivation behind it to be "close".
So i pray, Jesus- be the one that binds us together and let it be according to Your will. Let Go, and Let You. You're the only one that understands why im going through such great heights for this. Please keep me. In this I pray, Amen.
forever and a day,
aprildawn
i told Steven that before he leaves for school for us to be close. We had a talk last Friday about being close and about trying to rekindle what we were before, before the fights, disagreements and whatever else. After he left for Florida, i realized that we can't go back to the past. It doesn't dictate the future of our relationship but the past does heavily influence the present. Its just become our nature that we're not that talkative anymore. We ask each other how our days are and we say our love yous and whatnot however, sometimes its just complete silence whether together or on the phone.
I guess, I just get so caught up sometimes that fact that he's leaving again for Buffalo in a few months. It terrifies me. We dont get to see eachother much throughout the week and we're both sorta okay due to circumstances but being months apart and 6-8 hours away is a big more strenuous. I guess i feel that whole, " we're gonna be strangers, and he'll be in his world and i'll be in my world and we'll lose touch with each other". In fact sometimes, I feel we dont see eye with another and hence why it leads me back to the communication thing. But yes, I am completely and utterly afraid of all that will come once he drives back up to school. I think ive been hiding it and pretending that the idea doesnt exist. He may think that i think about it 24/7 but i actually ignore it all the time to prevent myself from crying and feeling sad about it. I actually lie to myself all the time about him leaving so that I can just focus on right now, and what happening in the current.
So rewind back...we may not be able to go in the past and be that couple where we talked and talked while barely we barely ate our expensive meals or ate that disgusting gargonzola salad, but we can start afresh? start again? start anew? just start?
& to be close, last you said " i fail", i'm just telling you, "we're getting there"- you can't expect to be close with just phone calls, but being close is alot deeper and it may not necessarily be the action that is being done to be close, but the motivation behind it to be "close".So i pray, Jesus- be the one that binds us together and let it be according to Your will. Let Go, and Let You. You're the only one that understands why im going through such great heights for this. Please keep me. In this I pray, Amen.
forever and a day,
aprildawn
* for those that dont understand, just know that its the faith & hope thats keeping me forward . Someone has to have faith. its my drive.
* and for Steven. I hope you're having fun in Florida. I miss you much and hope you're safe. It may only be 7 months, but we've been through alot plus more. May we have 7 more.. 7 months, 7 years, 7 centures..and so on & so forth. So will you still love me tomorrow?
* and for Steven. I hope you're having fun in Florida. I miss you much and hope you're safe. It may only be 7 months, but we've been through alot plus more. May we have 7 more.. 7 months, 7 years, 7 centures..and so on & so forth. So will you still love me tomorrow?
triple...wwwwhhhhaaattt ? !
Lately, summer days have been a bit slower, a bit quieter and a bit more peaceful. Ive stayed home everyday this past week only going out to study for the NCLEX. Ive been studying for the past four days for the test. I would rather enjoy my last week prior to my review class basking under the sun, but mother nature has plans otherwise.
I had finally confirmed when I am taking the exam. Once I got the "Confirmation Appointment", i literally started hyperventilating and freaking out. THAT DAY. My judgment day. I only told one person because I tell them everything but i'll be keeping it a secret from the rest of the world. I really hope I do pass. The pressure that my family is putting on me, and the pressure i'm putting myself is making me want to strive and work harder to pass this 2 hundred something or hundred something or seventy something question exam the first time. After that, job hunting here I come!
Really, NYC- the legit place for "opportunity" has put the biggest BLOCK on job opportunities for us 2009 graduate nurses. Many of the kids in my class either are going back to Buffalo or just patiently waiting. Im searching all over and I do have a few places, but nothing is determined until I pass my NCLEX. I remember I went to the M15 Floor party at 92nd and 1st ave rooftop and it was alot of fun however, one of the nurses (which I never worked with) along with a couple of the PCAs were talking and I told them about the nursing hiring freeze and she replied, " wow, i guess we're lucky. That must really suck for you. See- i worked on the floor and i stayed on the floor- im so lucky" no shit, you stupid bitch. FML...but breathe april, you'll get a job and then "eat your heart out you middle- aged woman, you !"... JK, but seriously- i'm hopeful.
Another positive that comes out after I take the exam is that i'll be going to San Diego, CA. sweettt! Its a gift from my cousin, Rowie. We havent' seen eachother since I was in highschool. So it'll be really nice to relax since I havent had a vacation since Tampa. Ive been craving to go away with boyfriend, but boyfriend and I are B R O K E. So when I or he start working, hopefully we'll go somewhere nice. But when I go to San Diego i'll be dancing in dance classes. beaching. touristing. whichever amusement park-ing, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, getting brown and dancing. He's a big dancer and iLOVE to dance- so lets get down.
