i dont know where to begin however, i'll start with a prayer to make sure this is all out of love & nothing but love.
Father,
I humbly come before you now, praising your name- loving you unconditionally. I ask you Father, that for the next moments in time that i am able to write all that has been residing inside of me to be released & permanently released. To have endured from it, to have lived from it, and to always be learning from it. I ask you Lord to fill the empty vessels of my entire being and to pour your precious spirit upon me as i walk back to finally speak out what has been going on. I love you so much .
In this I pray, amen.
PRE LSS --
" im not coming back to staten island- im not coming back to BLD or to my parents. I hate this ! i hate you ! You set me up ! You lied ! You promised ! You promised ! Fuck the LSS" . i remember seeing the results and feeling myself fall apart all over again. I walked outside & cursed everything i had worked so hard- not feeling anything but hate & sadness. I wanted to hurt myself. Honestly, one cut wouldnt do enough damage but enough damage to kill everyone else. I remember going back to Steven's apartment. He looked at me & i curled myself to the inner aspects of his arms & i felt like even the strongest man in my life couldnt even help me from slipping away. I asked God to melt me, & i guess he did. days in buffalo by faster & soon enough i was on my way to the airport. But i couldnt keep it together . I cried when leaving the car and felt like going home was my fate but the biggest punishment of my life. But there was one bit of hope that surprised me-- steven came back to the airport . He came back despite his busy schedule & he held me so tight-- that was enough to hold me for the week or the weak.. or a weak [ like me]. he was all i had left. he didnt or probably doesnt know that, he saved me that week. he saved me for life.
" im not coming back to staten island- im not coming back to BLD or to my parents. I hate this ! i hate you ! You set me up ! You lied ! You promised ! You promised ! Fuck the LSS" . i remember seeing the results and feeling myself fall apart all over again. I walked outside & cursed everything i had worked so hard- not feeling anything but hate & sadness. I wanted to hurt myself. Honestly, one cut wouldnt do enough damage but enough damage to kill everyone else. I remember going back to Steven's apartment. He looked at me & i curled myself to the inner aspects of his arms & i felt like even the strongest man in my life couldnt even help me from slipping away. I asked God to melt me, & i guess he did. days in buffalo by faster & soon enough i was on my way to the airport. But i couldnt keep it together . I cried when leaving the car and felt like going home was my fate but the biggest punishment of my life. But there was one bit of hope that surprised me-- steven came back to the airport . He came back despite his busy schedule & he held me so tight-- that was enough to hold me for the week or the weak.. or a weak [ like me]. he was all i had left. he didnt or probably doesnt know that, he saved me that week. he saved me for life.
My cousin Jackie Lou, came from Germany & i was able to take my mind off of it for the few days. my mom stayed distant and my father was clueless. We ended up watching Mary Poppins on broadway & it was beautiful . I enjoyed it so much . Jackie Lou & steven i guess were the spoon full of sugar to make the medicine go down.
I had my heart set on not going to the LSS. afterall, failures dont go to LSS. I went to one more shepherding session & when i stepped into Audrey's car i felt like not only was she was waiting for me, but He was too. I felt unworthy & casted away . But those two were there- strapped in and ready for the ride. i decided to go for the ride too..but this time, no seat belt .
LSS---
refreshed. cleansed. different . confused face . CAR ! lola sheppie . it was a different experience but a very fruitful one. i felt like i was on a ladder and i was trying to find God and i kept kicking & grinding my foot on the floor and then when Audrey said " its okay He's right here" ... i felt it all- i felt his hand grab mine & he got me " we got this". i felt so relieved- so unbelievably different that i just wanted to keep my eyes closed & fall deeper & deeper in his love . The gifts that he has given me were such blessings & the amount of how much brighter the outlook of my life is alot sweeter . I dont know how to describe it but the weekend had geared me up for the next few weeks of my life, or atleast the rest of it .
POST LSS--
trials came as quickly as the Lord took them away. My parents & I were okay .My father finally realized that im not a failure & that im one of those flowers that take a little longer to bloom than others. Im alot nicer to my parents now. I pray that my relationship with my parents stay close. But, friends relationships started to distant & even Steven & I started fighting again. It was anniversary & of course, like the amazing couple we are, we fought hardcore. But it didnt dim my fire that was burning. But i was doing things that were not right, gassing myself that i was still the same me & not letting my new life into play. I was too scared all the time. My cousin Marion from Arizona came to NY for a few days & having her around continuously made me realize how beautiful family is. My sister & my cousin came for a nice lunch & that was beautiful too.
TEACHING & BANQUET
i ended up going to the teaching about prayer & ended up meeting new titos & titas who are one of the sweetest ladies & gentlemens everrr. Danah was there to, so i didnt feel like the youngest at that point but we were taught that prayer is powerful & that there is a better way to be more formatted to pray. The banquet... sigh, i didnt want to go . I was too scared that I wouldnt know anyone or that no one would talk to me . I ended up having a good time & meeting new people & reflaming old friendships. stepping outside the box?
trials came as quickly as the Lord took them away. My parents & I were okay .My father finally realized that im not a failure & that im one of those flowers that take a little longer to bloom than others. Im alot nicer to my parents now. I pray that my relationship with my parents stay close. But, friends relationships started to distant & even Steven & I started fighting again. It was anniversary & of course, like the amazing couple we are, we fought hardcore. But it didnt dim my fire that was burning. But i was doing things that were not right, gassing myself that i was still the same me & not letting my new life into play. I was too scared all the time. My cousin Marion from Arizona came to NY for a few days & having her around continuously made me realize how beautiful family is. My sister & my cousin came for a nice lunch & that was beautiful too.
