tissue, please.

today i went to mass and the homily was based on faith. "Faith- works so many wonders", its not about seeing but truly believing.

I feel like no matter how much i write about losing faith, or losing my insanity- no one is really hearing my cry. Im searching for something physical as opposed to something that is intangible. But maybe thats it, i NEED that something that is intangible but WANT something that is tangible. Joyful... this whole NCLEX ordeal is starting to drive me nuts. I say im gonna do this and do that but end up doing something completely different. Ive been reading but not doing questions & thats horrible. its like, im taking the first few steps but then i just stand there EXPECTING for everything else to happen. As if just a prayer and a few questions will keep me from failing. I need to do this on my own. I NEED THAT MOTIVATION.

On the other hand, my body and mind are still elsewhere. The past few days have been sort of wretched. Im feeling so lost & crap and so far this journey that im trying to find the goodness is, is leading me in circles and circles. Im trying to find an outlet, trying to see a simple smile on a familiar face, something calming, something that leads to true.

I saw katie, a really good close jcpenney friend, yesterday and that probably was such a great time i had in a while. I mean, i have my good days, but katie and i completely bugged out and were mall rats the whole day from 245-7pm. Afterwards i forced myself to study like 150 pages of Kaplan, but yesterday was a Hairspray day. Was that my outlet? Was that my sign?

I AM SO BLIND.


God,
I guess its leading back to you . Im so confused and lost and scared and i need you to hold my hand. I know i sound like a kid, but i dont know how to convey these feelings that im feeling but im so sad all the time and i feel so depressed and i can't stop crying. Please help me to stop crying. I lay all of it, ALL OF IT, at Your feet. its all i can do, right now . Guide me.
Amen.

Tonight, you arrested my mind.
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me, Belief
Gavin Degraw
[thanks Kenneth for the song]