" but i feel the boring parts are the most memorable parts "Up 2009. Steven and I watched Up prior to him leaving for Florida and let me tell you- it was soooo good- like cake batter good. I cried in the beginning. It wasn't even like a simple tear cry, I was pretty much " streaming tears, baby hold me, silence though" cry. It was sad in a particular part. Disney still has its ways to touch people's hearts- young and old. No matter what, everyone should just watch it cos its good.
Ive been kinda lacking something inside. Sounds so emo however, I have. I don't know if i need validation or acceptance or some holiness but i'm lacking something. Last night, i couldnt sleep one bit. I wrote in my journal (hence the negligence of the blogspot) and I tossed and turned all night. Maybe it was the white chocolate mocha I had that might of caused it, which would suck cos im having another one right now and that is equivalent to another sleepless night but maybe i'm just thinking too much. But i feel like a lackee.
So today I went to a bra store to buy new bras and i got measured to make sure my bajungas didnt get bigger. See i can write about it here cos only like 2 people read this, so i'm okay. When the lady was measuring me for my club size she states " hmmm, i can't tell if you're a double D or a TRIPLE D " ...HOLY CRAP?! are you serious?! my boobs are like weapons now -_-. I am not stating if I did fit or did not fit the triple D bra but im telling you now- i'm getting a boob augmentation and i'm gonna be a size A. TRIPLE D ?! are you serious? i'm so glad i havent knocked anyone unconscious...yet.
april D D D awn
I had finally confirmed when I am taking the exam. Once I got the "Confirmation Appointment", i literally started hyperventilating and freaking out. THAT DAY. My judgment day. I only told one person because I tell them everything but i'll be keeping it a secret from the rest of the world. I really hope I do pass. The pressure that my family is putting on me, and the pressure i'm putting myself is making me want to strive and work harder to pass this 2 hundred something or hundred something or seventy something question exam the first time. After that, job hunting here I come!
Really, NYC- the legit place for "opportunity" has put the biggest BLOCK on job opportunities for us 2009 graduate nurses. Many of the kids in my class either are going back to Buffalo or just patiently waiting. Im searching all over and I do have a few places, but nothing is determined until I pass my NCLEX. I remember I went to the M15 Floor party at 92nd and 1st ave rooftop and it was alot of fun however, one of the nurses (which I never worked with) along with a couple of the PCAs were talking and I told them about the nursing hiring freeze and she replied, " wow, i guess we're lucky. That must really suck for you. See- i worked on the floor and i stayed on the floor- im so lucky" no shit, you stupid bitch. FML...but breathe april, you'll get a job and then "eat your heart out you middle- aged woman, you !"... JK, but seriously- i'm hopeful.
Another positive that comes out after I take the exam is that i'll be going to San Diego, CA. sweettt! Its a gift from my cousin, Rowie. We havent' seen eachother since I was in highschool. So it'll be really nice to relax since I havent had a vacation since Tampa. Ive been craving to go away with boyfriend, but boyfriend and I are B R O K E. So when I or he start working, hopefully we'll go somewhere nice. But when I go to San Diego i'll be dancing in dance classes. beaching. touristing. whichever amusement park-ing, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, dancing, dancing, dancing, shopping, getting brown and dancing. He's a big dancer and iLOVE to dance- so lets get down.
" but i feel the boring parts are the most memorable parts "Up 2009. Steven and I watched Up prior to him leaving for Florida and let me tell you- it was soooo good- like cake batter good. I cried in the beginning. It wasn't even like a simple tear cry, I was pretty much " streaming tears, baby hold me, silence though" cry. It was sad in a particular part. Disney still has its ways to touch people's hearts- young and old. No matter what, everyone should just watch it cos its good.
Ive been kinda lacking something inside. Sounds so emo however, I have. I don't know if i need validation or acceptance or some holiness but i'm lacking something. Last night, i couldnt sleep one bit. I wrote in my journal (hence the negligence of the blogspot) and I tossed and turned all night. Maybe it was the white chocolate mocha I had that might of caused it, which would suck cos im having another one right now and that is equivalent to another sleepless night but maybe i'm just thinking too much. But i feel like a lackee.
So today I went to a bra store to buy new bras and i got measured to make sure my bajungas didnt get bigger. See i can write about it here cos only like 2 people read this, so i'm okay. When the lady was measuring me for my club size she states " hmmm, i can't tell if you're a double D or a TRIPLE D " ...HOLY CRAP?! are you serious?! my boobs are like weapons now -_-. I am not stating if I did fit or did not fit the triple D bra but im telling you now- i'm getting a boob augmentation and i'm gonna be a size A. TRIPLE D ?! are you serious? i'm so glad i havent knocked anyone unconscious...yet.
april D D D awn
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