all written in heaven.

i started my first class for the nclex review and its filled with the usually staten island guidos and bimbos however i made 2 new friends to hopefully keep me from wringing one of those people's necks. I have class in about an hour and a half and i really do pray that these classes will teach me alot and prepare me to pass my nclex. i will pass, i will pass, i w i l l p a s s ...

My computer has now a new desk to finally rest itself on. See, the funny thing is, we did have my sister's old computer desk to use, but it didn't fit through the door, so we took apart the door and tried again -__________- no of course not. We took apart the computer table NOT knowing how to assemble it again and then of course we took it apart and then we attempted to put it back again but of course, then went to in shambles- the pegs broke, the screw fell in the many holes in this basement and i probably got over 6023676 splinters from that damn wood. So, we went to kmart and i bought a cheap desk. Putting it together wasnt TOO bad. only problem is, is that one of the screws broke, so my left side it probably a bit faulty so i try not to put anymore necessary pressure on the left side. And then we put the computer on and now it looks legit. Oh yea, the door, i lost two of the screws, so the door has only 4 bolts instead of 6. I am not a handy manny- i think i should watch that show more often though.


i feel like the past likes to come get me whenever things are either going really bad or really good. My past tends to dictate my next step and whether the past is THE PAST, it still has the strongest hold over me. Maybe its one of those things that makes me feel safe to go backwards instead of forwards. Think about it, going backwards just lets me retrace my steps and i know what happens, i know what is at the end of the tunnel-- why should i move forward when ive just been falling flat on my face?
but its life- i HAVE to move forward because if i don't- ill crumble. i need to keep walking straight and not looking back NO MATTER WHAT. but one question- what happens if you're moving forward and something or someone from your past is trying to be part of your present or your future again? is that fate? or a early sign that something really bad is going to happen to you?

lately, i havent been happy. ive been feeling sort of empty and weird. having my days just passing through me again. Ive lost my drive again, so im pushing forward to get it back again. im trying to find my happyness- although i struggle, i enjoy the challenge of finding happyness in my life. It really does open my eyes to what needs to be finished, started, opened and closed.

Today i stumbled on one of my old prayer meeting reflections through an old box of letters that ive kept since junior highschool. summer 2005 (18 years old)--

"All his days sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest- this is also vanity"
i've learned that when i worry, i think of the most horrible and pessimistic things and make myself worry even more. in other cases, i do things and accomplish things everyday- but when im finally and finally through- i still worry that it is not good enough. that maybe i made another mistake. but i forget the one true thing-- ITS ALL WRITTEN IN HEAVEN. what i need to do is to be able to really fully trust God and be able to take chance to leap with God. I just can't just give some to God and expect him to do his will with just a little of my faith- its ALL or NOTHING. He needs 100% not just 57 or 28 but 100%. I need to remember that everything that goes on in my life- is according to plan. God has mapped out what i truly need and not what i THINK i need. Things that make me, he has in store and things that are of this world- are discarded.
The gospel speaks, " you fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? thus will it before all who store up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God". With this saying, once things are prepared and made and finished- we must be able to stop worrying about the aftermath of it. We need to let it go and be able to move on. If we hold onto something so tight- it will never be able to become what its supposed to be. We make things so much more complicated than what it really is. I guess as human, we are never full satisfied- we always want more. But with all our faith, God will fully satisfy us. He'll take what we have prepare dand bring it to its full potential. We shouldnt worry about things in the future to the point where it may take a toll on us- God is always there- he's the reason why everything happens the way they are.





I pray that i get through all of this, with no regrets, no turning back. Lord- grab me.