TEACHING & BANQUET
i ended up going to the teaching about prayer & ended up meeting new titos & titas who are one of the sweetest ladies & gentlemens everrr. Danah was there to, so i didnt feel like the youngest at that point but we were taught that prayer is powerful & that there is a better way to be more formatted to pray. The banquet... sigh, i didnt want to go . I was too scared that I wouldnt know anyone or that no one would talk to me . I ended up having a good time & meeting new people & reflaming old friendships. stepping outside the box?
SANDRA PERKINS---
"do you believe in Jesus? God loves you ! you will make it !" it was an operator that worked for the loan services in ny state. I had asked some questions about the loan i took out for college & wound up speaking about faith & ms. sandra perkins assured me with all her heart that i will make it through . weird, but sweet .
"do you believe in Jesus? God loves you ! you will make it !" it was an operator that worked for the loan services in ny state. I had asked some questions about the loan i took out for college & wound up speaking about faith & ms. sandra perkins assured me with all her heart that i will make it through . weird, but sweet .
JEDI mind tricks--
i ended up going to Adoration to pray. Its a chapel in NJ last week prior to my trip to Buffalo. I went with a long time friend. " You were open- so open a long time ago, and when prior to LSS you were so closed-- now youre a " knock before entering" kind of girl" We ended up talking about the last 5 years of our lives & i finally grew the balls to tell him what exactly made me change during college. Tearing in a fast food restaurant is not kosher with me, BTW. but we started talking & it felt good to have a friend- a new old friend. a new old friend that can relate too. its a blessing . " details in the fabric is the most emo sounding non- emo song"
i ended up going to Adoration to pray. Its a chapel in NJ last week prior to my trip to Buffalo. I went with a long time friend. " You were open- so open a long time ago, and when prior to LSS you were so closed-- now youre a " knock before entering" kind of girl" We ended up talking about the last 5 years of our lives & i finally grew the balls to tell him what exactly made me change during college. Tearing in a fast food restaurant is not kosher with me, BTW. but we started talking & it felt good to have a friend- a new old friend. a new old friend that can relate too. its a blessing . " details in the fabric is the most emo sounding non- emo song"
BUFFALO--
from not sleeping for 24hrs to screaming, crying, smiling, eating too many wings, to being too tired, to getting punched in the face for touching my panties, to lying to my parents, to eating gin gins, for arirang, for second chances, for kisses, new friends, old friends, not being scared, for being left alone, for never leaving him, for taking a chance, for hoping, for lockport caves, for being too ghetto, for eating $3.75 pizza, for falling into a bush, for henry & seth making videos where they can fit into a pair of pants, for hugs & hugs, for bad breath, snoring boyfriends, allergy to cats, for the police, for the decking of the security in the back of the neck, for the swarvoski zipper pull, the post secret book, for the sweet moments, dunnys,for the mean moments, for the hand holding, for the demons we met in the cave, for the unsanitary diarrhea boat ride in the cave, for the solo & the duet of mariah carey and boyz II men in the sentra that smelled like farts, from the 10 friends that came up 8 hours to visit their one friend, for the endless amount of cigarettes, for the flu, the coughing, the vix, the benadryl, allergy /cold medicine, for the boyfriend who doesnt get a clue half the time but still fights with love & pride, to the 30 dollars of gas, and the promise to never leave, to bruised pinky right finger, to wearing scandalous dresses, to coughing blood, to the poconos, casinos, & shopping areas, from me to you- to love to love to love... my heart is still yours. happy one year meeting to the man who drives me crazy and crazy in love.
from not sleeping for 24hrs to screaming, crying, smiling, eating too many wings, to being too tired, to getting punched in the face for touching my panties, to lying to my parents, to eating gin gins, for arirang, for second chances, for kisses, new friends, old friends, not being scared, for being left alone, for never leaving him, for taking a chance, for hoping, for lockport caves, for being too ghetto, for eating $3.75 pizza, for falling into a bush, for henry & seth making videos where they can fit into a pair of pants, for hugs & hugs, for bad breath, snoring boyfriends, allergy to cats, for the police, for the decking of the security in the back of the neck, for the swarvoski zipper pull, the post secret book, for the sweet moments, dunnys,for the mean moments, for the hand holding, for the demons we met in the cave, for the unsanitary diarrhea boat ride in the cave, for the solo & the duet of mariah carey and boyz II men in the sentra that smelled like farts, from the 10 friends that came up 8 hours to visit their one friend, for the endless amount of cigarettes, for the flu, the coughing, the vix, the benadryl, allergy /cold medicine, for the boyfriend who doesnt get a clue half the time but still fights with love & pride, to the 30 dollars of gas, and the promise to never leave, to bruised pinky right finger, to wearing scandalous dresses, to coughing blood, to the poconos, casinos, & shopping areas, from me to you- to love to love to love... my heart is still yours. happy one year meeting to the man who drives me crazy and crazy in love.
My heart still feels on fire but not as large as it used to be . Its a bit different now. Things are different. I can't really figure out what to write but i hope that this fills the gap for now. I rather someone knock than just blurt it out . I have so many questions & so many thoughts but too many to blurt . I need a cup of tea & a baguette or another trip to adoration . my heart feels alright but i just want a hug & something to lean on . something to really hold on to.
deep breath out
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