neologisms.

I had written the title of this entry a few days ago when i was doing a practice question for the NCLEX. However, it related to more than just another fact that must be stored into my head...

Neologisms: according to NCLEX4000, is the act of making up words or combining words creating new ones. See, i have this weird thing- i have my own secret language. Only some have actually heard it and only a few have deemed to understand it. I sound like a crazy person, after all the word is usually used for a psychiatric patient but, in this case it was something a bit more interesting.

Friday night- another shepherding session with Audrey. We spoke about alot of different stuff at the Pantagis Diner and honestly, i dont remember alot of it except the feeling i had when i'm with my shepherd. I feel ultimately safe. Its a bit new for me, but i feel like God is really is close to me when i'm shepherding and yet, i still feel naked. Maybe thats what it is, im supposed to feel naked- to be naked when coming forth and giving up myself freely and whole-ly to Him. I realized that there was alot more hurt that lingered on in my mind, body, soul and heart than i thought- situations and people that i thought i forgave but maybe n ot have fully healed from.

"God made the world, but satan is running it"... i remember she told me that, and for a split second i doubted but then again- she's alright. SHEESH [ just kidding] but its true. I must be able to unbind myself from the shackles that i created and have myself fit to be with God and God only. See, she spoke about how the shackles that hold us back from being with Jesus is actually shackles that we let ourselves hold onto. So, from that day on, ive been trying to figure out about the whole shackles thing- trying to find the key to unshackle myself, but maybe there isnt a key. Maybe when i created them, i didnt make a safety exit out or a spare. Maybe i " threw away my key"... but i know that there is a way out--- going through it. all of it.

Oh, back to the whole neologisms thing. So yea, i figured out that my secret language that i can speak verbally is mine- and the only one that can understand it is Him. Funny part is, i dont even understand it. Then there's that language between my heart and His heart. The one that beats in the same accordance and knows every corner and ever dent of my beating organ. As blood flows into my heart, He flows.

"Nothing is ever fake when it comes to Him" I sometimes worry that all this that is coming into my head is not of Him and i'm faking it throughout, but Dan Wong (thank God for wrestler BFF) said that its not fake and that to always believe in Him & to never doubt.


This is my prayer-

Heavenly Father,
As i sit here in Panera with the sounds of orders being taken and the clanging of utensils upon plates, i hear nothing but the song in my heart that is currently on rotation. I can only imagine, when all i will do is forever, forever worship you...Its so loud right now but yet the only thing i can hear and feel is this trembling i get when i feel when i am with you. You are the Abba Father and the one who makes my heart beat senselessly. I humbly come before you today to stay with me as i continue on this journey & to guide me to what is of You and only You. Please Lord, tell me what is right and the right, I will follow. I never want to stray from You. I want to be with You, only You. I ask you Lord to close all the doors that is not of You, close all the doors of pain, agony, suffering, doubt, discouragement and anything else that gives off negative vibes and that causes me to not be able to use my eyes to really see You. Close Open the doors that are of You. Open the doors that lead me to the path where you want me on. I trust you, i put all my faith and trust in You. I offer my life and everything that is in it and lay it at the foot of the cross- it is all Yours now. I thank you Lord for taking care of everything. For being by my side and never letting me completely falter. Thank you for guiding me back to the heart of worship- as I walk closer and closer to it, I ask to always stay with you and please dont ever leave my side. I want to be where you are, in your dwelling place forever.

If there is a will, there's a way-- You are MY will, so there is THE way.


Forever & A Day,
Amen.