swell season

Rotation: Falling Slowly//+ The Swell Season

its been a while since ive wrote something heartfelt. I dont know if what im about to write is heart felt but the is what my heart has been feeling....

summer has consisted of studying and seeing friends here and there. Meeting new ones, losing old ones, and watching all of them grow up. Ill be honest, as much as i hated buffalo and all that it has NOT to offer, it made me grow up so much and ill never forget what it has taught me. One thing though is that it still has not taught me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I remember learning that lesson a long time ago and still never listening to that- i was like an open book and if you got to know me then you got to read in between the lines as well as the lines themselves.

Im a mess right now, as Gary states it. With my father, the test and Steven- i have no room to relax, breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. I will admit here that my dad is still being the selfish and spoiled person that he is, regardless that he is my father. His rants and outbursts hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. I remember running to a friend's car after he threw a drink in my face and pulled my hair. I want to leave. I want to leave. I really want to leave.

Ive been studying. I guess you know what that means however, i cant really let it get me down at all. It happens and besides im not the only one in the world that has. My father thinks that though.

Steven is leaving on thursday. Buffalo here he comes. The past few weeks have been really tough on me especially with us fighting alot. Regardless, he still doesnt learn how to think before he speaks and I have finall mastered the art of running away. Both are vicious cycles. Both are deadly. Both are killing whats left of this relationship. People can get mad at me for making him cry and people can get mad at him for making me cry but its up to our choosing whether what to do. I know buffalo really wont be easy especially with how much hurt is still residing in me, and how he has a tendency to blow things up out of proportion but maybe if we....oh wow, tearing in panera at 1138am.... sigh, ive suffered enough and i need an outlet. an honest outlet... i dont know what i need. But he is leaving and regardless--- i am so tired but.. i want us to work. I sincerely do love him and i want the two years to be peachy keen ( even though they wont)... but everything ive been through.. his face still remains in my head...

i spoke to my friend on the phone yesterday and she spoke to me about her boyfriend and how he has to remind himself constantly because he forgets her face... Im scared now. What if steven forgets me. Ive been going through so much and now its less than a week before he leaves. Please dont forget my face. I know that steven is not the perfect boyfriend.. but i dont need perfection, i just need him.

my heart is sinking. I can do this. Please help me get through this.